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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:59

Will try GP for a home visit.

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 13:00

tell them it is really important and you cannot under any circs get out of the house

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 13:03

according to their website they are strict about home visits, and you have to book before 10 am. Thats for the offer of help by the way but I really don't want to be a burden or whatever x

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 13:04

Quootiepie - have not contributed to your thread before but I am just so for you I couldn't say nothing. Other posters know you better and have given you great advice but only you can make the right decision for yourself.

With regard to the way your DH has handled your depression. You say your DH has taken you to the GP - I don't think that's necessarily supportive. How can you speak freely with your DH there? It's your illness and until you deal with it yourself, you can't "own" it and deal with it accordingly. What does your GP think of your DH's taking you off the meds? Is your GP someone you can turn to? The mental health lady sounds frankly "mental" - why do you need to look after DH more to deal with the symptoms of your depression? I think you should ask to deal with somone else - anyone who recommends Anthea Turner needs to seek help themselves

Secondly, your DH seems to have a habit of disappearing without any conceivable reason. This is his problem not yours. Granted he might find it difficult that you suffer from depression. Personally I think he's using it as an excuse. If he needed help, there are third parties he could draw on. Given your previous postings re: DV I think DH definitely has issues which he needs to sort out entirely separately from you.

If nothing else, you need to put some distance between yourself and DH. If he doesn't feel he owes you some stability, then he certainly owes DS. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you need to draw a line in the sand that he knows he can't cross.

I think you know all of this but the practicalities are maybe daunting in terms of sorting out finances etc. Am I right in thinking you have a little support from your family? Do you have a social worker? You need a plan for yourself and for DS - one which necessarily excludes him for the time being as the only thing that is certain is that he cannot be relied on.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 13:16

No family support and no social worker or anything. Just trying all the local CABs still, only place I know to turn to.

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 13:21

tell them you need a home visit

i offered you help if you need it, you didnt impose it on me so it isnt a burden

this man seems to have taken all the life from you,is there noone at all you can talk to close by?

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 13:22

have a friend in Guildford but that's really it.

OP posts:
littleducks · 13/04/2007 13:28

ok, info about crisis loans here some jobcentre do it over the phone, get in touch with yours you need some money.

I online and at home so can help if suggestions come along

lou33 · 13/04/2007 13:31

i am near there

call them

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 13:32

have text her, but she might be working and I don't want to distract her. I am not eligable for crisis loan I don't think, not on any benifits.

OP posts:
lulumama · 13/04/2007 13:34

By Quootiepie on Fri 13-Apr-07 12:23:53
but yesterday we were fine. Totally normal relationship. It isn't as if it's bad all the time. I cannot see a reason for this suddenly Again.

quootie.........you need to understand and realise, and stop denying it...this is not normal !

have had a quick skim, lou, cashncarry and littlestar have given fantastic advice...

he uses your depression as leverage, has forced you into this passive role, you need to start getting angry , with him and yourself, not sad.....get angry, get passionate and sort this out......DS needs stability, you can give it to him

lulumama · 13/04/2007 13:36

start taking the ADs now

if you don't have a script, go to the doctors and sit on the doorstep until you get one!

cannot believe he made you come off them

and , frankly, after everything you wen through , that you stopped taking them

quootie....have been in the throes of depression , and it is hard to get motivated, but you must start trying, and the ADs are the first step

lulumama · 13/04/2007 13:37

if you are a SAHM, and your DH has walked, you will be eligigble for benefits, as you have no income !

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 13:44

on phone now to jobcentre

OP posts:
lulumama · 13/04/2007 13:45

stop doing

come on, be strong, be positive, you are moving your life forward, for you and DS......be proud and be strong

lou33 · 13/04/2007 13:49

yes, what lulu said

i have noone around in terms of day to day support, my exh is in asia, he doesnt pay me anything ,i am going bankrupt, and my bf has just moved to thailand

but it's still better than living with him for the rest of my life

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 13/04/2007 13:58

Quootie,

Have only just seen this thread. I was in a similar situation 7 years ago, although no kids. My spineless ex fiance used to do this to me, I would come back from work and all his stuff would be gone, 2 weeks later he'd be back, a week later he'd be gone. Went on for months. I was a wreck, on ad's and just generally messed up.

Looking back I don't know why the hell I put up with it for so long. But its hard to think straight when you're in the middle of it and love him and want him back. I know its hard but I honestly think that you deserve better. Any man who can leave in such a way just isn't worth it.

The jobcentre/CAB should be able to help you out with advice on what benefits, etc you're entitled to. Move forwards.

Taylormama · 13/04/2007 14:00

QP - i am so for you and you have had some amazing advice. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for the best part of a year and he was always leaving/breaking up etc etc .... i rationalised my relationship to the point where like you i thought it "was normal" and took any pathetic scraps of affection he offered me as "proof" he must really love me.

You say you don't know why he left last time because your house was spotless and you made him sandwiches ... he would have left you anyway. You are tying yourself in knots to try and please a man who you cannot please - stop now! He WILL NEVER CHANGE but you can.

I hope you choose this time to move forward and get him out of your life for good. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) you can do it!

Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 14:02

Lou33 and lulumama are right Quootiepie! I know you feel helpless and depression is debilitating. Added to that (IMO) your DH's behaviour when he is around (controlling, aggressive) it's no wonder you feel like you feel so impotent and helpless.

However, like lulumama says, the first step is getting back on the ADs. They will help with your physical symptoms and redress the chemical imbalance in your brain. Then tackle the emotional imbalance - you're at DH's mercy at the moment. He comes, he smiles, he takes you out - everything's great. He goes, he runs to his Mum's, he removes himself from your life - everything falls apart. It's a pattern only you can break.

Re: you not having a social worker. Have you contacted the local council? If you have no family to rely on, they're the next best thing IME. It's all about getting the right person on your side - is there one attached to the GP? Is there a Practice Nurse who can offer some practical help or help you contact someone who can?

Listen Quootiepie - you come across as an extremely articulate and resourceful person on here. I'm aware it's only virtual and that maybe you've put on a front slightly in order to cover up what you perceive to be inadequacies. Even so, we know you well enough to think you can do this. You have to start believing in yourself my love - that's the only way that your life will change.

Have a look through some of the threads in the rship section. Lou33 isn't alone in having to cope with an sh*t of a DH/DP and having to deal with the fallout of their dickheadish behaviour. I'm sure I won't offend her or any other women on here when I say that they don't have any special powers - it's sheer strength and determination that's got them through - some of that strength came from here, their friends and maybe family. Most of that strength came from inside them - most of the time there was a trigger when they just thought - "that's it, no more crap". What's your trigger going to be? How many more times will you let yourself and DS go through this? Have you thought about what you would do if DS is older and needs to have it explained to him?

I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh - we really all want you to start putting yourself first and not wait on DH to sort himself out - it might never happen and if you don't take a stand, he won't have any reason to sort himself out, will he? xx

lou33 · 13/04/2007 14:08

great post cnc!

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 14:14

Thanks for all the advice, ball is rolling with benefits but Hs name is still on the mortgage and I think that may affect things. It's so hard to come to terms with having shit all left. He made me quit college, my whole life was him and DS. I have broken myself to pieces for him, between him and my ex the last 5 years of my life have been utter hell I cannot work out why it always happens to me, everything bad, all the time

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 14:15

he seemed to have made you do a lot of things

why did you go along with it ?

your happiness is important you know?

lulumama · 13/04/2007 14:18

without wishing to sound horrible

you let these things happen, to a certain extent, he has bullied you and crushed you until you don;t know where to turn, he has made you a shadow of your former self

you have all the tools and the advice now to break this cycle and make good things happen

it will not be plain sailing, but you are young, you can go back to college, you can get your own place, you can find a man who will love and respect you , not bully and defeat you

you can and must be responsible for your own life and your own decisions

Cashncarry · 13/04/2007 14:24

Honestly Quootiepie - it's not the right time for you to be beating yourself up about your choices - you must just start making plans and forget about the whys and wherefores for now. There'll be plenty of time for that later!

Think about it this way - if you hadn't have got together with him, you wouldn't have your lovely DS

littleducks · 13/04/2007 14:29

QP: you have my email dont you?

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