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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really like him, but not sure what to make of him. Hardwork?!

164 replies

Givemewine00 · 13/07/2017 13:41

Don't want to drip feed but will try to make as short as possible.

Separated with DH around 5 months ago and recently started divorce proceedings. We still live in the same house at the moment as we have DC.

About 4 months ago, I met someone on a dating site, only joined really to see what was out there. We got on really well and met a few times. Two months ago, we had sex at mine, which obviously I share with STBXH, whilst STBXH was away. Probably not the nicest thing to do, but then I'm free to see whom I choose.

However since then OM has been blowing hot and cold on me, saying it didn't feel right, so I ended it. He came back after a week telling me who much he likes me and I do like him.

But here is the strange bit that I just can't get my head around and maybe a man will comment and give me a male prospective on this?

I'm not allowed to go to his place, says it's because he has to really trust me first??

We have arranged to meet several times and he has let me down.

He doesn't seem interested in coming to mine for sex when STBXH is away. Yet we're always sexting and he says how much he wants me.

He says when I'm finally in my own place he'll be round all the time??

I like him too much to walk away. I have accused him of being a player and he assures me he's not a player and I am the only one?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 14/07/2017 17:18

OP, you have five pages now all saying the same, what do you not get?

Howlongtilldinner · 14/07/2017 17:20

Whether he's a player, a twat or Prince Charming, fact is you are VERY vulnerable due to your very recent separation. Give men a wide berth OP, it'll be a rebound relationship otherwise.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 17:21

He is a game player

You are simply sport to him. Setting up a new FB account to contact doesn't prove he likes you, all it proves is that he is manipulative and likes to be in control

EnglandKeepMyBones · 14/07/2017 17:23

His excuse is a pile of shit. He is either married (or in another serious relationship), it is only continuing with you because he likes the attention and isn't really interested.

MaMisled · 14/07/2017 17:29

Could he just actually have had some bad past expriences and be undecided about wether he wants to have a relationship right now?

My very single brother doesn't like to invite women back to his house because he has OCD. This is also the reason he sometimes blows hot and cold when meeting a new woman as he has to weigh up if he can cope with a relationship.

Things aren't always as they seem.

ravenmum · 14/07/2017 17:58

what if that is the real reason?
Then it is his bad luck as he will never get himself a girlfriend without sorting his shit out.

I'm one of the only ones on this thread that has expressed any understanding of why you're at all tempted, and even I'm saying this is no more than a fantasy! Anyfucker told me I was being a mug too, and she was right Grin

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 18:09

Sorry about that, raven Sad

SparklyMagpie · 14/07/2017 18:25

You might aswell go and get mug tattooed on your head and send him a picture OP

Original poster
Givemewine00 · 14/07/2017 18:32

Ok, we will see.

Thanks for all the advice anyway.

OP posts:
EarlGreyT · 14/07/2017 18:32

I'm being really stupid arnt I?

Yes you are

But then what if that is the real reason?
It doesn't matter what the real reason is. The fact that he's treating you like shit is reason enough to cut him off and run. You're firstly unlikely to get a real reason from him as he's not going to tell you straight that he's essentially using you and secondly even if you could get the real reason from him why would you waste your time trying to do this. All you need to know is that he's treating you like crap so that should be enough to never have anything to do with him again.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 18:54

You haven't listened to a word

Original poster
Givemewine00 · 14/07/2017 19:04

AnyFucker, I have. I will be keeping him at arms length even more now.

And tbh, I do enjoy the sexting as it gives me a confidence boost and puts a smile on this middle aged face.

Like I've said, it's not a relationship just casual sex, but without the sex 🙄

OP posts:
LanaDReye · 14/07/2017 19:12

I dated 7 months after LTR split and even then it was more about escapism than anything real. If you recognise that he is messing you about and lying, then even on an escapism perspective this is pretty poor.

PoorYorick · 14/07/2017 19:15

Oh good God. You said yourself this isn't a relationship as such, more a casual sex arrangement, and yet he never arranges sex with you (and there's something very wrong about a man who says he wants sex with you and does nothing to make it happen).

If it's just casual sex, then the only thing you should be worried about is getting good sex and companionship with it. The whole point of those relationships is that they're not complicated. If you are stalking him at his house, strategically trying to find out who he lives with, paying £15 to do online sleuthing, blocking him on social media, starting MN threads about him and NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, you're doing it wrong.

Don't pay any attention to him creating a new Facebook account to get around your block. That doesn't mean he's pursuing you like a knight, it means he's got no respect for your boundaries (and plenty for his own) and just wants you on a string. If he wanted you in bed he'd be taking action - real action - to make it happen. Men do not pussyfoot and dilly dally like this around women they want to sleep with.

Move on.

Angelf1sh · 14/07/2017 19:15

Honestly OP you've already said you want it to be a relationship so it's not just casual (sexless) sex is it? It's a guy who is basically shit at ghosting you. You need to understand that this is going nowhere. If he wanted you, he'd be with you. That's it really.

BitchQueen90 · 14/07/2017 19:25

OP the problem is you say you are hoping it will become a relationship. You cannot have casual sex with someone if you want it to be a relationship. You WILL end up hurt.

I have a FWB. It's exactly that, a FWB. I don't want a relationship with him. I couldn't care less what he's up to when he's not with me.

If it was just a casual thing you wouldn't be worrying so much about it. There's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun but you are obviously emotionally invested in this.

TheLegendOfBeans · 14/07/2017 19:35

Holy Jesus, this thread is still running?!

Willow2017 · 14/07/2017 19:41

You are deluding yourself.

It's not just a casual sex arrangement you have only done it once! He has basically ignored you since.

No man who actually wants to spend time with a woman is going to keep making arrangements and not turning up then stop making arrangements altogether. He is using you as a stand by if nothing better comes along and sexting you to keep your attention.

For goodness sake is that all you are worth? Better to spend time alone than be someones 'if no one else is available shag'

Onedaysoooon · 14/07/2017 19:56

I don't get your perspective on this. If you had started a thread saying, I had sex with this guy once and I haven't seen him since I would understand but you have presented it as if you think he might have genuine feelings for you.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 20:02

You had a one night stand, love

That's it really

Ragwort · 14/07/2017 20:21

I'm inclined to believe this is a troll - surely no one is this stupid ? Hmm

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 20:29

Some women are this stuid where men are concerned

SparklyMagpie · 14/07/2017 20:33

Jesus you have only had sex once Confused

You really need to step away from this OP

You call it a casual sexual relationship but how is it when you've had sex once and he doesn't get intouch AND doesn't even arrange another shag

Im embarrassed for you

PoorYorick · 14/07/2017 20:34

It sounds as though he realises you have completely over invested and is trying to stay away.

ShizeItsWeegie · 14/07/2017 20:41

A cup of tea with milk and sugar without milk sugar or tea is nothing OP. Give yer wee head a wobble and move on.

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