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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 16:06

the crisis person (well, the mental health person) just said get off my backside and get them if I need them. It's true, I do need to but I really can't, shitty as that sounds

OP posts:
custy · 13/04/2007 16:08

my dad died when i was four - i mentioned this recently on another thread.

this shaped my whole life

you giving your son away will shape his - and its a selfish act - not a selfless one IMO.

when is the CAB open btw?

what questions are you going to ask them?

what do youneed to find out about your finances?

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 16:10

well, for once then I will be selfish. In my eyes it's DS getting a decent environment to live in, people who love him around him and who aren't crying, and leaving him. CAB isn't open until Monday, I dunno what to ask them - everything. How do I get a divorce? How will I eat? How will I pay the bills? Everything

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/04/2007 16:11

Quootie, I always liked your name!

I think if you do one small thing, you will feel better. If you spend too much time in your head you will feel worse. Just do one thing like phone the CAB or phone the doc for an appointment. Just a phonecall. I know the 'I can't' feeling, I have been there, but it is JUST a feeling. Once you do the one thing, afterwards you will feel really good and it won't even be that hard. Thinking about it is actually a lot harder than doing it. Give yourself a treat after, like 1 hour on mumsnet.

donnie · 13/04/2007 16:13

I disagree custy. I think if qp needs a break to sort herself out and her son can be looked after then she should do that.It won't be for ever. It isn't like a death. QP there is no shame in asking ss for help if you need it.

MerryMarigold · 13/04/2007 16:13

i'm not sure foster kids get people who love them. if they are lucky, people who look after them well. if they are unlucky....who knows.

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:14

Well QT, we do all have to do our bit to help ourselves. There are some things that no one else can do for you.

Your DS needs you. You are all he has. He needs stability and as he hasn't got that in his father it's up to you to give that to him. If you can't pull yourself together for your own sake then do it for your son. Don't just pass him off as another problem. You might temporarily feel better handing him over to social services but think about what it is going to do to him.

You should put your energies into getting some AD's and getting yourself out of this black hole.

lou33 · 13/04/2007 16:16

quootie, i have the same questions, and i have 4 kids to deal with here

i get depressed but it's because of them i get out of bed and struggle on, so what of the hosue isnt looking good, mine looks like shit atm

if you have nothing to focus on then you will really slump

custy · 13/04/2007 16:17

donnie - i agree if QT wants to do this short term your right ofcourse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2007 16:18

His father has already abandonned him. He certainly does not need his Mother to do the same.

Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 16:19

QP - I'm going to say something very personal and I don't want you to use it against me in the future

I had a rough time about a year and a half ago. I can't count the number of times DD has sat watching TV while I'm having a meltdown about two feet away. Or how many times I've held her sobbing my eyes out on her beautiful curly head of hair. No Bedtime routine?!! Watching too much TV?!! Not spending time with other kids?!! You might as well be describing mine and DD's lives for a long time.

Things are different now (I hasten to add!) but it took a long time for me to realise that my life didn't and shouldn't revolve around DH. Please please don't send your DS away - you need him and he needs you. Make him you reason to get up in the morning - cry if you have to - it won't hurt him; let him watch CBeebies all day; let him eat sandwiches for his tea (how old is he??). Honestly DD did all that and she's fine now

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:25

I put my hands up to most of that too cashncarry. Ive had my moments. Feel like supermum at the moment though with the help of the AD's

It's not a crime QT. You are showing us just what a good mum you are by your concern for your DS. He has his mummy. And while ever he has his mummy he will be happy to play with a sock. It's when he has no interest in playing that you start worrying.

Blu · 13/04/2007 16:26

QP - I have had depression, and truly, truly, if you need to be on ADs, then get back on them, straight away. You can't cope if you are ill - but if you take the ADs that will make you better! And give you a much better chance of getting through this really hard time.

Everything about the way you sound atm is that feeling of 'self fulfilling prophesy' of destruction. But ADs can break that. That man had no busines to tell you to stop taking them.

lou33 · 13/04/2007 16:29

cnc i have been there too

Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 16:31

Thank the Lord others can relate - was starting to feel a bit about sharing!

QP - are you ok? Have SS rung you back?

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:34

CnC that what i love about MN. All us mums who have so much in common. I used to have to watch Jeremy Kyle and Trisha just to feel normal, now i come on here
It's great knowing that you are not on your own.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 16:38

sorry, my brain wont hold the info long enough to post, erm, SS rung, ringing DH to get DS or they will sort something out short term with a view to long term

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 16:39

and he's getting mental health to phone

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 16:44

Hopefully SS ringing DH will give him the jolt he needs to realise that he can't keep doing this to you. They might organise a family conference or recommend mediation.

When Mental Health call, make sure you stand up for yourself - you tell them what you need. Sit down and write a list if necessary - can they offer you counselling, medication etc. Are they going to give you a proper diagnosis? I do think you need to sort out the ADs urgently as others have said - has the GP rung you back yet.

Don't worry too much about what your Mum said - sometimes family members and do more harm than good. They sound like they have their own issues which aren't to do with you or what you're going through. IME you're better off cutting them out of the equasion for now if they're not helpful.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 16:50

they are sorting out short and long term care for DS is what I meant, not stuff for me

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 17:00

QP - if they're going to be acting in the best interests of DS, then they will hopefully be open to improving the situation for you since as his Mum, you are the primary carer.

You've got to be a bit more pushy QP - you need help and you want to be the best Mum you can be - I know you do. The SS, the doctor, mental health - it's their job to help you but as in any profession, there are jobsworths and people who won't go above and beyond. If you need help, you HAVE to ask.

Taking DS away from you will not help you or help him. You may think that's the best thing for him - believe me, there were times I thought that too. But just touch his little head and imagine how you would feel if he wasn't there to wake up to. He needs his Mum and his Mum needs him xx

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 17:01

This is so sad it's heartbreaking. Thinking of you and your little boy xx

Blu · 13/04/2007 17:01

Are you doing this in the hope of getting your H to come back, QP?

Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 17:02

QP - I have to go and pick up DD now and won't be able to check this thread until much later.

Please re-read the entire thread from top to bottom. Then read your posts on other people's threads - you're a caring and very compassionate person. Use some of that compassion on yourself. I'll be thinking of you xx

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 17:03

no, im doing it because I honestly feel I cannot cope with him, dunno whether at the moemnt or just full stop. I cannot even cope with myself.

OP posts:
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