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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really like him, but not sure what to make of him. Hardwork?!

164 replies

Givemewine00 · 13/07/2017 13:41

Don't want to drip feed but will try to make as short as possible.

Separated with DH around 5 months ago and recently started divorce proceedings. We still live in the same house at the moment as we have DC.

About 4 months ago, I met someone on a dating site, only joined really to see what was out there. We got on really well and met a few times. Two months ago, we had sex at mine, which obviously I share with STBXH, whilst STBXH was away. Probably not the nicest thing to do, but then I'm free to see whom I choose.

However since then OM has been blowing hot and cold on me, saying it didn't feel right, so I ended it. He came back after a week telling me who much he likes me and I do like him.

But here is the strange bit that I just can't get my head around and maybe a man will comment and give me a male prospective on this?

I'm not allowed to go to his place, says it's because he has to really trust me first??

We have arranged to meet several times and he has let me down.

He doesn't seem interested in coming to mine for sex when STBXH is away. Yet we're always sexting and he says how much he wants me.

He says when I'm finally in my own place he'll be round all the time??

I like him too much to walk away. I have accused him of being a player and he assures me he's not a player and I am the only one?

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 13/07/2017 14:20

Google his address. . 192 tells you who else lives there!!

PlausibleSuit · 13/07/2017 14:22

I'm not sure a male perspective is any more enlightening than any other here, but since you asked, here's mine. For info: (gay) male here.

The trust thing is weird, and seems to be designed to keep you at arm's length for reasons that he then doesn't have to explain. Could be any number of things, we could fill pages guessing and it's sort of not the point. Trust you to/for what? You've been seeing each other (albeit on and off) for four months. I don't understand what he could be struggling with, trust-wise. You not having your own place is a practical matter, an inconvenience maybe, at a stretch, but it's not something to provoke lack of trust IMO. It's not very honest - there has to be a context and if he genuinely has a reason he should have explained it to you.

But he hasn't done that.

In fact, you have good reason to not trust him, because he's keeping something from you. His home situation, whatever. And yet it's you that's being told there needs to be more trust. Which is misleading and unfair on you.

0ccamsRazor · 13/07/2017 14:24

Wtf Op! Pick up ye self respect off from the floor and block his sorry arse.

Flowers
Figaro2017 · 13/07/2017 14:24

Perhaps he's concerned that the woman he's seeing only invites him round when her husband is away. Maybe he's seeing red flags with you.

Even worse if you share your bed with your husband still.

Tenshidarkangel · 13/07/2017 14:25

Agree with PP - Major red flag. Run away.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 14:26

He doesn't seem interested in coming to mine for sex when STBXH is away. Yet we're always sexting and he says how much he wants me.

He doesn't have time to come up with an excuse to his wife/gf to get away.

Original poster
Givemewine00 · 13/07/2017 14:37

Thanks for the replies.

Justhad, thanks for that, didn't know you could do that. There are two other family members registered there.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 13/07/2017 14:39

He's either married or it's weirder still and he's a controlling nutjob - run for the hills!!

SnowLeopard6 · 13/07/2017 14:44

From a mans perspective

He's just a dick. If he really liked you he would want to invite you to his house.
Why he's not is anyone's guess. But it's far from the sort of behaviour you expect from a bf/gf of 4 months.

Trust is a 2 way thing. You've trusted him and invited him to yours. But he won't do the same. Not a good sign!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 13/07/2017 14:48

Who are the family members then?

chowmeinchick · 13/07/2017 14:54

His wife and his child ?

TheLegendOfBeans · 13/07/2017 14:54

Here's my tuppence:

I'm not allowed to go to his place, says it's because he has to really trust me first??

He's probably got something he's not wanting you to see. Whether a secret family or wall-to-wall collection of scary china dolls it smacks of concealment.

We have arranged to meet several times and he has let me down.

Deal breaker for me. Basically not on. Shows a lack of respect.

He doesn't seem interested in coming to mine for sex when STBXH is away. Yet we're always sexting and he says how much he wants me.

I don't think it's cricket to shag new man in the "marital" when STBXH still lives with you. You run the risk of getting disrespectful behaviour back due to the signalling of your own dodgy standards.

He says when I'm finally in my own place he'll be round all the time??

This smacks of you needing his regular reassurance which leaves me thinking your relationship dynamic is a bit skewiff.

I like him too much to walk away. I have accused him of being a player and he assures me he's not a player and I am the only one?

I'd wager that he is either
a) a player; secretive behaviour and the behaviour of his past means it's unlikely the leopard has changed his spots OR
b) you're not actually emotionally ready for this relationship as it sounds like you've not really moved past the one you had before and new boy is keeping you at arms length.

I suspect that new boy likes the ego boost of you being all gooey about him and the texting and flirtation and all that goes with it because in his eyes you are fundamentally unavailable due to you still living with STBXH.

As soon as you shed your husband and are free I think new boy will run.

Quit while you're ahead.

Popchyck · 13/07/2017 15:03

"We have arranged to meet several times and he has let me down".

He is either treating you badly and is single. Or he is treating you badly and is in a relationship.

The question is why on earth would you put up with someone treating you badly? And letting you down several times is treating you badly. The other woman stuff is irrelevant really.

myusernamewhichisthis · 13/07/2017 15:14

2 other family members? his mum and dad or wife and child?
what will you do?

think you need to end it. its just too odd.

Lovedlost · 13/07/2017 15:17

Send him a text saying:"How will (insert name) feel about you being at mine all the time?

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/07/2017 15:30

You asked him if he was a player and he said no...

did you really expect him to say 'oh, sorry, yep, absolute player here, no respect for you at all, just like to shag. Hold my hands up to that one.'

No player comes out and says they're a player, not when they think they can keep you hanging for another shag.

Justhadmyhaircut · 13/07/2017 15:33

Over 18's register on the 192 so maybe his dm & df...

myusernamewhichisthis · 13/07/2017 15:36

i think id just ask him who he lives with.

PaintingOwls · 13/07/2017 15:40

You've had up and downs in a 4 month "relationship"?

Are you connected on Facebook?

I also think he's taken. Sorry, OP.

Sluttybartfast · 13/07/2017 15:40

Yeah I think he's married too.

But. It doesn't really matter. He's unreliable and treating you like shit. Move on.

Loopytiles · 13/07/2017 15:43

Before dating you need to raise your standards.

Herbie58 · 13/07/2017 15:44

He's married, or in a relationship or just plain playing you. Run a mile - you're too invested already.

Men like this pray on women in vulnerable situations because they know you need the affirmation of your attractiveness, the attention and confidence that brings post a relationship ending.

Been there and fell for it!

Lucie8881 · 13/07/2017 15:54

Perhaps he's living with his parents and embarrassed to say??

Doesn't explain/excuse keep letting you down in regards to meeting up. If it was because he doesn't want you to know he still lives at home it still doesn't bode well for the future that he couldn't just say that when asked.

Or could be living at home with parents and seeing another gf that they know about hence why you're not invited around?

Sorry not much help but can't really see a positive reason as to why you can't go to his.

Original poster
Givemewine00 · 13/07/2017 15:56

It's two male family members listed.

He's not on Fb because of his job but I'm going to stalk the other two names later.

He does have two older kids which I know about.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 13/07/2017 15:59

Dad and brother which may explain the lack of desire for you to pop round for a visit?

Either way I think this is a misnomer and OP you need to just step away and let yourself breathe as a single woman before getting involved with anyone else, never mind someone with a questionable past.