30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

happytobe free: It's a process, if you feel you still have things to say then maybe you should allow yourself that. Eventually you will know that there is nothing more to be said. I guess I allowed myself to 'fall' quite a few times before i knew I was ready for no contact. 20 yrs is such a long time. It can't be ended just like that.

I feel so angry for everyone here. If any man had any decency they would say why they didn't want to be with us and let us go.
The overwhelming feeling I get is they don't want to let us go. But don't want to be with us either
That really makes me angry, the fucking endless limbo

ginlovinglady: You are so right. My partner would do anything to continue the aspects of our relationship he wants to hang onto and to jettison the bits he doesn't. He has deliberately been vague about what any future 'relationship' would mean and finally admitted that it would "most probably" be only a friendship. I think he wants brownie points now for finally being honest. I think women do this to guys too - we just don't hear it so much. However, you know it can be very hard for anyone to leave a long relationship - even if you are the person instigating the break. it's no wonder it gets messy. However at some point you have to do what is right for yourself, even if you have to be the bigger person and take responsibility for the NC.

I just listened to something that discussed women actively 'choosing instead of waiting chosen' and I think this may resonate with anyone who was not in a committed relationship with their ex. Females are socialised to wait for a man to 'ask them out', commit to/progress the relationship, propose. And sometimes we slip into a relationship just because that particular person showed interest. I knew my ex wasn't right for me in so many ways but didn't believe I would meet someone more suited to me.

Oh mine gave me a reason.

He couldn't hack the loneliness after we parted, and he was "worried about the future".

It's a pity he couldn't have raised these concerns in a normal way, instead of savagely blindsiding me though.

I'm not really over the shock element yet, not to mind the rest of it.
Ah fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Karmanomore: You are absolutely right. I think I did that for 20 years! 2 pieces of advice for everyone.

1/ If he shows you who he is - believe him.
2/ Judge a person by what they do, not what they say
(that way madness lies - believe meI know).

"Believe me I know" don't know who the hell mel is.

Rosa and Karma these are wise words. In my case too, there were significant issues present from the get-go.

The whole thing just got out of hand really, and we fell for each other.
What we should have done is shagged for a few months, and walked away, no real harm done. I fell into the trap of thinking "maybe maybe", because I liked him so much. The height of madness really and I should have known better.

It was lovely to be with somebody like him though, after a long and fairly unhappy marriage. I buried my head in the sand.
Mea cupla.

It's so true
Judge someone by their actions not their words
But blimey it's hard to put into practice

Ginlovinglady: It is and yet - it isn't. It's a dead simple rule and when applied - clarifies. A more personable bloke than my ex-partner you could not meet. But after 20 years I have nothing - no commitment (really), no house, 4 years of lies during his affair. Endless half truths and manipulations. An endless list of half finished jobs about the rented house. A bleak future at 56. But he's awfully sorry and regretful and endless reasons and explanations that change with the wind. However the facts remain.

Day 11. I think its getting easier.......in a way.

Gin The friendship thing is hard, isn't it? This man was my best friend for the best part of 20 years before any of this happened. He's been there through countless break ups and make ups and heartbreaks in the past. The thing is, you get used to relationships ending.....its a fact of life. Friendships dont tend to end so dramatically, do they? I feel almost bereaved. He was the one person that was never going to hurt me. He's the one I most want to talk to now but I obviously can't. And I know we're never going to get that back. Ever. Friends don't treat friends like that.

rosa If he shows you who he is - believe him. I actually love that. Wish I'd believed it earlier.

Stay strong, beautiful people. x

Gin our situations sound similar- best friend, workmate. It's so hard. I need to decide how best to react when I inevitably bump into him. What's best - cold or friendly?

pltry what you say resonates with me too. It's hard with friendships being lost because the person who used to make you feel better about yourself- my main cheerleader- is now the problem and it is so hard. I am angry with him too - for not replying to my email setting out my feelings, then telling me he was too busy watching YouTube videos to reply and then putting the responsibility for my feelings on me.

But then I realise he wasn't a friend to me anyway which makes me feel better and worse all at once.

Sorry so glum. Day 3 here and finding it hard

Had no contact since last Tuesday so almost a week. Apparently I hear he's been dumping his kids off and whoring himself around far and wide with whoever will give him houseroom.

What's making me feel better.... someone totally out out the blue and unexpected who was never on my radar has asked me out for a drink this Friday...

Yay x

Rejected that's great news!

Day three and we bumped into each other in the work elevator. Sigh. It was bound to happen at some point. It was pretty awkward to say the least (BTW am in a different timezone if my timings make no sense!)

But as it happened I had broken my rule not an hour earlier and messaged him because I found something out that I thought he really did need to know about, something that would affect him. The wait for a response was torture but when it came it was nice and even contained two 'thank you's which was unusual for him - much nicer than before. I left it at that feeling good that he hasn't re-written the narrative in a way that has made him angry with me. I think if that message hadn't happened the lift incident would have been downright awful. As these things will happen I will need to maintain a low level of engagement, which is hard.

I did feel better for most of the day though - not so angry with him anymore. The main reason is I genuinely think he's had more to lose than I have here - I was one of a smaller number of confidants for him, and as the greater feelings were on my side he benefited from things more in terms of getting the support without the angst I suffered.

Onwards and upwards ...

Hi Yellow. Were you in love with your friend?

I think I may have been. We were close, spoke most days etc about everything, and had been like that for quite a while. I guess I'll never know though whether he liked me too but just not enough to go there in the end, or if he was using me for the emotional support I gave him. A mutual friend who saw us interacting often thinks it was the former, but I have no idea. He did react badly to me saying I didn't want to see him anymore although accepted it in the end.

His pullback though did coincide with him meeting someone else, and I suspect I was his Plan B, but who knows.

Hi Yellow - reading between the lines on the little I see here - it sounds a bit fraught for friendship. Speaking from experience I would say beware of falling into the confident trap with a man you might like. It's easy to do especially if you are like me and like talking about people/emotional stuff and problem solving. In the end you do become a crutch and one that is often not as valued as you might think. Been there, done that! I have taught myself to change the temperature if I feel I'm falling into that (with female friends as well). A bit like the old truism that women often only view the nice man as a friend - the female confident ends up being just that. I'm not sure why you 'ended' it - sounds a bit unnecessary if he was a friend? - especially as you work in the same building. Did you not think it would be making life difficult for yourself? Another option might be to invite him out for coffee and apologise for being a little intense - keep the chat light and keep all your encounters on that level from now on. Hope I'm not being too forthright or got the wrong end of the stick.

All good advice Rosa - you are right about the confidante trap. I need to get out of this. It just leaves me feeling used to help other people with their problems and this was an extreme case.

I hadn't detailed here but we moved from normal friend stuff and had started to go on what felt like dates, the most date-like of which were initiated by him, and then he pulled back at a time that coincided with him meeting someone else. It was a strange intense friendship too - it wasn't normal, not with how often we interacted and how we interacted. He took a forensic interest in my life that was quite overwhelming at times, and we thought in a very similar way.

I 'ended' it after unsuccessfully trying to pull back a number of times over about a month and failing as he was contacting me when I failed to contact him. I told him how I feel and said that I need space to process that. I suppose it was cleaner that way for me. I need to be NC to reset from the constant contact and to protect myself mostly. It was really bad for my mental health.

It'll be OK - it's hard now but imagine we'll drift back into touch eventually. I'm fine with that, but just need it to be different and more defined next time around.

Day 21 dull horrible ache
Better than before

I miss him. I miss him so much.

He was my everything.

I'm on day 25 I think when I'll be at 30 I'll be completely free. It doesn't hurt anyone and I didn't loose my dignity . I'm also aware that I feel attracted to very wrong kind of people and filter it in the future . Everyone on here keep going