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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Blu · 13/04/2007 17:08

OK.

I can see why you feel unable to cope right now, at this very minute. You'v been abandoned, and you are depressed and off your ADs.
Asking for help is the right thing to do - just don't make any long term assumptions. it is everybody's job to help you to look after your little boy - and that may include giving you support, giving you medication, or whatever. Ask for the suport you need to be the mum to your little boy.

Please...if you ask SS to take ds away it will play into your H's hands in the longer term.

And he doesn't have yours or your DS's best interests at heart. Obvioulsy. otherwise he wouldn't be doing this to you. So don't play into his hands.

I have spent too many hours screeching 'don't whinge' at my tiny DS before I took ADs. I feel awful about it, but DS is as happy as a child could be, now.

GreatGooglyMoogly · 13/04/2007 17:24

I'm mostly a lurker on MN but I feel I have to post now as I have followed your posts.

What will you do if/ when DS is gone? Do you think you will be able to get all the help you need or might you just give up? I'm worried for you.

I'm also worried that getting your H involved now in looking after your DS may make it really difficult to ever get him back.

Please think about whether you need to give DS to H/ SS. If you can manage to feed him and put him to bed at appropriate times then he will be fine and happier with you than without you. Take the time to:

  1. get the ADs
2.talk to the CAB on Monday etc.

And please get help from friends and MNers near you. If you ask/ accept offers for help then you will feel so much better. Everyone wants to help but many people don't want to force you to take it, though that may be what you need! If only I lived near you I would be with you every day if I felt it helped, and I wouldn't take "No" for an answer

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 17:35

I don't want DS back if he goes. Doesn't matter if H will get one up on me or whatever. Thanks for your kind words, they do mean alot x

OP posts:
Blu · 13/04/2007 17:43

C'mon QP, you don't need to decide anything right now. You're in a very very hard situation, at the peak of distress. Don't decide your future in this frame of mind.

Really really hoping you get good support.

You haven't been unkind to your ds, you are worrying about him being happy - you're being a good mum.

What's happening nnow? Has anyone called you back?

Has DS had his tea?

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 17:46

It's not the time to decide your DS's future either while you are in this frame of mind. We are all rooting for you QP and I dare bet there's not one of us without moist eyes.
Please don't make any rash decisions. XX

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 17:50

not had dinner yet, he has it late at the mo. I seriously cannot keep going, so much has happened and worn me down, I see no point carrying on. I pick myself back up ALL the time, keep going and this is the point I am at for it. Cant get hold of H to take DS, so no idea what happens. Guess they just find someone

OP posts:
littleducks · 13/04/2007 17:56

I am emailing you my mobile no.

Would you like to come round to mine for a copffee and a chat have a bit of a break this weekend? or we can meet up somewhere neutral, i will keep an eye on your ds, while you relax, if you would like.Or if cab is in bracknell town i could meet you there on mon and help you deal with it. we have moved from slough to m*d so not too far.

And you dont have to be super mummy following the anthea turner book, you and your ds will be fine watching tv and eating easy stuff for a few days. He is one, he wont remember in a week, being with strangers would upset him more.

Blu · 13/04/2007 18:01

QP -yes, it must be very very exhausting. But this time, if you take the ADs, and haven't got your H messing you about, with help, you can get yourself to a much safer, stronger place this time.

can you call LittleDucks?

I think you probably do need some serious professional help, and that the www alone isn't the best place to keep you going atm...but you can ask for and get that professional help.

I'm not saying don't post - keep posting and knowing that people think of you and believe in you - but do remember that you are worth that professional support and deserve it.

Call Littleducks - she will listen, and give you a freindly meeting to look forward to over the w/.

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:03

thanks, but the problems will still be there. Thankyou so much anyway. I have my own plan of action in my head, and it seems best x xx

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:04

i am getting "help", 2 sets of people phoning me back. Just on here until I guess something happens.

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 18:05

i will come and get you both, you can sleep on my sofa for a bit if you need company

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:06

thankyou, thats so kind but I cannot sleep on other peoples sofas forever x x thankyou anyway xxx x

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 18:07

i didnt say forever

you wont want to stick in this madhouse for long, especially the mess it is in now!

Blu · 13/04/2007 18:10

QP - what is your plan?

Sorry i'm being a bit slow here - is one of the sets of people coming the crisis mental health team?

Will you tell them all you are feeling?

littleducks · 13/04/2007 18:10

ok its your choice but you havent burnt any bridges and th offer stands for as long as you need it

have you eaten properly? I'm not saying that toast will cure depression but something in your stomach should help you to think and function.

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:16

plan erm, just get DS cared for

OP posts:
OttersPool · 13/04/2007 18:18

QP i feel for you right now ..try to think longer term
you are all DS has...

lou33 · 13/04/2007 18:18

i dont understand why you are refusing all offers of help, and why you wont do anything but call ss

why dont you start your ad's again?

call the gp for some more and a home visit, can do it if you managed to call ss

please

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:18

not eaten, started slimfast today and only had the breakfast one. Not felt like bothering dieting since I found out H was leaving me

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:19

there is no longer term

OP posts:
Blu · 13/04/2007 18:19

OK.

I think having something to eat is a good idea. And get DS's tea too - keep you occupied for a few minutes.

I'm sure SS will discuss everything very carefully and not make big decisions in a hurry.

You've done well seeking hep today, QP - finding out about the CAB etc.

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:19

I dont mean to be rude refusing help, im sorry x

OP posts:
Blu · 13/04/2007 18:20

x-posted.

What do you mean, there is no longer term?

lou33 · 13/04/2007 18:20

why dont you want help tho?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 18:20

DS is eating dinner, couscous, rasberries, ham, rice cakes and cheese at the moment

OP posts:
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