Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

Quootie You were sounding a whole lot stronger today.
And at one point you were even angry with this loser.
But now it sounds like you're thinking about him coming back!

WHY????

Try writing a list of pros and cons of this idiot, and i bet if you're totally honest with yourself when you do this, that one list will be so much longer than the other.

You said you'll along the lines of, you'll end the relationship when you're ready!!!!

Surely him walking out the way he did told you that he was ending the relationship?

As for texting you to say he loves you and is having an early night!

That is just so pathetic.

Who's he having an early night with???

Doesn't want his phone to disturb him!!!

I'm sorry but any man who walks out on a partner and child in the way he did, and to get you to the point of suicide and giving your child up, is not worth taking back.

He's not even worth thinking about.

Sell his stuff or drop it at his mothers.

You said he left his key, so he won't get back in unless you allow it.

I still don't understand why he needs a £500 phone?

If that was my bloke i'd get his flipping phone disconnected.

Cancel the payment for it, especially if that comes out of your account!!

And to go on a holiday is unbelievable!!!

Sorry for the rant but men like this are let off far too easy and they make me so angry.

hey all - don't feel all advice has fallen on deaf ears.

We can't 'fix' QP's situation for her. She has to leave her (D)H for herself - not cos we all tell her to. We can't have our past experiences resolved for us through her. Understandably, we don't want her involving herself in the very mistakes we were involving ourselves in. But, she has to walk her own walk - and take her time with her decision.

I know her in RL (and her H for that matter). She is listening and absorbing all the advice and support given here.

He is an arse - but he's not evil, BTW. He comes across as a quiet, pleasant man, actually. It's his actions that are inexcusable.

Sorry - I was responding to Lou's post mainly.

ooh my eyes r all blurry, that took a while to get thru! QUOOTIE HOPE UR COOL! im a single mum and my ex left about a year ago, called on xmas day tho! i know he'll be back cos thats his style, my ds is 2 and half! im 25, but i pray for him not to, cos it took a long time to get my life back on track! I dont drive, but i know berks is near heathrow, and im in ealing can get train down to you, we can go for lunch or sumt if u want?

U need a holiday babe, and if ur h has left u2 and fuckd of to margate or hwrvr the CUNT IS! then u need to sell his shit in cash converters and treat ur self!

He will only come back if u let him in, i know how hard it is, and i still love my ex, even though he has gone awol may times!

Also i would suggest u get some confidence back, u need to go out with ur m8s or with me, and get mashed! I was so suicidal the past few weks, have been on ad's b4 but took myself of them, it lifts!

AND PLEASE DO NOT MAKE UR SELF A CLEANING ROTA, IF NE1 COMES ROUND SHOVE IT ALL OUT OF SITE, AND DO IT WHEN UR READY! LOOKING AFTER A CHILD IS HARD WORK, ESP WHEN OTHER SHIT IS HAPPN! CLEAN WHEN U CAN! I DO, AND MY FLAT IS ALLWAYS TIDY, WHEN I HAVE THE NRG TO DO IT!

AND PLS GO BACK TO UR STUDIES! I put my ds into nursery when he was one, and im finishing my 2nd yr at uni in a few months! Its hard work but u need sumt else to focus on! I mentor 15 year olds too, and i got one a brochure for the college in surrey that does equestine studies, GO BACK!

u CAN DO IT, BE STRONG FOR UR DS BUT TAKE CARE OF U2! Cry until yuo cant cry ne more!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you have good mns around!

hows she doing beegee? can i geta train down 2 her? know she wont want me there, but the offers available! know bout hour half away!

excellent advice from Blu and Scummy. QP - push for whatever drugs/psychological treatment to get you independent again.

Beegee -you are a very wise and lovely friend .

Hard to read the longer posts at mo. srry, but wanted to say I did want to leave, but now I am back to being unsure. I am not making aything up, I mean it's not entertainment for me sitting here. I am being honest for you lot, and for myself to make sure I get appropriate advice and you lot aren't wasting your time for example making plans for me leaving him when I am unsure now. I was so angry earlier, I did want to just throw everything of his out, but that was a burst of anger. It wasn't "oh, ill pretend I am angry now...". I do not mind if people are blunt, but I do care if people think I am not being totally honest and people feel they have wasted any time. I will be printing this all off to read and re-read. It's not just a passing whim that I started this thread, and I really am listeneing to everything, even all the blunt stuff. Just wanted you all to know you have been tremendous and maybe, well, instead of convincing me to leave, it's 2nd best that I may be a stringer person inside the relationship. I may have been alot weaker if it wasn't for this thread. And I am still keeping an open mind, I still am thinking seriously, not just out of anger or whatever, about finishing it all. Thankyou xxxxx

i typed a reply to beegee, but tbh now i cant be arsed

Am going to bed now, just incase anyone posts and thinks maybe I am ignoring them. Will read some of the other posts in morning when I am more alert. Thanks again everyone x xx x xx

Thanks Blu

I'm really sorry lou, but, you're advice has been great, please don't feel like I have taken you for a ride or anything because I am so unsure of what to do xx

Lou - sorry you can't be arsed - sounds like it's all getting to you too much. I'm not intending on being controversial or antagonistic - just I know QP in RL. She's a one in a million type person. And she's very bright - she takes on all of this and has listened to all you've said.

Hi Chocablock - she's fine, thanks. Bit tired right now, but she's a very strong woman. (she under-estimates herself)

She's very shy at meeting new people, but she will keep reading posts and, with encouragement, might begin meeting people.

Thanks x

Hey Lou - I live in Surrey too.

i don't know qp in rl but we have had many many msn conversations and i almost feel like i do. i think she is like me in some ways although i've never had a dp who repeatedly left i did have one who didn't treat me that great.

all my friends could see it but i would just excuse it and go back to him. if he hadn't got a new gf i probably still would.

anyway me and them had many arguements over it many of them "giving up" on me, but the way i see it people can tell you not to make the same mistakes they did which is all very good in hindsight but at the end of the day even though nobody likes making mistakes i do think that people need to be allowed to make their own and find out for themselves what is best for them.

some of you talk about her ds being unhappy, but he is at such a young age i doubt it will severely be affecting him. its not like he sees violence and swearing etc. yes he will be missing his daddy, but thats not the end of the world and from what qp has said he is absolutely fine.

her dh didn't take her debit card he already had it. as qp mentioned further down she finds it difficult to go out alone, so her dh uses it to buy things for them. if he has been using it whilst on his little holiday yes this is wrong and stealing though. if she has said that this has happened i missed it - the threads so long now i can't keep up!! however i can't believe anyone would be so irresponsible as to spend money needed for bills on a bloody phone

maybe the counsellin will help? to me it looks like he is looking for excuses to leave. nobody goes off like that over an msn conversation. but this also makes me think their are underlying issues and the real reasons he keeps going need to be gotten to the bottom of. it could be something that they could work at together to resolve. it could also just be that it's suddenly hit him that he's only 24 and he's got a wife and a baby and he's not ready and he feels trapped. if that's the case then hard luck mate and he should be gotten rid of asap.

i know some of you will think, oh look we've got another deluded cow, but i know more to this story than just this thread and i think if it was me i'd want to try the relate counselling too to see if things could be worked out. it's hard throwing a marriage away if you think there might be something that you could do to fix it.

I think he is a bit sly with regards to money nappy addict, he knew he was going (qp says he took watches etc) but didnt leave her money or her own card so she had to rely on beegee for electrICITY? last time she had no formula so he posted it trough the door and ran.

qp, hows it going today?

I think he is a bit sly with regards to money nappy addict, he knew he was going (qp says he took watches etc) but didnt leave her money or her own card so she had to rely on beegee for electrICITY? last time she had no formula so he posted it trough the door and ran.

qp, hows it going today?

i can understand where lou is coming from...

i don;t think Quootie is making this up, or having people on, i genuinely believe that she is in this situation

what is frustrating is the same advice being offered over and over, and feel like Quootie is actually starting to realsie the H is actually as bad we all think he is...and then , wham! she wants him back

also, this is probably the 3rd time that QP has been in this situation and shared it with MN

when people have shared horrible personal situations , and their own experiences of abusive relationships or severe depression ,it feels as though those experiences are being dismissed

at the end of the day, QP asked for advice 'left again, what do i do?' and 800 posts or so later, she is back to square one

upsetting and frustrating, especially for those on the outside, who can see , quite plainly, that this will end, and end badly

QP is dependent on H in various ways including money. She has no income of her own. H leaves without QP knowing if her and DS are going to be provided for or not....sometimes he leaves her the odd £20 for example, another time he surprised her by giving £200 cash so she could get DS birthday presents, other times he leaves her with nothing and this time told her 'to sort it out herself'. ???

He takes all control of their money as far as I can see. And is devious with it, I'm afraid.

Sorry QP - you may disagree.

Good morning, QP.
Is it worth asking Littleducks for the details ofr the Freedom Training she knows about? Anyway, maybe the Mental health team will help you with some apprpriate support - maybe the approach the very clever and informed Scummy mentioned? Wanting to help yourself in any small way is a HUGE leap!

QP - I think you have been very open and honest on this thread, and it is hugely to your credit and your future that you are aware of your tendency to do anything for some affection, and how vulnerable that makes you.

I believe Beegee when she says you are strong inside...and somehow you will get the appropriate help and support to make your situation better. Magic will never intervene - but miracles can occur if you make them.

Oh yuk, i'm beginning to sound like a bad new age calendar, now!

have a good day.

XXXXXX

lulumama - she's not back to square one - she's learning all the time - she's only 20yo - hate to think what I was still learning at 30...let alone 20.

She will make plenty more mistakes in life...as we all do.

She hasn't many friends in RL and her family aren't very supportive. Yes, she is playing out her relationship on here as she hasn't much contact with anyone...

Can I suggest if posters are finding it frustrating it maybe that they can't offer any more advice right now and it would be best to leave it be?

I do know she is grateful for all so far.

Having said that - I actually do share your frustration, Lulu - I wish she'd kick the twurp out of her life forever...

Lulumama - if you (and others) don't want to support QP, that is fair enough. But MH and domestic violence professionals (for e.g) recognise that women take a long time to absorb help and a change of perspective. it isn't QP's fault if she is any different. I'm not confident that any advice I give anywhere has the ability to make someone turn on a sixpence , nor do I feel that they should be obliged to.

It sounds to me as if QP has made a small step fprward over this latest crisis...keep going, QP!

no, i know Beegee...just looking at this from all angles ! i don;t know what else to say really, i have given as much advice as i think i can , as i feel i am endlessly going in circles,

this is not just about Quootie, there is her DS to think about too,and it must be upsetting for him , for his daddy to be here one day, gone the next , and as he gets older it will become more distressing

it is good that QUootie recognises that she is emotionally vunerable, that she will cling onto any bit of affection, but she has to take that knowledge and do soemthing with it

H stoppped her taking ADs, i really think that if he is back in her life, he will stop her seeking any help that will allow her to get strong..that is a really dangerous thing IMO