Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

Sometimes, the double standards on MN can be mindblowing

I used to think - years ago, admittedly - that mn was a very child-centred board. But the thinking here, so much of it (with honourable exceptions) is the opposite of child-centred.

puzzled, what double standards?

Full disclosure: I am a separated parent of dcs who spend equal time with their father. he emotionally and physically abused me. He moved out and they go to his house half the time. I support their relationship with him but I would not have countenanced him pretending he was some kind of primary carer. We live in this polite fiction where basically I still do everything to do with the dcs - deliver laundered clothes, etc - that would have collapsed if I had moved out and he had tried to take over the primary centre of operations. My children have everything they need and they go on little holidays to their dad's house. That's fine but don't try to make out that their life would be remotely so nice the other way around

Noooooooo.... I really don't think that anyone who is suggesting that the OP should stay in the family home, or push for her parenting rights, is condoning or excusing the affair.

It's really not a double standard. Unless the OP tells us that she is the secondary parent, or that she doesn't want to continue being the primary parent, then that's a BIG difference from most 'My DH had an affair and I'm kicking him out' threads!

what double standards?

If you've read the thread, seen the frequent lack of empathy for what this poor guy will be going through and still don't understand, there's little point in me trying to explain

If you're the main carer for the children then you need to take them with you

Or not leave.

I think you don't want the children to know what you've done op. How long do you intend 'pretending' all is well?

What's best for the children is this turmoil, confusion and make-believe to stop. I'm afraid you made your choice by cheating again. Your DH deserves a chance to rebuild himself. Get a formal separation (then you won't be cheating any more) then you can look at joint finances, arrangements for the children. Maybe new man can help you get somewhere that the children can visit you? He surely must've taken on board you come with children?

they ones that were left by their mum are far more scarred than the ones left by their dad.

No one is more important than your own mother.

Remember this, dads - you're not important.

how about looking to have some joint counselling? Look at the reasons that led you to have an affair, and then a second one, and your husbands unhappiness.

Your children and their welfare should be non negotiable, your relationship appears to be full of hurt on both sides, so why hurt the children as well. Good counselling will either sort the marriage or give you both the strength to move on to the next stage in your relationships.

Puzzled, I agree. With no evidence this man is now being accused of being unstable and controlling.

Whereas all the op has said is that he has mh problems and would like her to leave. A woman in his situation, posting on MN (which happens all too often) would be told to pack his bags, put them on the doorstep and her depression would soon lift.

If she did so there'd be a mumsnetters cheering her on.

But a man, its suggested he's unsafe, unstable, aggressive, abusive & controlling. Despite the OP herself not saying any of this.

So, yes, double standards.

The primary carer should remain so, whether that is the person who cheated or not. So whoever is currently the main care giver should have the children live with them. However....... the cheater should also be the one to leave bearing in mind that he didnt ask for or create this situation so why should he lose his home?

I think that you should leave but only when you have come to a financial arrangement that leaves you both able to provide a home for the kids so you can can have 50/50 shared care.

To that end, stay put and both seek legal advice that will leave you both in the best position by splitting the marital assets.

Antigrinch, with respect, that's your situation, not the ops. So no-one's saying anything about your children's life. It sounds like you've had a very difficult time and are doing your very best for your children.

I'm also not saying op should leave or not leave. What I am saying is all these unfounded accusations about the op's husband are pretty disgusting and reveal a double standard amongst some posters regarding cheated on men and women.

I accept that op is the primary carer and that shouldn't change necessarily in the long term. That being said the current situation needs a quick resolution, especially given her dh's mh problems.

In these circumstances I think op should move out in the short term whilst arranging mediation to find a way forward that keeps the dc's needs at the forefront.

how about looking to have some joint counselling? Look at the reasons that led you to have an affair, and then a second one, and your husbands unhappiness.

The OP has cheated twice. Her DH is signed off work with stress. Joint counselling would be paying good money to flog a dead horse.

*Please don't feel as though you have to leave - your husband has no right to tell you what you can and can't do.

And besides, do you really want to leave your young children in the hands a mentally ill, possibly unstable (and by the sounds of it rather controlling) man? Goodness knows what might happen to them. Think of your children is my advice.*

Bloody hellfire. I mean seriously WTF!?! perhaps she should have thought of her children before fucking someone else?!

What is going on! If you are that desperate to stay with your children, then arrange accommodation and take them with you. It may not be as nice as shacking up with OM but never mind.

Bold fail on quote there. whoops.

No one is more important than your own mother oh poppycock. She might be the most appropriate primary carer due to work commitments but that doesn't mean she's better than DH who should just be forced out the way

How did the betrayed spouse suddenly become abusive and controlling?

He's taking a stand and trying to protect himself here.

Would any of you mums here, want your son to be the betrayed husband in this scenario? Would you still be saying your DIL should stay and your son should move out because he isn't the primary carer.

He's just the father who pays the bills isn't he.

OP, you don't seem to have any empathy.

I can tell you, that if your STBXH posted here, saying he found it unbearable. He'd be told to tell you to move out fully and only contact or respond to contact that is child or divorce related.

'Bird Nesting' yes, my parents did this. Dad stayed with OW on the nights not parenting us. OW left him for another man after 3 more kids.

Mum went out to compensate and stayed with one abuser then married another.
That didn't work - she's dead.

If only people thought about the consequences before they started shagging around!!

"If you've read the thread, seen the frequent lack of empathy for what this poor guy will be going through and still don't understand,"

It's not about him!
(It's not about the OP either)

Children aren't a reward for the more virtuous adult. they're small people who need to be looked after in the best way

There are so many posts on this thread that treat children as a prize. It's abominable

When it comes to the legal stuff about kids houses etc the solicitors don't look at who did what or any of the emotional stuff.
They will look at priority number one the kids wellbeing, who is the main carer & keep the kids in their home.... more than likely if op is the main carer they keep the house 60% and %40 to the other party.

So more than likely op you will end up ok out of this legally.

Morally IMO you should split the finsnces and care of your kids 50 50

This is more complicated than a father having an affair. In that case it is always suggested that he should leave to minimise the pain and stress for the rest of the family. But it also means that the children are de facto left with their mother, usually the primary carer.

In this scenario the competing factors of who had the affair and who is the DC's carer come down on opposite sides, depending on which of the two factors you consider most important.

The DH is hurt, and wants to lash out. I don't blame him one little bit. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's in no mood to discuss rationally what's best for the DCs, because that IS likely to be that they stay with the mother, which from his PoV means she's having her cake, eating it and coming back for seconds.

OP I think you need to cool this down and give your DH (I'm surprised you still use the D) time to adjust. To me that means that (a) you move out temporarily. You can explain to the DCs that you'll be back soon, this is just time to give Mummy and Daddy time to sort a few things out. And I think (b) you should also, temporarily or permanently, cut out the OM.

If you are really thinking about the children, this way they suffer the least pain and so does DH at what is a very painful time for him anyway. It's the least you can do in the way of damage limitation.

The main difference is that the typical father is unlikely to be the primary carer than the typical mother, so when he has an affair it's more straightforward to insist that he should be the one to leave the house.