30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Right this will be day one for me!

I can't go no contact, but I'm going only minimal for the child contact.

He's adamant that we need to talk at length about future arrangements about seeing the children, so I said only with a counsellor.

He's managed to hold me in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together again for too long. Need to be strong! I've asked him to move out too but his name is on the mortgage. Hoping even temporarily this might work.

Hi everyone, I'm joining you for a resolute minimum 30 days of NOT checking up on, responding to, or seeing the narcissistic psycho formerly in my life. The no contact will in fact be permanent, as he is an abusive sociopath, but setting it at 30 days feels psychologically more manageable right now.

I'm on day 6. Have blocked his number so that he can't call, but any texts go into a spam folder (Android) and I'm finding it hard to resist checking that, but so far I haven't since sending him the you're dumped text. Not checking the spam inbox is fucking tough! Getting a bit easier as the days go by though.

Let's get through this and come out even stronger on the other side!

I'm finding the following page of no contact affirmations extremely helpful :

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/05/30-kickass-affirmations-for-going-no-contact-with-an-abusive-narcissist/

Good luck dream

My newly ex DP isn't horrible, but he will pull me back if I'm not resolute. Especially as we have many childcare issues. But that doesn't mean I cannot go very minimal. At least 30 days! But realistically love to do more.

Today, even though I've said let's do alternate weekends with the kids, he's texted to ask if 'I need a couple of hours off'. I said Thanks but no.

talked yes. To keeping busy!
I'm going to do a lot of work and also plan a weekend away around week 3, which may be the hardest. By myself far away.

Thanks Autumn, you too. Sounds like your ex is determined to get you back into his clutches. I totally understand how low contact is the only way if you have kids with someone; I don't have to worry about that with mine, thank God. Well done on resisting his manipulative 'kind' offer to help with childcare today.

I love your idea of a weekend away, gives you something positive to focus on and a great opportunity for healing, reconnecting with yourself and figuring out your next steps.

Well done everyone staying strong

I bumped into him today (day 21) at a film screening. I said 'hello' then 'take care' and kept moving. I didn't feel much, just a little awkward. He had been my (uncommitted) lover for six years. All this talk of being tossed breadcrumbs strongly resonates.

He was talking to a woman at the bar, he's talkative that way. I was with my 11 year old DS - as an LP I rarely get to mingle and meet new people so that's made me a little jealous. I do hope I eventually get to meet someone decent, caring and committed.

Thanks dream yes he is very... kind! He's 'conflicted' a lot and I've got to get myself distanced from that nonsense. He's quite manipulative really.

talk charming men are the worst! They are constantly reminding us of how fantastic that time with them was, when they will not be constant so it's always an elusive promise.

its bit awkward bumping into him! Breadcrumbs I can so strongly identify with. You stay strong! I also have kids. It limits us no question. So he was talking to someone who he hardly knows, but can't make up his mind about you, what a fool, life doesn't give us many people who really know us, long term connections. If we are not appreciated someone will.

How are people today?
NC today. Feels very quiet and lonely. Spent all day with the child and getting shopping. Not exactly the new me!

Back to day 1 😒 Crying already! Ffs when will this end. Sick of popping pills from the gp for my anxiety. I wish I'd never met him! X

Sorry needs... keep motivated you can do it. I wonder if there's anything that you can do differently now to before, to make it easier?

I'm finding it hard. He's living here so it's quite hard not to come across as ignoring. But I kind of have to. We are in separate bedrooms, yesterday he came in with a chocolate bar as he'd kept away all weekend. But it was while I was in bed and it felt like a real intrusion, I really didn't want him to 'pop' in so was just very short with him 'OK, no'.

Determined to keep away. I've agreed to talk about anything like arrangements with kids with a counsellor so there's no need for any but the most minimal communication.

Shall we start another thread as this one is quite old and full now?

I am wandering over here to join everyone. Songbird kindly supported me on my original (now deleted) thread (which I have just added an update for elsewhere).

Today was the day I deleted his contact details from my phone. All old text threads and phone logs have also been removed, so I genuinely have no means of contacting him by phone. Sadly, the works email remains - but since we will work together, bugger all I can do with that

So, despite a break-up some weeks ago now, today is the first 'I've had enough' day.

I feel both brave and heart-broken at the same time. Bollocks to this - I want to feel like a grown-up, not a teenager!

Science be proud of yourself! That's quite an achievement. It's horrible breaking up. Of course you feel heart broken - this is a good sign - it means that you have not turned cold and can love with passion again. That is grown up. I hope I'm able to stay the course.

Over the last week or so, I've been telling myself that 'i'll go no contact' - but of course, responded to him as soon as he contacted me. His number remained in my phone and his photo would randomly appear as my phone flicked through contacts (crap-windows phone screen saver thing). Constant reminders.

Today something seemed to change. I can't keep on existing in this limbo. There is too much other emotional-crap to deal with in my life at the moment, I simply can no longer afford to give him such a large amount of head space.

(of course, since I am posting about him here, I am giving him head space - but this feels different somehow.).

Someone pick me up tomorrow, when I go through the regretful phase.....

Maybe plan something tomorrow to keep you busy. Even a reminder! Must do that myself...

Thanks Autumn. Yes, I'm planning on going to the gym/for a run post school run tomorrow morning. Then ploughing on with work (from home, which can be a bit isolating, and hence a dangerous time for over-reflection and moments of weakness). I have a very wonderful friend/colleague whom I am incredibly grateful to, for the support they've given me - random texts and calls at weak points - but I really don't want to over-burden them anymore. And I have to focus on work!

I tried reminders in my phone - i just ignored them! Instead, I'm now trying to picture where/who I want to be. I don't want to be that wimpy needy woman. I don't think that is the real me. At least, I hope that's not the real me!

My husband used to say I was a strong person - and when I look back at what I've been through, I think I was. I just seem to have become a little over-whelmed and have lost that person. Now I need to get there again.

Small steps. I made the decision today. That's enough to deal with today.

Science you seem to be the same as me. I used to be strong yet somehow have lost myself along the way.

Again, I don't want to be that "needy" woman!

Basically he can shove his breadcrumbs up his a@@e.

Good luck xx

Needs, you made me giggle. Exactly, take those bloody breadcrumbs and shove them.

I know our circumstances here are so varied - but it is good to know that others here knows what I mean.

I'll check in again tomorrow, as I know I'm going to try to wimp out at some point!

I've put a picture of myself when I was more confident in the shelf. It helps as I look at it and I was pre DP but much happier!

Lol science

I actually think I've gone insane. We wasn't together that long!

How long were you together?

Good idea Autumn.

I will give that a go x

Oh shit. Might need to join thread again. Will update later but needed to mark my place again :-(

I feel sad again today. It's bizarre I literally don't even want him, if he contacted me the only reason I would be happy is that I could rip him a new one. Why the fuck do I feel sadness and longing?