Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

i know Beegee...and QP is very lucky to have you in her RL

not a question of not wanting to support QP, but none of us can make the decision for her, think i have offered lots of support and not just on this thread...but it reaches a point at which you have to stand back and let the OP make their own way..

makes me feel sad nonetheless, that a bright, vibrant young woman is potentially wasting the best years of her life

BTW - I think the advice you give lulu is great - I'm always interested in reading your posts! I think we're singing from the same songsheet on the whole - la la la

I agree lulu...

I think she will come out of all this though...it just may take time.

Her DS is gorgeous - very happy and relaxed actually. It's not affecting him now but I agree, it will start to affect him as he gets older. I know my DS (3 yo) would be all over the place.

well said, Blu - keep going QP!

QP you said this "he text "im off for an early night so please sleep well and ill be home soon i love you x x" - How can I not just glow with happiness at that?"

Here's how:

1. he's abandoned you
2. he's abandoned you repeatedly
3. he'll abandon you again
4. he abandoned his child
5. again
6. he makes you utterly miserable
7. he's self-centered enough to think only of himself no matter what the situation
8. he stopped you taking medicine you obviously need for selfish reasons

Ask yourself seriously if all the tiny happy moments are worth all the waiting and watching and wondering and fear and loneliness that you have to go through for them. Whats another 6 months? from the sound of it, and based on YOUR description another 6 months is 25 week, 5 days of misery and 2 days of potential happiness. Thats not how life is meant to be.

I'm afraid its time to either put up and shut up or get your act together and get him out for good.

I've been wondering this.

Where did it all go wrong for you QP, what events started all this off?. Something happened. You were happy once, what happened to that happy person you undoubtedly once were?. It seems that you've gone from one previously abusive relationship when you were still in your teenage years into yet another abusive one in which you now have a child.

Cognitive behavioural therapy for your own self may be helpful to "unlearn" destructive relationship patterns, patterns that you are living out daily. The effect on your child is incalculable if you do not do anything but if you do decide to move your own self forward (and you need to take that leap of faith yourself to do it) it will help him as much as your own self.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching your son?. Damaging lessons are being imparted here particularly by his father.

hey quootie, you ok today, i would suggest you ring womans aid and talk through options with them, would you benefit from the freedom programme or could they help you in another way? its not just for dv victims, i thinkthere atre some control and power issues within your relationship that could be addressed better, and womans aid will know how to help you regain your strenght.

0118 950 4003

Quootie you talk about what you need: someone to be there for you, etc.
but what about what DS needs??

If you take Dh back, will your DS be faced with another night like friday? with a mother who wants him taken away and feels suicidal??

He is too young to know right now but very very soon he won't be.

Do you want this life of calm-trauma-calm-truama to be played out before him? That is what you are doing.

Your Dh is a complete uselesss shit as a fathera and husband.

No he's worse than useless he's postively damaging and toxic.

But you allow him to do this and by letting him back you are allowing him to continue doing it, to you and worse to DS.

You are not a child now Quootie. Yes you're young but you're not a child. You are a mother and you have to make some adult decisions about what is best for him and you.

Why would it/will it change Quootie? there is no reason for him to change.

You have to make the change and break this cycle of destruction.

Put your DS first. Is this the family you want for him? Is this the toddlerhood you want him to have?

Think about it.

You wanted your DS taken away.

Really think about that.

That is how bad and useless this man has made you feel. Do you really want to wait until the point where he really does have to be taken away? and remeber he will go to MIL.

How bad does it have to be QP??

I think alot of you. You come across as bright (except on this issue) and very caring.

But you do need to wake up and take some responsibility.

said with the best of intentions

Good Luck Quootie.

fantastic post

well said, SP

this man brought you to the point of asking for your son to be taken away, but you need to really look hard at yourself too.....

you are bright, intelligent, eloquent, maternal and caring

but you need to be STRONG , if not for yourself , but for DS.....

hope you are sorting things out for you and DS x

I have been reading all these but I am abit tired so cannot really take in alot at mo. I will be better taking my time when DS goes to bed, just dithering about abit today. Maybe taking the "put up or shut up" post abit literally, no idea what to say anymore.

well, you are not obliged to tell us how you are feeling! but i guess we all want to know you are hanging on in there

well, you are not obliged to tell us how you are feeling! but i guess we all want to know you are hanging on in there

Hope you're ok, QP. I will post properly when my DS's are in bed, but just wanted to let you know I am still thinking of you.x

oh, I feel really bad now - meant to pop in earlier and at least say a quick hello, but been a little busy then I just forget! I went out for the first time today alone with DS

Well done for getting out, QP!

Wow, reading through this QP I'm so amazed to see such support again on MN. I think you'd be mad not to take some of it on board.

And you're very lucky with your RL friend beegee - how do you two know each other? Did you meet on MN?

I am taking it on board, just am not ready to throw away the relationship just yet. Beegee and I met on MN

You seem very close, like you've known each other for years!

I've made some good friends on MN too.

Only met a handful of times, guess first met about Feb

Taking DS out is the best reason for not being on MN! Good for you for going on your own - brilliant.

Was today your Ds's injections?

no, next Mon. Thought it was today, but it's next mon.

so you had a nice day out with DS - better and better!

You don't have to throw away the relationship, QP. Ending your relationship is a huge thing & I know how hard it is to desparately want your marriage to work so to avoid taking that huge step.
I remember posting on here two years back & sitting at my PC crying & crying because I was being strongly advised to leave my husband & I just couldn't do it at that stage. I didn't reach the stage where I was strong enough to end my marriage for another 2 years, but posting on here made me realise that there were big problems, and step by step I began adressing them.
I started by confiding in my HV (could you talk to yours?), who visited me regulary & informed me of Freedom Training courses in my area. She also arranged for me to have some counselling & I urged H to do the same (which he eventually did), and it wasn't until I had tried all these things & realised nothing had really changed, that I knew I had to call it a day.
H also knew throughout all this that I was not prepared to keep on putting up with his temper problems & that if things continued the way they were, I would leave him.
I wouldn't let him feel he had a total hold over me or that he could get away with treating me the way he did, even though it took me so long to actually make the decision to end the marriage.

I am waffling on here, but what I'm trying to say is you don't have to look at ending your marriage, but do start looking at ways to help yourself & your relationship.
Don't let your H feel he can treat you like a piece of rubbish & just get away with it either, because you're worth more than that.x

Good post, pc. Fab that you went out with ds, QP. Well done indeed. Do it again tomorrow! And maybe get back on the anti depressants too, if you haven't already.

Hi Quootie great that you got out again today with your son.
You should aim to do that each day if you can.

Did you get a prescription for ADs today?

How did you get on calling the benefit people or CAB to find out what you're entitled to if you're to be a lone parent?

You may find that you can get incapacity or income support.
Also housing and council tax benefit.
Child tax credit and child benefit.

From what you've said about how your partner leaves you with no cash, you'll be loads better off without him as far as finances are concerned.