Porn - don't know how to feel

[Mum157]

So, I've just looked at the history on my husband's iPad (I know I shouldn't have!) and it shows that he was looking at a porn site last night. The only time I can think that he was doing that was when he was sorting out the BBQ and I was upstairs having a bath.

Husband has a higher sex drive then me and I know that he likes porn, but I've never really thought about him watching it much..... and certainly not when I'm just upstairs having a bath! He must of just been watching it for a bit and not 'acted on it', so to speak....

I don't have a problem with porn per se, it just looked like really cheap crap stuff. And I think that it probably creates unrealistic expectations for men to have about their partners bodies and sexual behaviour.

I don't really know how I feel about it (and I know I'm rambling); I feel a bit disappointed and yucky, but also aware that he hasn't done anything wrong and he adores me, so I probably shouldn't give it another minute's thought.

What are other people's experiences? Thoughts?

TIA x

Girlywurly Of course any sexual activity entails a risk of harm, but that's why you take proactive steps to minimise these

Just like you can with porn viewing. And there is much less impact of your actions there (if any) in case of What If, if you are doing things the right way.

If the woman on a ONS doesn't give such things away or the STI is caught or the pregnancy does happen or one of the woman in the swingers party has been coerced, well this is not like having watched some free clip where even if you were to rewind time and reverse your decision to watch it, this isn't really going to change much because it never changed much to begin with. Unlike you being able to reverse the sexual activity.

The comparison you make is frankly heartless and insulting. You should be ashamed of it.

I didn't make a "comparison". Yes we know that some studio's ethics leave a lot to be desired. But porn does not equal the porn industry and nor does it equal "mindless" consumption of anything professionally made.

That's a counsel of despair. And factually incorrect. Many thousands of men swear off porn every year. Look up 'nofap' if you're interested.

Oh sure, some can be persuaded to give it up altogether just as plenty have been persuaded to abstain from sex by various programmes. But apart from relative minority my prediction is that overall this is doomed to failute. This sex stuff is just too important to people. But you might persuade more to at least take minimising precautions just as long as they can keep doing it. Just a prediction.

Tranquiltess, no, they are seperable. But for some a visual is streets ahead of just imagining things. Just the way their sexual response to various types of things just works.

JABAB, if you're really concerned about the risks inherent in swinging, one night stands, etc, why don't you campaign on these issues instead of using them to derail a discussion about abuse in the porn industry?

You seem to consider that viewing free porn is not harmful. Surely you understand that every time you hit on a porn site, you boost their revenues and feed demand for porn to be produced, regardless of whether or not you are using pay-per-view services? Pornhub is a free site, and yet it had posted the rape video I described earlier. Free is not safe.

This sex stuff is just too important to people. But you might persuade more to at least take minimising precautions just as long as they can keep doing it.

You feel as though stopping would be impossible. You're addicted, aren't you? There is help available, if want it. Google 'nofap' for non-judgemental support from men who have walked this path before you.

You've described yourself as being 'wired' for porn, but you don't have to be - you can undo that wiring, if you want to. Or you can accept that the pornographers are in charge of your sexuality now: they feed you a steady diet of fuckdolls and cumdumpsters and in return, you cum for them and their profits.

Why don't you take back control?

It really all comes down to the fact that men think they have a right to sex. And to porn.

Nothing will change until they realize that they don't.

A lot of hypocritical people on here, exploitation is everywhere. I bet it doesn't stop you shopping for clothes that have been made by children For pittance!

Yes, Bertrand. And any harm that occurs to women as a result is simply 'unfortunate'.

Actually, Duchess, most of my clothes are from charity shops, but that's beside the point.

Yes, abuses are everywhere. But that doesn't mean we should just shrug our shoulders and give up, surely?

Sadly, charity shop clothes aren't ethically chosen. Just what's been donated. So either way you'll still be buying some clothes from exploited workers.

So does that mean it's OK for me to fire up my laptop and get off to watching 18 year-olds being raped?

Sorry, Duchess, I don't understand what point you're trying to make?

So what then JAPAB? Porn gives you a better quality of wank? Or just a faster one? Which I find hard to believe, knowing how fast guys can do that.

That's a bit of a stretch Girlywurly, don't be ridiculous 😂
You buy clothes that have been made by exploited workers without a second thought, and tried to justify it by saying you buy from a charity shop. At least that's what it seemed because, for some reason you brought up that you bought them there. I'm just saying how hypocritical it is, that is all.

You presume a lot about my clothing choices and what I think/don't think about them.

But this is a thread about porn. Perhaps you should begin by saying what you think of that?

"A lot of hypocritical people on here, exploitation is everywhere."

I agree. Your point?

Yeah, I don't get it either, Bertrand.

The fact that exploitation is so widespread seems to make these discussions more urgent, not less...?

It's rubbish that people who watch porn will over time become desensitised and want to try harder stuff.
I watch porn occasionally on my own and I'm sure my DP does too. Our sex life is still very vanilla and very sensual/romantic. We both love it that way and don't ever try to push boundaries with each other because of watching porn.
Is it that hard to believe that sometimes people just enjoy looking at other naked bodies now and again?!

I don't mind porn. In fact I do watch it on occasion. The porn I watch has woman well over the age of 30 and has interviews with the people involved. I also want DH amateur porn.
Don't get arsy because I point out the fact that some people are hypocrites on here. It wasn't aimed specifically at you but it must have hit a nerve of yours. You seem perfectly fine to wear clothing made by an underpaid 6 year old as long as it's from a charity shop so I'll take that as a basis for your moral compass.

I don't find that hard to believe, Teddy because I also enjoy looking at naked bodies. But I choose not to look at porn because of what I know about the exploitative conditions in which these images are often produced.

It's great that you and your DP have such a lovely sex life, but have you ever considered how your consumption of these images might be contributing to harm for the people depicted in them?

I watch porn occasionally on my own and I'm sure my DP does too
teddy I would be willing to bet that the way you see/use porn is rather different from those who do it regularly though.

No because I watch porn directed by the female stars in them. Gianna Michaels for example. She's made millions from her porn films and she produces the content exactly how she wants.
What other people watch is up to them, but I personally pick and choose the porn I watch and I know for a 100% fact it isn't exploitative

@tranquiltess
I'm sure it is - but I don't think we can instantly go in all guns blazing and vindicate the OP's partner and cry LTB for him watching porn when none of us know exactly what he was watching

So you are not allowed to be outraged by exploitation in porn until you have eliminated all other forms or exploitation in the world? Have you considered that many of us do as much as we possibly can to reduce our involvement in all forms of exploitation?

And that while it would be very difficult to avoid involvement in exploitation in the clothing industry completely - what with public nudity being frowned upon - it is incredibly easy to completely avoid involvement in exploitation in the porn industry- just stop watching. There. You've done it. Well done you.

Girlywurly You seem to consider that viewing free porn is not harmful. Surely you understand that every time you hit on a porn site, you boost their revenues and feed demand for porn to be produced, regardless of whether or not you are using pay-per-view services?

You will have to explain the causal link in a bit more detail? If the pornsite uses ads and the money generated by the ads is used to make more porn then that is clearly a direct link. Albeit not one applicable to me because I use Adblock.

But as far as I am aware places like Pornhub are just platforms, porn equivalents of Youtube. A pornsite might put some of their free samples on there hoping to entice people to come and purchase a subscription from the site, but there is nothing in this itself that helps pay their production costs or otherwise does anything much to keep them in business.

Yes, Bertrand. And any harm that occurs to women as a result is simply 'unfortunate'.

I said it is sad an unfortunate that coercion can happen between partners, in whatever context it happens. I was just saying that you shouldn't interpret that I do not think this just because I am not going to advocate that the whole world has to miss out on swinging, threesomes, amateur porn, dogging etc, on a What If that this may have taken place.

The fact that you went behind his back to check his internet history for porn shows there is a bigger issue going on. You obviously aren't as ok with it as you claim.

Do you check his phone too?

A comparison might be with computer games - does playing violent games make you violent? The evidence suggests not unless you were likely to be violent anyway. Abusive people watch porn and then abuse. Porn is not the cause.

Filmed sexual activity is not inherently wrong IMO. The porn industry is, mostly, vile and exploitative. Porn can and is produced by consenting adults it is sourcing it that is the issue for many.

We also need to stop pointing the finger at men. Among younger women porn use is common place both with a partner and on their own.

I agree houseinnamess

OP, forget and eliminate all the comments saying 'it's natural, its normal, there's nothing wrong with it' etc...

At the end of the day, just as some people like spicy food, some people do not, yet no one would bat an eyelid at that. If you don't like porn (and truth be told I think from your post deep down you are not happy about it) then you have every right to feel that why. Don't let anyone tell you or sway you differently, you are entitled to that belief and opinion

Do you feel you need to confront this? If so, do it and express whatever feelings and emotions your feeling to your OH

To some PP, I cannot believe some of you think porn is 'normal'. Since when was it normal to pleasure yourself to another man or woman when your in a relationship? There is a screen between you and that other person, that person is real irrespective of photoshopping excetra. Would you find it okay if you found out your OH had masturbated to another REAL woman whilst sat in a chair in the same room? I think not so what on earth makes it okay as long as there is a screen in the way? It's still a real woman. She's still there and he's still lusting after her just as he would be if he was sat in the same room she was in. Just a comparison for you to ponder on

I'm not bashing you for your beliefs so don't force them on others just because you think your right. Heck, we could all be right to an extent here. Some people are okay with it and others not and that's that. Support women who don't and their reasoning behind that. It isn't a 'right' men have in a relationship if the other person is unhappy with it. Period.