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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:18

typical, CAB closed on a friday

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:21

he might well be grieving, but it doesnt give him a licence to treat you as he does

you are grieving too, for the way you love this man and he treats you so appallingly, but he doesn't seem to care about that

hard as it is, i think it's time you let go of him, you might be scared but surely it has to eb etter than the way you are living right now?

mylittlestar · 13/04/2007 12:23

to text you to say it's over...

he's putting you through hell. running away whenever he feels like it. it's absolutely not your fault, especially nothing to do with whether the house is clean etc.

agree with lulu, i think you need to find some strength by knowing your rights and looking to move forward without him. you don't deserve this.

even if he does come back this weekend, will you still go to the CAB on monday? please?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:23

but yesterday we were fine. Totally normal relationship. It isn't as if it's bad all the time. I cannot see a reason for this suddenly Again.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:26

Am trying another CAB thats open, does it matter if they aren't your nearest?

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:26

but you werent fine yesterday, or else this wouldnt be happening all the time

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:27

we were, just looked at a car for sale, did some shopping, got home, watched the soaps, planned to do something on Wednesday, went to bed...

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:30

but the very fact he keeps leaving and coming back means the relationship is not toally normal iyswim

the issue of why he keeps doing it is still bubbling underneath, you will always be wondering if he is going to do it again

the way he takes off is not normal, for want of a better word

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:31

shall I let him go?

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 13/04/2007 12:31

The man is madder than a box of frogs, cut your losses.

lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:34

i think you should, i would, but i am not you, so i cant tell you what to do

because you do everyday things with him inbetween him leaving, does not mean things are fine

i'm really sorry

can you picture yourself in 5 yrs time, and how you might be feeling if he is still behaving like this

and how much is it going to affect your dc?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:36

He threatened before to take DS off me, and use my depression as an excuse

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:37

he is bullying you

being depressed is no reason to ave your child taken off you

i'm not surprised you feel like that if he keeps acting like he does ffs

has he thought he might be contributing to your depression?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:37

Not just contributing (sp), he made me come off my ADs.

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:38

why did you listen to him?
honestly, can you tell me anything that shows he loves and respects you?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:40

He said they weren't working etc., and he makes the GP appointments and takes me and he won't anymore. And there is little point telling me to because I can't

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2007 12:43

QP

He made you come off the ADs?.

What gave him that right exactly?. Quite apart from anything else withdrawal from such things should not be done without medical supervision.

He is a bully and a coward. You cannot change him but you need to change how you react to him because he is treating you like crap and you're enabling him.

What are you both teaching your child?. Damaging lessons are being imparted here by both of you.

mylittlestar · 13/04/2007 12:44

any way you can get yourself to the docs?

got some more ADs and get referred for counselling to help you realise that none of this is your fault and to help you get the strength to decide what to do?

i'd suggest if you love him that you went to counselling together... he seriously sounds like he has major issues... but i very much doubt he'd go anyway, would he?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2007 12:44

"And there is little point telling me to because I can't"

What do you mean you can't?. You sound thoroughly defeated which is to him the whole point of the exercise.

Who is he to say that the ADs were not working. He's not medically qualified is he?.

lemonstartree · 13/04/2007 12:50

there is no reason, you will never fnd one. He has gone becuase hi s an immature childish twunt with no sense of how an adult relationship look, get rid, dont waste your life on this twunt.

lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:54

where do you live?

he has absolutely no right to tell you what to do and how to behave like this

he cant decide for you if you need meds or not fgs, that is for you and your doc

can you see that his behaviour has brought you to this point?

you think you cant cope because thats how he wants you to feel

honestly quootie, i'll make a wild guess here,and say that by leaving this relationship, you will find yourself a lot happier than you have in many years

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:55

I can't because I havne't been out alone for years. I cannot even get out the front door to wash it, let alone walk 3 odd miles to the GP I suggested everything, couselling etc. He hasn't even be around long enough for the forms to come from Relate.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 12:56

live in Berkshire. All the CABs seem to be busy or closed

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:58

does it have to be him who takes you anywhere?

dont you have family or friends?

even if he took you, why is he deciding if you take the meds or not?

can you call the doc and ask if they will give you a home visit?

lou33 · 13/04/2007 12:59

i'm in surrey, if you need any help

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