Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

"Can I persist in staying?" Yes

"Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?" Yes, I think it will.

"Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought." I sounds grim for you and dishonest for the kids if they think you are still living there.

"House is in joint names, as are all savings." Then get a solicitor involved and work out what is best for the kids.

Obviously having an affair is not a good thing to do, at all. But you are the children's mum and this is your home. You and your ex/dh need to work it out together. He can't just chuck you out.

Patronsaintofglocks "... if you leave the courts will look at that as abandoning the children for another man- and you won't have any luck from that."

WatchingFromTheWings " ...change the locks." I believe that is illegal. If he does that, consult the police.

"I am the main carer for DC (have arranged work to do all school pick ups / drop offs etc) and want to stay that way."

Then they need you.

"Am I wrong to think that falling out of love with DH doesn't mean I have to spend less time with DC??" Of course you should not spend less time with our kids, but you will need to work all this out. Do not allow him to take over now because you have made a mistake in your marriage - marriage and parenting are not the same things.

ImNotDancing "my mother had an affiar, she left us with my dad. my dad is my best friend and I will always hate my mother a small bit for leaving me.
This is the bed you have made, now you need to lie in it with your OM. Why should your husband suffer even more because you broke your vows"

Why would you want the OP to leave her kids with the risk that they will hate her a little as you do your mum.

Having an affair is a horrible thing to do but it doesn't have to ruin the OP's relationship with her kids.

You didn't say how old DC are?

If you do as you suggest, you will be perpetuating a lie. I get the impression that your arrangements are more to do with hiding the fact that you have done the dirty on your DH & want to be with OM, than doing what's right for DC. You expect your STBXH to be complicit in this?

Are you surprised that DH wants you out? I expect he can't bear to look at you. You've betrayed him - not once, but twice (or more? as it's only that you got caught the "first time"?)

Woman up & leave, see a solicitor and make arrangements about the children. There is no easy solution to this.

I told my now ex to leave after years of abuse (then discovered he was also having an affair) but he refused to leave the house for a year. No amount of grin & bear it shielded the children from the inevitable atmosphere.

These are the consequences of your actions. You've already shown that you are putting your own feelings and happiness over that of your family by cheating once & having another affair, so just do the decent thing & leave the man with what small amount of dignity he has left. Ask yourself how you would feel if he had messed you about, you took him back & he did it again, but then wanted to leave you for OW. "But is it ok if I still stick around as if nothing has happened because I don't want them to realise that I am an adulterous, selfish git?"

Astonishing.

It does depend on how old the kids are. My Mum wad primary carer, she wants out, she left and without us. Dad coped.

There's no reason OP can't see the children every day after school till Dad is home but I think all sitting in the house till the kids are asleep then going off to sleep with OM is pushing it.
Is Dad really so hopeless he can't put the kids to bed or get them breakfast or look after them all weekend?

Totally agree with hoddtastic "...there is absolutely no way on this planet that i would leave my children if i had an affair, he's the one who can't live with you, he can go."

and

KarlosKKrinkelbeim "I think the notion that because someone has an affair they should automatically be the one parted from the children is deeply juvenile.
She has moved on from her husband not her kids. What is best for them is the guiding factor here."

"It is of course quite possible that the posters advocating here that the op should not leave are not the same posters who squeak LTB when a man gets off with a woman other than his wife."

Very true, but actually almost all the LTB threads I have read on here are men who are being abusive and cruel to their wives, physically attaching them and controlling them. Affairs are horrible and the OP was wrong to have two affairs but I;d never say a man who had an affair had lost his rights to parent his children.

While I read through this thread a very apt song started playing (on headphones I might add - I can't sleep) blink 182's "stay together for the kids"

Maybe Op happens to know the song, but basically it is from a teenage kids perspective of seeing their parents argue all the time. These are the lyrics they stick out most to me:

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along, so why can't they?

The right thing would be for you to go

he's the one who can't live with you, he can go so if he doesn't want to go he should accept OP sleeping arpubd whenever she wants?

Could just imagine the replies to
Dear MN. DH keeps having affairs but refuses to leave. It's really impacting on my MH and I've bow been signed off sick. What do i do?

Very much doubt it would be "he's fully entitled to live his life how he wants. Why should he see the children less just because he had multiple partners since you got married. Let him sleep over in the marital bed so the kids don't know you've split up"

Wow, poor husband, poor kids, how incredibly short-sighted

mummarichardson speaks a lot of sense, what is right for the children?

mogonfoxnight "... the people who are saying you should leave are thinking more about your dh's feelings than about the children's." They are wanting to punish you for having an affair, OP, and hurting your husband.

mogonfoxnight is so right "I absolutely sympathise with your DH. He must feel dreadful. He agreed to something 2 weeks ago but can't hack it. It is really sad for him and for you.

But it is not the children's fault and their needs should come first.

I think you need to finish with OM until this is all sorted and tell your husband that you are doing that. Move back in fulltime. Come to an adult agreement with your DH about separation and the children and living arrangements based on children's needs."

If this other man is of any value at all he will respect you for doing this.

With the 'specter' of the OM out of the way you and your dh can move forward to work out your separation and divorce and put what is best for the children a the centre of things.

Gut I completely understand why you would have an affair and I am sure you are so glad you did, which you should be.

Dibles I am very sorry for your situation but your ex was abusive. "I told my now ex to leave after years of abuse (then discovered he was also having an affair) but he refused to leave the house for a year."

I've read about so many husbands and male partners on Mumsnet who are abusive. The OP has had an affair which is horrible, two affairs in fact. But it is not illegal to have an affair. It doesn't mean you lose your legal rights to your home and children.

Children's needs should come first absolutely. But I don't think the OP was thinking of her kids when she had the first affair. Nor was she thinking of her kids when she had her second affair. Nor was she putting her kids first by continuing to see the OM, and thus perpetuating the environmental toxicity at home.

I cannot say if the kid's father is a responsible parent. What I can say though, is that OP most certainly is not.

Of course you don't want to. This was something that shouldn't of happened but did. Its natural to not 'want' to leave your kids or family home... But this is the scenario that you've came to..so.

Thank you, Italiangreyhound for your wise words.

People are bending over backwards to give equal rights to men on this thread, but if the OP were to leave, her children would grow up believing that she choose the OM over them. Much as I hate to admit it, children whose mothers leave them seem to suffer a lot more than children whose fathers leave them.

It's astonishing how many posters believe women should not be held accountable for their own actions.

I think it's important that children see that actions have consequences. Particularly, you don't get to lie, cheat and treat other people like shit on multiple occasions and get away with it. For that reason if no other I'd have thrown the OP out.

Can't say I blame him really. If it was a bloke posting this the consensus would be throw his stuff out, change the locks.

Yes. And it will be interesting to see how this pans out the other way round.

Go and see a solicitor and get this sorted properly. Given your behaviour I think it's a bit rich to start taking the 'what about the kids' high ground. The reality is your actions have hurt your kids because you've hurt their father and as posters have already said, falling out of love is not the same as having an affair.

Personally I'm not fully buying the I don't want to hurt my kids rhetoric and get the impression that you want your cake and seconds too. Your arrangement may work for you and it might work for your kids but I think your constant presence will continue to have a negative intact on your H's MH and therefore your kids.

Given your H's current mental state and your position as main carer you should remain the resident parent. For the sake of your kids you are going to have suck it up and be the woman who screwed her H over, the plaster has to be ripped off once and for all so stop dicking about trying to save face. Secure your stake in the home and family finances and If you really can't live together temporarily (which it sounds that neither of you really want) and he won't leave, then you should leave with your kids. You can't behave antagonisticly and demand amicable. Is it in their best interests to leave their home, no but staying in a house with a Dad who is struggling with his MH, while mum hot desks is probably worse.

To the posters talking about double standards - the people who think the OP should be treated differently compared to a man in a similar situation are saying that because she's the primary carer, not just because she's a woman.

The issue here is very complex.

The op has cheated twice. Things probably have not been great inbetween. If a woman posted that she had mental health issue and that her dh kept cheating. Everyone would be pointing out thay her dh was contributing to her mental health problems.

The op being in the house all the time is not best for the kids. The cheater should give their spouse some space. Being there all the time, but popping off to see the OM is not ok.

Its complicates because the OP is the primary carer. Or so she claims. But she has had plenty of time to work and shag someone else. Its possible that her dh disagrees she is the primary carer, which is why he has suggested she leaves.

The op being around and the stress its causing is not good for the kids.

Simple fact is that now the op has left. She cant see the kids every morning and every evening. Even if she gets majority care.

While the OP may not need to move out. Something needs to change. And her poor husband needs some space to heal.

Simple fact is that the kids will probably, find out eventually why the relationship ended. I also think the Op needs to take responsibility for the shit storm ahe has caused.

I think the OK must really hate her husband. Two affairs and now she wants him to leave the family home and see less of the children. He loses his wife his home and time with his kids.

I'm with the posters who say if it was a man posting everyone would be saying he has to go. She may be the primary carer but he still does parent and is still dad and he didn't choose any of this.

Ok is concerned for what is best for the children. Best would have been working on her marriage and not having her affairs. Getting help to renew their relationship. She's made her choices just as everyone would say the dad had donr if he had affairs and wanted to separate.

but if the OP were to leave, her children would grow up believing that she choose the OM over them.

Or they will grow up and find out their mum had multiple affairs, then kicked their dad out and screwed him over.

You need to consider what is in the childrens' best interests. Neither 'solution' is ideal. You either move out and your children feel abandoned by you or you continue living in a completely toxic atmosphere, also awful for the children.

Are you going to move in with the OM immediately after splitting up? How will the children cope with that?!

The ideal solution is probably for your husband to move out and you assist him in so doing, both financially and quickly arranging a legally watertight generous access solution for him with regards to the children.

Not sure either of you are actually thinking much about the children right now. You are in your own little drama and excitement bubble and your husband is (understandably) seething with resentment.

It is infinitely hard but now is the time to woman/man up and behave like mature adults who will need to be able to co parent going forwards. Talk about and find a short term solution (backed up through solicitors, as it sounds like the trust is gone), then try (via solicitors) to negotiate a long term solution which works for both of you (and, most importantly) your children.

No I wouldnt not until you have a new place to live where children can spend part of the time. Whilst you want to be nice with your dh because the split is what you want this is leading you to make daft choices. Realistically you dont have the money to leave him with the house and start again. You dont want to give up your kids which is what you will be doing if you leave him in the house with the kids and rent a room. You need to see a solicitor and work out a settlement. Maybe he would prefer to buy you out of the house or you could buy hom out? Whatever dont make a daft decision because you feel guilty.

The judgement on this thread is intolerable.

OP - get thee to a solicitor to help you with a fair divorce and do not leave your home. Just don't parade your partner in front of your H. Or if possible separate from him while your divorce is going through.

Of course your dc need both you and your husband and mediation (if you need it) should help you sort something which is okay for them.

My DM had several affairs, and in the end decided she wanted to live with the latest OM. She was our primary carer. We (4 children, aged 6-11 ) were asked whether we wanted stay and live with our DF, or leave and live with our DM and her new bloke. None of us wanted to go. We all knew things were wrong between our parents, though obviously didn't understand everything, but none of us wanted to play happy families with our mum and our 'new dad'.

My mum had an affair and left, despite being main carer. My dad made things work for me and my brother brilliantly.
I don't resent my mum for leaving, I resent her for having an affair in the first place. Yes she/they were unhappy, but having sex with someone else is not the answer. 16 years on I'm still much closer to my dad.