Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 17/04/2007 01:30

and now you know you can go out on your own when dh does come back, you can make sure you get your card back. now if you need to buy something you will be able to go out and get it yourself and not have to rely on him. then if he does go off again at least you will have some money to get by with.

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 08:43

They haven't said what I get, but I am waiting for the forms. I do not know what to do if he comes back though - cancel it or wait a week and see if he stays? Would that be fraud? Might try and get out today but I promised H the house would be spotless when he gets home, and inbetween caring for DS that'll take all day. I am hoping to be able to get out and about more by myself, and if H ever gives me the price of a bus fair even head into town.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 09:23

Some random guy (well, from CMHT) is picking DS and I up to take me to GP appointment. So, back on medication tonight

OP posts:
meowmix · 17/04/2007 10:12

by put up and shut up I didn't mean don't talk about your feelings, but you need to understand you have a choice here - carry on with life this way or make a change.

If you carry on this way then thats your reality, its not going to change no matter what you say or do. You've effectively chosen to put up with that life so make the most of it.

Or get a real life with someone worth knowing, who is emotionally mature etc.

Now maybe this h of yours will finally mature at some point and be worth your love and maybe if you get on with your life without his teenage behaviour then he'll come to his senses and come running back full of apologies. But I'll put a fiver down to say if you give yourself a chance to be the person we all see then you'll want nothing more than a civil friendship. Loving someone is about trust. How many times are you going to let him break your trust?

lulumama · 17/04/2007 10:41

sounds like you have made your decision

although you are not convinced he will stay

spotless house won;t make him stay if he doens;t want to

i hope things work out

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 10:54

Hi, just back. I have made my decision, yes, but for now. I will really be taking mental notes of his behaviour now, see if I do still love him and can be with him. Maybe it will work out, maybe one day i'll throw his stuff onto the street. I know i am closer to the latter now, and do feel able to do it when the time comes.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 17/04/2007 13:52

don't make the house spotless, go out and enjoy yourselves! i think he's got a cheek swanning off and then expecting you to make the house spotless for him.

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 14:18

I offered really - I know it would make him happy (well not grumpy anyway). Just my back is so bad and said i'd sort the nursery out aswell (which H has taken over as a wash room). At least if I get the main rooms done i'll be ok. They were spotless less than a week ago so is easy enough, just mess from last few days mounting up. I did tell him i'd dismatle the broken wardrobes aswell though...

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 14:22

Just off to put prescription in, isn't too far of a walk, now DS is up.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 17/04/2007 14:22

I did tell him i'd dismatle the broken wardrobes aswell though...

Sorry but is this for real? Spotless house?

Sorry but if this is all true then why on earth do you want this man? You say you are 20 - you have plenty of time to make a fresh start in life, before god forbid you fall pregnant to him again. You need to lose the weight of him around your neck. You are not responsible for him.

lulumama · 17/04/2007 14:38

he swans off on holiday, and you have to clean house and dismantle the wardrobes

give me strength....

quootie.....please, for DS, change your mind

beegee · 17/04/2007 15:31

Hi QP. Hope you're ok - just popped on here to say 'hello' really.

I do hope hope you're NOT dismantling any wardrobes?? That sounds awful...and something you shouldn't be tackling. That's H's job frankly. Didn't he object when you said you'd do it? It's inhumane to expect so much from you after all he's done. I'd struggle to dismantle wardrobes and I'm as fit as a fiddle. You've enough going on with looking after yourself and DS.

Makes me fume. xxx

SmileysPeoples · 17/04/2007 15:35

Quootie this is ludricrous.

Hdiappears leaving his wife and child (for the umteenth time), his wife is beside herself and wants thier son taken into care and is suicidal.

and you are promising him things to amke him happy??

Why did he not return immediately when he knew the state you were in? when you couldn't cope with DS?

Why are you not asking yourself these questions?

What has he promised you to make up for his beahviour (if anything could)

You are being a doormat and he will continue to wipe his feet on you.

His text saying he loved you, is part of the abuse. Treat you like shit, but give you just enough occasional affection to keep you hoping and hanging on.

I cannot imagine what has happened to you in your life that would make you think that this is Ok, normal or acceptable. It's none of these.

It's abusive, destructive, manipulative and down right nasty.

I think he needs help, I think you need help and I think you need to be separate from each other for a good long while if not forever.

I feel so sad for your DS that you are putting hin through this instead of putting him first.

You are staying because you are scared, not because it's best for DS. It is the worst decision for DS.

I'm sorry Quootie, I know this is harsh and that essentially you are a good person, but as I said before, how bad does it have to be?

What are you waiting for to happen before you will take back the control? I'm frightened to imagine.

What could be worse than sking to have your son taken away?

get mad with yourself, for allowing this, get angry with him. Decide to be a strong person.

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:36

Well, I offered to do the wardrobes aswell, they are annoying the hell out of me, not him. He couldn't care if they stayed or not. Just got back from getting my ADs, and stopped at the swings aswell. Will likely leave the wardrobes as I am abit knackered now And to be fair, he didn't ask me to do any of what I said, I said I would, because it will more than likely make all the difference to him.

OP posts:
lulumama · 17/04/2007 15:38

and what is he doing to please you and make the difference to you

and is he going to stop you taking the ADs again

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:40

Why did he not return immediately when he knew the state you were in? when you couldn't cope with DS? He doesn't care what state I am in, I guess because I have been suicidal before but only attempted it a handful of times. I guess he thinks I am calling his bluff? SS did talk to him, and apparantly he said he would take DS if I couldn't cope

Why are you not asking yourself these questions? I am, I know the answers. And he will have wonderful answers if any of you asked him, and no doubt he will be the victim in it all - having to put up with a depressed ("lazy") wife, got to the end of his tether, not even allowed to go to his aunts for a few days, dad just died, no one understands etc. etc.

What has he promised you to make up for his beahviour (if anything could)

Like last time, he wasn't in the wrong. I have to look at why he leaves apparently. He will not apologise, and I am the one with making up to do.

OP posts:
beegee · 17/04/2007 15:40

well done stopping at the swings! Did it feel good? Did DS enjoy it?

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:42

He won't because I know I can get them myself now. I have build a tiny bit of independance this time round.

He won't do anything to please me. Yeah, he will stay IF I don't talk about his parents, money, keep the kitchen clean and just generally be a wife. THEN he will be nice and stay.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:42

Nearly kept on past them as I was getting abit hot, but I made myself stop DS loved them.

OP posts:
October · 17/04/2007 15:45

Message withdrawn

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:46

I wonder if he posted on here (hypothetically (sp?)) whether you would think the same. Because he always has me apologising over and over, beating myself up how awful a wife I am to him...

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 15:47

Beegee, if you're there still come on MSN a sec I need to ask you something x thanks x

OP posts:
October · 17/04/2007 15:48

Message withdrawn

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2007 15:48

Don't let him be the one to call all the shots, QP.
I know you are desparate for your relationship to work, but letting him feel you would do anything to make him stay isn't the answer. Let him know that you can cope without him!

Well done for getting out & getting the ADs.

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2007 15:50

QP - my H was just the same re making me feel like I was always to blame etc, and 9 times out of 10 I believed it too.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.