Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

Staying in a home where the parents are miserable is awfully damaging.

When the parents are miserable because someone is actively cheating its cruel and devastating to those left in the wake of the lies and betrayal of the cheat

The FAIREST thing is that ther person unable to be faithful to their partner/family is the one to go.

A husband has lost his wife, now needs to lose his home AND full time access to his children, wondering who on earth will be around them at such a vulnerable time? Really?

Oh and perleeeeze, of course loverboy will be there, she hasn't shown the slightest leaning towards putting anyone first except herself.

She's long gone anyway

Liars and cheats can't face the truth about the devastation they bring upon innocent children

They prefer life in the bubble.

^ just a couple of assumptions ...

user1476869312 good point about different standards.

Hissy, Dad is not just as good as mum, nor mum as good a dad if one patent is the main carer and the other works full time. At a time of instability children need stability.

AntiGrinch at 14:47, excellent post.

Lou can I ask, are your husbands stress and mental health issues really as a result of your affairs? You say at the start unhappy marriage. Was it unhappy before the first affair? Were there mental health issues already. please do not take all the blame here. I think it is rare for a marriage breakdown to be entirely I e person's fault (although I do now a marriage breakdown where it was).

Thinking of you Lou.

I second Italian Greyhound. It is not unusual for a wife to only find the courage to leave an abusive relationship when she meets someone else. On the other hand, he may be entirely perfect. But I doubt it.

Legally, he cannot make her leave the house and nor should she have to morally. She can love her children but not her husband, again not an uncommon situation.

Infidelity is not the worst thing in a marriage (and I say that as someone who would be appalled if my DH was and have never been myself), violence and control are.

Those poor children, left to live with someone who puts his own feelings before theirs and told "Mummy was bad/naughty and so she had to leave". It's enough to give me nightmares and I'm an adult.

Have some empathy. How desperate to escape must the OP be that she would leave her children and home to live in a rented room on her own? How ground down that she is even contemplating this?

The OP is still the main carer for her children because her husband won't or can't drop them off and pick them up from school. In all fairness if his mental health is so bad that he can't do the school run, how can he look after the children?

He seems unable to do anything but tell her what to do.

OP please get yourself a SHL and keep your children at least 50/50.

But I doubt it.

Why?

The prejudice against mental health sufferers on this thread is mind boggling.

The prejudice against mental health sufferers on this thread is mind boggling.

There's a lot about this thread that is objectionable, but this aspect is particularly revolting.

mistressdeecee i agree that we shouldn't generalise about MH suffering and when I referred to MH i should have said it was to do with how I had interpreted what OP had said referring to her husband and to his MH issues, specifically.

I am really not prejudiced against mental health sufferers. But if he is too ill to do the school run, then who will if the OP is banished?

I genuinely think it would be horrific for the children for their mother to suddenly disappear from the house.

And I don't think he is perfect because I haven't yet met anyone perfect, of either sex.

He may be ill, he may be well but very manipulative, she may be dreadful. It is exactly because we are all imperfect that we have no fault divorce and the interests of the children are supposed to be paramount.

I am the child of a hideously uncivilised divorce. I can honestly say it affected my self esteem all through my childhood and well into adulthood.

I don't think it's right for either parent to banish the other suddenly or to talk about the other parent's behaviour.

There are plenty of threads on Mumsnet where a man has cheated, the wife justifiably hates him but, often despite being on anti depressants and really struggling with their mental health, manages to stay outwardly civilised and we all applaud these women for putting their children first. Why can't he? Why does it have to be now/today?

I hope that I am always faithful to my husband but if I ever did stray, I really hope no one would think it was ok to take my DC from me or banish me from the house. We really would be back in the 1950s then.

The fact the OP is even considering leaving her children to appease her husband speaks volumes to me.

To me it is clear she does not want to leave but her husband has made her feel so guilty she has even considered it.

An affair is not good but she is not the villain of this story, I think maybe her Dh has been quite hard to live with for a long time - just a hunch.

CaretakerToNuns. WTF! Written any other good fairy tales lately? With your fertile imagination you could be the second JK Rowling.

An affair is not good but she is not the villain of this story

Despite being the one who had two affairs and is directly responsible for the situation she finds herself in? Do you not believe people are responsible for the consequences of their own actions?

Generally, the more punitive and spiteful the 'betrayed' partner is after an affair is discoered, the easier it is to see why the other partner had the affair in the first place.

Vile woman. Plus utterly despicable some of the cr@p that's appeared on this thread. Were it the other way round can we imagine everyone saying that (i) affairs happen, they're not a crime - we're not in 1800!!! (ii) kids need their Dad and (I ii) he should rush to a solicitor to assert his rights and refuse to leave the house.

Husband should chuck her stuff in carrier bags and change the locks.

I think maybe her Dh has been quite hard to live with for a long time - just a hunch.

Based on fuck all except the fact he possesses a penis, why oh why am I not surprised.

JoshLymanJr I do not think this is a story of villains. I think maybe the OP and her dh are both victims of an unhappy marriage. I am not defending her having an affair but if you read her posts she does not sound like a happy woman having a whale of time!

"Despite being the one who had two affairs and is directly responsible for the situation she finds herself in?" The situation she finds herself in is being in a loveless (sounds like it to me), unhappy marriage and meeting someone else. I am not defending having an affair but the OP makes it clear in her opening post "I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate."

She has not been having an affair for ages but has recently met someone.

She has a right to end her marriage.

I am not defending having an affair but it does not mean she is the villain of the piece.

"Do you not believe people are responsible for the consequences of their own actions?" Of course. But I don't think only her actions count here. Her husband is trying to throw her out of her own home and I do not think that is right or fair, and it is not legal.

user1476869312 "Generally, the more punitive and spiteful the 'betrayed' partner is after an affair is discoered, the easier it is to see why the other partner had the affair in the first place." I think this is so true. The OP's dh doesn't sound hurt and injured and sad, he sounds angry and let down and like he wants to strike out and be as mean as he can in return.

I can totally get that emotion and it may pan out well in a Taylor Swift video where one could cut up all the husband's or wives's clothes etc, or dump their cases on the doorstep. But when you are a family with kids you have to think about the bigger picture and about the children and what is best for them.

At no point that I could see does the OP say she wants him to leave. I think she wants them to separate but she is not trying to throw him out. He is trying to throw her out. I really hope the OP is reading and will know her rights. She is not his property any more than a man is his wife's property.

On the read about a woman whose husband had an affair, recently, I also did not condone having an affair but I also understood why that man had an affair and I am sure I said as much on that thread.

There are no double standards here. I would say the same if it was a wife trying to force her dh (who was the primary carer) out of the home.

Fathersyros "Husband should chuck her stuff in carrier bags and change the locks." He might try it but it would be illegal and anyway, what would that solve. She can ask the police to let her back into her home.

SherlockStones "Based on fuck all except the fact he possesses a penis, why oh why am I not surprised"

This has nothing to do with having a penis, and everything to do with what has been said.

People have been quick to assume the unhappy marriage and mental health problems are all of the *OP8's making. I do not see that as so. I find it hard to imagine many people, male or female, signed off work with stress because their partner had an affair unless there were existing mental health issues.

I've had mental health issues, about one in three people have them, it could be something mild or major. From what I've read it sounds like it may have played a part in the unhappy marriage.

The OP had an affair a while ago but they "Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy ..." This does not sound like a woman out living the high life. She stuck with the unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. So, presumably, did he.

If she had met a new man and was living the high life with him would she be coming back and caring for the kids if she did not really want to care for them? My thoughts say no, she would be long gone. So she does care for them, she has fashioned her working life around being the main carer.

And yet, despite the fact she loves the kids, does not want to lose her main carer role and is doing all she can to look after them through this difficult time, she is willing to leave to help her husband accept that their marriage is over. Yes, a time she has made difficult, but none the less it does not sound like she was caught out, it sounds like she came clean and told her dh.

In spite of her love for the kids she is asking us (MN) whether she should just leave them to make it better for her dh.

Does that really sound like a heartless bitch out for herself?

Not to me. It sounds like an unhappy women, in an unhappy marriage, crippled by guilt because she had an affair years ago, tried to make her marriage work for the sake of others and now has met someone who makes her happy.

Affairs are horrible indeed, but this sounds less like 'I got caught out' and much more like 'I am leaving you for someone else', which she is perfectly entitled to do under British law!

@Fathersyros

1 and 2 are correct - affairs do happen - and children do need both parents.

Regardless of who's had the affair - mum or dad.

The reason for the relationship breakdown is for the adults to sort out. It's not a child's problem. They just need their mum and dad.

As for no. 3 - of course no-one should be forced out. And in fact they can'r be legally. Rightly so.

I don't think anyone is saying it's fine for the woman to have an affair but not he man. I think people are saying that affairs are not great - but that there are often much more to the story than we think. And that the reason for the relationship breakdown should not involve the children.

And yet again - I say this regardless of which parent has had the affair.

Husband should chuck her stuff in carrier bags and change the locks

You see what you are suggesting is illegal and guess how I know? From all the threads written by betrayed wives asking for advice. You can't lock someone out of a house that they own, unless you get a special court order.

This is not a war of the sexes.

"You see what you are suggesting is illegal and guess how I know? From all the threads written by betrayed wives asking for advice."

Snap.

But OP, I am not certain that going to the OM is in your best interests. Usually it is healthier to have a gap after a long-term relationship.

AlexaAmbidextra Sorry for not assuming that the husband is 100% good as gold like most of the posters here.

To me, it sounds like a classic case of abusive husband and a wife who wants out. In addition, it seems that the husband is putting himself before his children and is unwilling to come to any form of compromise regarding the moving out, i.e. it's his way or the highway. The truth is that the OP is the main caregiver and therefore should remain with the children while the husband goes bye-bye and looks for his own place.

CaretakerToNuns

If the husband "seems" like an abuser to you with the little information that has been given your reading comprehension is seriously lacking I must say.

Most aren't assuming the husband is a good as gold, they're just reading the situation as objectively as they would if it was the wife that had been cheated unlike yourself.