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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 21:52

Just tonight. She is working tomorrow, then off to London at the weekend. SHe isn't a whole lot of use, she can't do anything if you see what I mean. The nearby MNer is coming tomorrow afternoon which is good... but at the end of the day I keep wanting him back, I cant say to myself "this is it, fuck him".

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/03/2007 21:54

He's doing you more harm than good at the moment though qp.

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 21:55

I know... I don't even know how they would contact him to say DS had gone into hospital as everyone denies seeing him, or ignores calls. At the end of the day, I am waiting for him to come back. God knows what I will be like if he contacts and says 100% he is leaving. This is me with some hope left!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/03/2007 21:57

OH i dont know what to say to you sweet. Your DS should be your world, not your unreliable, destructive DH. He really has got a hold on you.

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:03

just wish I could contact him, this is so so so crushing

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 22/03/2007 22:07

Oh QP

collision · 22/03/2007 22:09

Whereabouts in Berkshire are you QP?

I am in Warfield if you want to meet up. If you need anything just CAT me.

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:20

Oh. I used to live in Warfield - now other side of Bracknell.

OP posts:
collision · 22/03/2007 22:21

I have a car so we can meet up if you need anything or just a friendly chat and a coffee!

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:23

I am very all over the place right now... it's very very kind of you, but, I fell i'd be erm... putting myself on people too much

OP posts:
collision · 22/03/2007 22:24

OK, no worries. Just didnt want you to think you were on your own.

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:31

fingers crossed DH will turn up at some point that's what all my hope is on.

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 22/03/2007 22:35

but unless he learns to treat you with the respect you and your child deserve, this could be an endless cycle of ups and downs. painful as a split would be, surely it would be better than the continual uncertainty? I do wonder as well whether he has ground you down so much that you believe you can't function without him.

collision · 22/03/2007 22:36

this is NOT meant to patronise you at all QP. On your profile you say that you are 20 years old. I was just wondering how old your husband is?

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:37

well, I love him so much. It's more than wanting him because I need him. If a millionaire came and said he would look after me etc etc I would still want DH... Just hurts so bad he can care so little. I mean physically hurts now.

Sorry I haven't really read previous posts, but my brain is not in gear to read too much in one go

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:37

he is 24.

OP posts:
collision · 22/03/2007 22:39

You must have been very young when you got married and I wonder if it has all got too much for him and whether he might be depressed too. Not that 24 is so young that he shouldnt face up to responsibility but that he is freaked out.

what do you think?

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 22:56

I don't know... I can cope well enough, he only had to at least stay in the same house! He had an ex for 6 years... I don't know why he keeps leaving me. Well, I do know his mum hates me and bad mouthes me, and subconciously forces him to choose. And he has.

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 22/03/2007 23:20

And he is not man enough,or boy enough to choose.

Just think, if he made a decision and stuck to it, you would be so much further ahead of all this nonsense.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/03/2007 23:23

Why does it have to be his choice at all?

He is being a total arse. You dont deserve it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2007 07:08

"because I still love him, and when is is "nomal" he really is OK".

No's he not. This is so fatuous a comment it breaks my heart. I think you've dug yourself into the time honoured trap that if you love him enough and that you behave okay he will come around to your way of thinking and return to "normal". Wrong. The only person who can change him is him - not you, not your son, not anybody. He is showing no signs of wanting to address his issues. They are his issues. You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

Why exactly is he running away like this?.

You may well think you love him but he's certainly not showing you any love or giving you an ounce of consideration at all is he?.

Seeing all this happening around him is not doing your son any favours either; this in all likelihood will damage him emotionally. You need to see this abuse for what it really is. He's also being affected. You can stop this.

You and DS could cope admirably without him. You just need to have a little faith in your own self; something that no doubt has been taken away from you by him.

Please do not put DS into care - he's already been abandonned by one parent already. He does not need his mum to do the same as his Dad has done.

Your son and your own self should be your number one priorities - not him. He does not deserve the time of day but a divorce petition.

aol · 23/03/2007 07:15

How old is your son QP?

SherlockLGJ · 23/03/2007 08:15

Brilliant post Atilla.

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 08:18

Quootie are you there this morning? How are you?

I haven't seen you around for a while and I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Make sure you keep coming here for support and get all the RL support you can - you WILL get through this. Even though you can't see it now I promise you will.

Can you CAT me? I noticed that it's your ds's birthday next week and dh hasn't been around to sort out a present with you - I'd like to send a gift over that I have which would be perfect for your ds.

(Feel free to ignore this if you just need space and you don't wish to get in touch. I just wanted you to know I care and will help in any way I can.)

Blu · 23/03/2007 08:25

QP - have been following but not posting...but would like you to know i am thinking of you.

Attila says "You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship. ". I know from a previous relationship how true this is. And the efffects of trying can suck the life out of you. If you make it your life's mission to be loyal to someone who won't be changed by you, you are taking yourself to a pre-destined failure - which then further undermines your confidence and self-respect.

There is an African saying 'never accept a shirt from a naked man' - i.e people who have not cared for themselves cannot properley cre for another.

Care for yourself first and foremost? (yourself being you and ds).

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