30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Day 20 for me still feel a pinch when see the company logo but hey life goes on . I still think impround of myself I finished it even though should have done it months before . The pain is gone . I'm thinking whether I'll ever forget his address I hope I will .

Can I join you ladies? This is an awesome thread and think it might help me.

I am at the very beginning, day 1. I posted earlier about blocking a man with whom I've been in a 6-year on/off 'FWB' relationship with. The most NC I've done is around 3 months. I'm determined this time.

My DS is about to begin secondary, I'm working hard on a PhD, am beginning a teaching course this year and a trainee teaching post at my uni. I don't have time for this shit. As a pp mentioned it's about self preservation.

Welcome Its you are so much better than this crap keep going ❤️

Having a bit of a bad day today and thinking the 'what ifs' and 'was it all my fault?' Had a sneaky look on whatsapp too for the first time in ages even though I have him blocked... still wonder if he'll ever get in touch. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I'm joining too. I'm on day 28 And feel really good about myself. We have been playing this relationship for 13 years. I'm now sure I have been co dependent on a man who is emotionally unavailable. I blocked him on 23 July and I've not seen him since 13 July. I said in a text that I didn't want to see him or speak to him and that were done. So he's obviously taken that on board and walked away.

Hi there can I please join? I am day one nc from a man who was a very close friend although it was a very confusing emotionally intimate friendship. After him really pulling back and using me as an emotional airbag I finally cut contact after it all made me very unhappy- although the conversation was awful and left me feeling rotten (in particular due to him telling me all about a new girl he is dating that he'd not mentioned before, and him implying it was my fault for getting over invested and various other things.

I've said I won't be in touch until I've sorted my feelings and he emphasised he'd still like to be friends when I'm ready. But that's the future and i need to get through this first. It's really hard and the next while will be tough as our work overlaps and I am likely to run into him.

Does anyone have any advice?

That sounds tough yellow, that you'll have to see him and knowing he wants to be friends. I have no advice as I'm pretty crap at this myself  just avoid all contact, and don't feel pressured to talk to him until you really are ready.

I've just had an angry text this morning saying he's 'fully done' and is blocking my number. Why do I feel so shit? I know it can't work. 

Yellow this guy is arsehole as he implies it your fault , friends don't do it to each other . Friends don't lead you on or allow you to get involved and keep you to feel flattered. No contact at all

Urgh, I need talking down. He's basically sent me a message saying his reason for blocking me is that 'hes tried' and I clearly don't care.

I'm composing a frigging email. I'm nuts aren't I?! I feel like I can't let him have the last word that I don't care when I'm literally feeling so devastated. I want to let him know how bloody hurt I am because of him and that is why I'm ignoring him and why I dont want to be 'friends' or 'on good terms'. But that's nuts isn't it I haven't sent it yet but I'm saving it!! I feel like it would give me closure but then know deep down that he won't REALLY care that he's hurt me and it won't have the desired effect, meaning it's probably pointless. He was very controlling and I'm sure blocking me and letting me know he's doing so is all part of that, and by emailing I'd be playing right into his hands wouldn't i? Guh

Songbird, well done you! It's so hard, I know. Keep going, you'll get to the other side eventually.

Flip I need the last word too and have also composed an email but one thing I've thought of to make myself feel better is what are all the possible and likely responses and will they even help? The answer is no. Plus it's not worth that awful headspace you go into while waiting for a response

Thanks Ojojo you're right and what you say helps. You're right. He wasn't a good friend to me. I also suspect he knows this too hence being so defensive

No contact was the hardest thing for me to do! In fact it was a friend who told me about a site I should check out that helped her escape her ex.! I didn't know I was dealing with a narcissist! Didn't even know what one was!? So glad I found that site been working on myself for two years now! This guy is spot on with everything. Check it out if you have time. narcsite.com\ good luck!

Day 6. Nearly a whole week.

I can feel him calling me, willing me to love him again, to not let the connection die. It feels so strong and real that I have to keep telling myself it's just in my head. If he really wanted to be with me, he'd move heaven and earth to put things right.

Instead he's probably out there shagging someone else already.

Day 3 today. Only significant because last night DS was with my mum and I didn't go visiting him, something I would normally do. Later week DS sets off on a 7 night trip with scouts, that'll be the real test.

Happy your post resonated with me - it's like I still feel warm about him and then remember something painful from the last two weeks after it turned and it all hits me again.

Day two done for me now. I felt so many things - elation at being free, relief at not waiting for messages, really sad, really humiliated, a bit lots and really really angry.

How can you work through that anger when not being able to talk to them? I have composed an email I'll never send but that's not enough.

Maybe we can all think of something we've done that we are proud of to maintain NC? Mine is my final message - I said "I am now signing off and will not be in touch again. Goodbye." I then resisted the urge to reply again after he responded to that.

Whenever I think of contacting him I think: I can't beat that for the perfect closure messages, and cannot risk a nil response as that would do my head in.

What are yours?

I wish I had some good ones
He gets in touch
I end up responding then it spirals
Just feeling very sad today about it all. Mainly that I've lost my best friend

Hi Aardvark, I totally know what you mean about the relief of not waiting for a message etc.

His last text was in reply to one I sent him along the same lines as yours, ie I'm done with this relationship, there is no trust or respect left. His response to that was: You don't deserve respect.

He made it so much easier for me never to respond again. For that I thank him.

God I wish mine would be like that. Just endless messages about missing me
Funnily enough, not enough to sort this mess out

Gin, yep mine started off that way. "I'm gutted this is over, I care deeply for you blah blah ".

Then when I stood firm came the angry messages.

But I do sympathise that it's doubly hard when you've been close, when he was your best friend as well as lover.

I'm still NC - almost 3 weeks now.
I've also stopped looking at his social media. So that's positive.

That absolute gut-wrench of waking up and remembering has diminished.
I had a dreadful night last night. You know when you're just between sleep and awake. I kept having this almost waking dream where he'd come back and everything was great again, and he was taking me away to go to a place we'd loved.
Omg it was torturous and it happened a few times...
I struggle with sleep at the best of times so this was horrible.

Less of that please, brain...

The brain is a cruel thing sometimes!
If only we could switch it off
I wish we hadn't been friends, that's actually harder lose than anything else

Same, GinLady. Well, we became friends. And very close ones.

My one and only consolation is that I'm pretty sure he's feeling it too. We were very close.

God it's all so SHIT.

Only 17 days no contact, previous longest NC was for 21. We split 8 months ago after 20 years. I kept going back and forth - he has made it very clear he wants to hear from me, still see me, loves me, but does not a relationship with me anymore. All our contact went the same way. Started off bitter sweet, talking, then I'd get angry and it would all spiral into despair. Got myself a decent therapist. I dread the inevitable text asking me about finances for our daughter or anything practical. I find deleting the texts immediately helps. Good to be part of a support thread.

Shit. I very nearly messaged him but managed to stop myself.

I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to say sorry it ended this way. And that I take my share of responsibility for it turning ugly.

Once upon a time we were close friends. We were friends for nearly 20 years. But now we are nothing.

It hurts so much. I just wish he loved me like he used to. I feel like it's my fault things went bad. If only I'd done this, if only I'd not done that.

It's really over isn't it. He's never coming back.