Porn - don't know how to feel

[Mum157]

So, I've just looked at the history on my husband's iPad (I know I shouldn't have!) and it shows that he was looking at a porn site last night. The only time I can think that he was doing that was when he was sorting out the BBQ and I was upstairs having a bath.

Husband has a higher sex drive then me and I know that he likes porn, but I've never really thought about him watching it much..... and certainly not when I'm just upstairs having a bath! He must of just been watching it for a bit and not 'acted on it', so to speak....

I don't have a problem with porn per se, it just looked like really cheap crap stuff. And I think that it probably creates unrealistic expectations for men to have about their partners bodies and sexual behaviour.

I don't really know how I feel about it (and I know I'm rambling); I feel a bit disappointed and yucky, but also aware that he hasn't done anything wrong and he adores me, so I probably shouldn't give it another minute's thought.

What are other people's experiences? Thoughts?

TIA x

So there are quite a few people on here who are happy to ignore the exploitation involved in porn and just pretend that it doesn't exist or it's not too bad ...

I am not an expert on this at all but I have seen research saying that men who watch a lot of porn tend to treat women in general with less respect than those who don't.

Isn't it sad that so many women are unconcerned about the effect that porn has on other women's lives?

Or on children - it is out there and children see the stuff and assume that they must do all these things; and shave their pubes etc. etc.

It is pernicious and if you care not at all about the exploited women involved then women's lib was a total waste of time.

I know, I know, you do not believe they are exploited - how very convenient. They are - take it from me.

I'm male, I watch porn sometimes, I maintain a healthy sexual relationship with my partner. My expectations haven't changed, if anything it's fun to explore together. You find some new stuff to try haha. I wouldn't even give it a second thought 👍🏻

Yes, I must admit, I don't take any notice of the exploitation thing. It's probably true in some cases and won't be in others. I just don't let it bother me.

"Yes, I must admit, I don't take any notice of the exploitation thing. It's probably true in some cases and won't be in others. I just don't let it bother me."

Wow. Not sure how to respond to that.

I think the worse thing here is that you went looking on his iPad.

It is absolutely nothing to do with you what he watches when he's away. You are spying on him - that is wrong. You're invading his privacy.

He is allowed to wank when he wants (within reason, obviously). He's allowed to wank to whatever porn he wants (again, within reason - nothing illegal!)

Stop trying to kid yourself you're okay with him watching porn. And stop spying on him.

And to the posters who seem to think the majority of women in porn are forced - no they aren't. Believe it or not, it's 2017, and a lot of women like to have sex for money! It doesn't mean they're forced or pressured into it.

At the end of the day almost EVERYTHING has the risk of people being exploited.

Shall we boycott all modelling agencies because there's a few minority that encourage the models to be super thin? No we shouldn't

Shall we boycott films with child actors in because a few minority are over worked and taken advantage of? No we shouldn't.

Porn only has a damaging effect on a woman/the relationship if the man allows himself to disrespect her in that way. Porn doesn't force a man to not take no for an answer. Porn doesn't force a man to hurt his partner sexually.

Do I think porn is damaging to women? No, I don't. The men who think it's okay to disrespect a woman are the damaging ones! Again, porn doesn't force a man to become disrespectful, he chooses to.

But on the topic of disrespect - how disrespectful of the OP to be spying on her partner.

the women that accused James Deen were paid by those so called news outlets to say those things. In some cases they are on film directly contradicting their own narratives. The initial claim made on The twitter court of justice by his ex-girlfriend was made when she found out he bought a house with his new girlfriend. It's a very bitchy, competitive and money driven industry but to suggest they are all exploited suggests they have no agency over their own bodies and decisions. Do some more research and stay off 'free' porn tube sites if you want to understand about ethical porn and working conditions. X-art is a very good place to start...

I feel a bit disappointed and yucky, but also aware that he hasn't done anything wrong

I would absolutely consider this as doing something wrong. Without needing to explicitly tell DH that in those terms. But then I made bloody sure we discussed feminist issues at length in the getting-to-know-each-other stage. If he'd yawned and said he didn't want to talk about it so much or it was all too full-on and 'man-hatey' or anything of that nature he would have been gone.

Completely agree Dixie.

Women who don't let the exploitation of other women "bother" them... well. I'm lost for words.

I made bloody sure we discussed feminist issues at length

Eugh. Bet that was fun.
I can't think of doing anything worse.

I don't like porn. Even if it is the consensual stuff he's watching, I find it really sad (as in 'being a sad loser') that my OH got to the point where he'd just 'check in' regularly to see what was new on various sites. As well as all the stuff he happened upon elsewhere and clicked on. I really don't think it's good for a relationship to be devoting a great deal of time and effort into looking at other ppls naked antics. It's so pervasive. I would be horrified if my daughter was parading herself around like the women I know he has looked at. It seems a really twisted version of self esteem to me to put yourself out on the internet like that. So heavy breathers can get a thrill.
Why does he keep it secret from you OP? Something which encourages dishonesty in the relationship is surely damaging in one way or another.
Would you be happy watching things together, or not? You're either going to have to ignore it or have the conversation.
Obviously my comments above don't refer to situations in which both partners are happy, open and honest about their porn use! Have at it in that case

Eugh. Bet that was fun.
I can't think of doing anything worse.

That's alright, neither of us is currently interviewing for a replacement.

I'd not have it in my relationship OP, but each to their own. I don't agree with it and I wouldn't be with any man that needed to use it in our relationship. I can live with the occasional look as it's all over the internet now anyway but if he was choosing to use it as in having it as a hobby then I couldn't be with him anymore.

You are actually allowed to say you don't agree with it and don't want it in your life.

Apparently ALL men use it even know I know for a fact a lot of my male friends do not.

My boyfriend goes on it during the week when we aren't together because he doesn't have me. But he'd rather have me so I'm not bothered. I usually tease him that he was missing me if I go on his phone onto chrome to search something and one of those sites pops up.

My boyfriend goes on it during the week when we aren't together because he doesn't have me.
Yeah, this is what my OH said. Wasn't actually true though, unless he was missing me while in the same house, when he'd seen me 20 minutes ago . I'd take that one with a pinch of salt.

^ actually, that's just the same as the 'well, I'm a man!' and 'all men do it' comments. You should make up a bingo list of that before you speak to him OP, because I am willing to bet the first 'explanation' he gives you will be very minimised and not the real extent at all. It's the dishonesty porn causes that makes it a big problem for me.

PollyGasson24 There's nothing wrong with a quick wank to porn, even if your partner is in the house. Sometimes you're just not up for sex and want to relieve yourself.

Didn't say there was what. That was part of the bigger problem of dishonesty caused by porn use in my particular case. As a stand alone experience, I agree with you.

I think for anyone who works with teenage girls the effects of porn are all too apparent. Being co-erced into 'performing' on mobile phones, feeling ashamed of their bodies because they don't match up to the porn actresses, getting rid of body hair so they can look like the porn actresses. Being put under pressure by their boyfriends to do things they find frightening and disgusting. Their partners not focusing on their pleasure because they expect sex to be like the porn they watch. It is an absolute cancer in our society, and anyone who thinks its a 'bit of fun' needs their head examined. Never mind the effect it has on the lives of women generally - men sloping off to watch it on their screens in preference to spending time with their actual partners... getting more and more desensitised as they want harder and harder stuff. Bestiality, violence, and yes, perversion. I cannot understand why anyone would think it was fine. The level of self harm , anxiety and depression amongst young girls is directly related to the pressure that the porn industry puts on them because of the way it skews the attitudes of young men . Objectifying women as sex objects has become the norm from a young age, and I think that is very sad.

You put it much better than I could house. And all that is why I despise the prevalence of porn in our lives today. Of course, I doubt that the ppl who watch it as a casual thing wouldn't accept that these are real consequences.

houseinamess I don't think anyone wants teenagers watching porn. But, unless if you believe that watching people shagging on a monitor screen has the power to take a perfect gentleman and convert him into becoming some sort of coercive sexual bully type, then if teenager girls are getting pressured or coerced by their boyfriends, then isn't the problem that there are a subset of males who think it is OK to pressure or coerce females into doing things they do not want to do? An unfortunate subset who have been with us a lot longer than the internet I think.

isn't the problem that there are a subset of males who think it is OK to pressure or coerce females into doing things they do not want to do? An unfortunate subset who have been with us a lot longer than the internet I think.
Wouldn't you think that the vast proliferation of easily accessible porn has resulted in more (mainly males) who watch it? And that if you regard porn watching as a normal, casual activity you class the stuff you watch as the norm also? Whereas a lot of the stuff actually isn't a mutually beneficial sexual activity. It's highly sexually provocative (shaved bits/submissive behaviour etc by the woman, thus proliferating the view that this is how women should behave) or aggressive in some way.
Yes, this 'unfortunate subset' may have always been around, but the more youngsters see and grow up with porn, the larger this subset appears to get. As testified to by house above, and others on different threads.

There is plenty of porn where people are not exploited or trafficked.

I think some people just see "porn" and automatically assume "indiscriminate consumption of professionally-made porn". Hearing that someone watched porn and responding that they must not care about trafficking/exploitation say, is a bit like hearing that someone bought a t-shirt or cosmetics and responding that they must not care about sweatshop/child labour or testing on animals.

Or perhaps it is a bit like responding to someone drinking alcohol with how they must not care about alcoholics and underage drinking and some of the other things that can be associated with that substance. Maybe they do care about all of it.

For all we know OPs DH could have been watching amateur couple stuff for instance. Or founf a studio regarded as ethical. We just can't know what he does or doesn't care about.

"For all we know OPs DH could have been watching amateur couple stuff for instance. Or founf a studio regarded as ethical. We just can't know what he does or doesn't care about."

Let me think about that for 20 seconds. Right. Thought about it. Nope. He was watching mainstream porn.