Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

QP love you are both very young and sometime when things go wrong it is easy to look for a quick fix, going to a unit means you do not have to make choices for yourself,
This man seems to have very big commitment and commutation issues, men have the advantage of being able to run away from most things (sorry in advance to the ones who do step up to the play) but as a woman and a mother you don't get to do that, as much as you may want to.

Get a family member to help you with the forms, see about a crisis payment from the dss and take a good look at yourself in the mirror and repeat after me, I AM WORTH MORE THEN THIS.

Qp.it sounds like you have gathered some strength which is good.

please use your strength and we will all be here for you.

and please regognise that if this situation continues - him leaving - you in pain, crushed wanting it to be over etc - that eventually your friends, family and aquaintences will become anethestised to it.

what i am saying is what you already know. things need to change now whilst you have some support and help. You may get to a place where you want it to change in the future but everyone around you may be emotionally dry.

call his mum once to be polite and say cheerily " tell dh his stuffs outside, thanks"

then dont phone her again and in your situation i would be seeking legal advice and have his things in boxes on the pavement.

you have my e-mail address, and your welcome to stay at mine if you can palm your kid off with a family member - you can come down to the sea side.

when you get strength and confidence then he can't use it against you. and if you end up together it will be becuase you have regained a power inbalance and both invest in your relationship.

How are you, QP?

Some great advice on this thread. I hope you are feeling a little stronger.

I know how hard it is to think about doing anything drastic in your relationship, as I have been in a position where I knew things weren't right, was being told on here that things weren't right, but wasn't yet strong enough to even begin to think about leaving.
It took me years of giving chances, having talks, hoping all would change for the better this time, getting counselling, getting him counselling etc, before I realised that things were never going to get better & I needed to face up to the end of my marriage. So I understand exactually how you feel, and also understand how much it messes with your head when they switch on the "nice" side, believe me!
I can tell you are nowhere near thinking of leaving yourself, but I do urge you not to let him see he is getting to you so much when he does these dissappearing acts, as you are giving him such power over you.
Don't let him think you need him - let him see you are strong & won't put up with being treated like this.

Seek advice from professionals, find out your legal rights etc, so you know that if it comes to it, you will be able to survive!

I hope you are ok tonight. I am thinking of you.x

I am just back... feeling quite crappy still. Found he had posted an envelope through the letter box with money for living and DSs birthday, and a little note saying he had gone to think. No I Love You or anything Luckily most that days I am doing something before DSs birthday, and maybe he will turn up then with an explaination. CAB is closed until Tuesday I think, so, not much I can do on the practical side of things yet... Thanks for all your kind posts xXx

Just a message of support QP - I think you're doing brilliantly as a mum and you're so young to have had to go through all this, but it sounds like you're getting stronger and stronger. Believe in yourself and get through this the best for YOU and DS. Hugs!

Hey you... look after yourself

{{hugs}}

x

Another not too bad night actually. Went to bed about 11.30-12, which is REALLY good for me. And slept. Hopefully will be going shopping today for DSs birthday present and that... at least it's something. x

Well done, QP, you are sounding so much stronger.

Stay focused with these strong decisive thoughts ....you are looking after yourself and ds that's what you have to remember when you feel yourself slipping.
You are strong enough to see it through, enough is enough.

And remember that you deserve so much more than a man who chips off as soon as things get a bit tough. Or not even a bit tough. He seems to leave as and when he feels like it. It's not on and it's not good enough for you. He's a father FFS.

I wouldn't bother waiting around for him to crop up with an explanation or anything. That's his problem, not yours anymore. It must get boring hearing the same things coming out of his mouth? It must all be pretty meaningless too if he's a serial leaver.

I promise you in a year, you'll look back and feel so much happier that you're no longer dependent on this man who always takes so much away from you and DS. He's the weak one and he will always be that way. He can never get away from himself. That's not to say you should feel sorry for him!

You, on the other hand, are doing brilliantly. Don't worry about what other people say or try to blame on you. You're looking after your DS and youself and that's the way it should be. Take your time and indulge (and protect!) yourself with lots of TLC and pampering.

have only read a brief ammount on this thread as you have so much support!
when you feel a bit down just take a good look at your child to make you feel better, my midwife told me this and i think it works too.

QP, oh shit.

He seems to act weirder and weirder, do you think he needs some help to deal with his dads death and how that effects his relationship with his mum and his role as a father?

I started a thread searching for you a while back, so sad your back in these circumstances. Please let me help.

I am going away on holiday next week, sorry, but will be around next weekend. Have moved so am actually a bit closer to you.

Stay strong and good luck.

If you have no money, go to the jobcentre, talk to someone, get a crisis loan and put in a claim as it could take AGES to be processed.

How are you, QP?

QP so sorry for the delay I have e-mailed you. xx

How are things, QP?

Just dug this back up - he came back and then went to work today and has left me again. "sorry it's over" via text.

oh no has something happened last night to trigger this?

are you ok? xx

nothing happened. House is spotless so can't be that, I offered to make his sandwiches so can't be that... I did text and ask him about taking DS to a swimming class, that's all He has left the main car and taken "his" one, which he rarely does. I have no idea what to do, again.

he is leaving because he can. and he knows you are waiting to take him back, as has happened countless times in the past. change the locks, see a solicitor, take some power and control back.....get yourself and DS sorted...this is no good for you or your son.

he is a coward, and a bully, and to text you to tell you, what a £(&$(&(&( !!

I don't have any money for those things At least there is food and electriciy which is more than I had last time

I told the mental health team about what he does, she said he was greiving and needed space and I need to do more to help him. I even bought that Anthea Turner Housewife book

get to teh CAB, they can advise you about benefits, seeing a solicitor, many do a free session to start with, the CAB is free..do something positive

you need to take the first step

that sounds like rubbish

the grief is an excuse, he treated you like sh*t before he was bereaved,has always abandoned you when the going gets tough, and the state of the house is not a reason for him to leave or stay...

sorry to sound harsh, but this has been going on for so long, you need to do something, go to the CAB today. get the ball rolling, you will feel better and stronger