Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

he text "im off for an early night so please sleep well and ill be home soon i love you x x" - How can I not just glow with happiness at that It made my day

he is a fucker
youa re being stupid
i am osrry but no mroe patience here

fucks sake

he thinks nothing has changed, that he is welcome back

he thinks that this i s a loving relationship, a way to show his wife , the mother of his child ,that he loves her

fucking hell

and i am so not a sweary person on here

it took me 6 years to leave my ex. my god how i look back at those wasted years. you will do the same quootie. take your son and run. there is a fantastic future out there for you and you aren't allowing yourself to go out and get it.

I don't think QP will stay in this forever - I'm on her back most of the time telling her what I think and tutting at (d)h's behaviour!

well, literally speaking I am funny in the head. I am so pleased when I get snippets of affection, the rest just melts away. That isn't normal, not one bit. But it's normal to me at the moment because of all the crap of the last 5 years. 4 years ago, yes, I would be who you think I can be now, just walk, but all those years... I can see a glimmer of happiness with H, I just see loneliness, dispair, just nothing on my own. I have never been an adult "alone", I do not know how. I know there is no art to it, but, I am so used to being part of a pair. Maybe couselling will sort my head and my heart will follow

you know it is not normal to live like this

you see only lonliness without him

how are you not lonely with him, when yiou don;t know from day to day , if he is going to be there

he stopped you taking ADs

he got you to a point you cannot go out alone or make a phoen call

and you think he will let you have counselling, when he knows full well, when you are better , he is history

not a chance

I am lonely with him, incredibly. But there is moment I am not, and alone, there will be nothing. I am not saying I will forgive him just to have someone there.

What if you stop being a stupid little girl, grow up stand on your own two feet and get this shitbag out of your life????

What if you stop looking for your mummy to hold your hand and be a mother to your own child?

What if you stop being so bloody ME ME ME and think of your child?

What if you listen to the VERY good advice you have been given take some of the help you have been offered, get off your backside and stop living your life through a sham marriage to a man who is more then likley fucking any other woman he meets

WHAT IF......

he doesnt care if he is history, not one bit. He WANTS to be on his own. Just part of him wants this life, and that keeps dragging him back.

you are lonelyWITH him?
oh fgs qootie stop being a poof

then get a puppy, quootie, that will keep you company and not treat you like this

ffs, what is so wrong that you will take him back, so you are not alone

QP, 6-12 months is a long time in your ds's life.

um thats a bit harsh, babblefish

but qp could it be true?

stop letting him walk all over you and if your worried bout postings both his and ds names are on this thread....might need to delete before he appears

QP - I know that it does take people a very very long time to gather the strength to leave abusive relationships, and I do not thnk women are to blame for that. The very dynamic of abuse means that you stay in a relationship that a non-abused woman would not tolerate.

He is abusing you emotionally, psychology and economically.

I think getting some counselling for yourself is a very very good idea. IMO you can't be expected to pick yourself up and walk away from man who has been systematically breaking your legs without a crutch of some kind.

The problem is that if you on't get a crutch, this man will leave you, and you will be lying on the ground for some truly low-life jackal to come and find - and you will end up in an even more abusive relationship. Sorry - but that is the reality for a lotof women who wit to be rescued. You are intelligent - i know you will understand that.

So...go to your GP and explain what has gone on this last few days - including the fact that on Fri night you felt you had no choice but to look for alternative care fr a child you were desparate enough to consider making motherless. Or tell that to the Crisis team. But tell them you wnat the help to rebuild your self-esteem and courage and that you wnat to recover from abuse and the neediness that enables it.

afaik, Relate will not see you as a couple if they believe the relationship is abusive. But they will see you alone.
maybe you could find out if your local SS runs a 'Freedom training' course for women who have been in abusive relationships (it includes emotional abuse) - maybe your HV would know that?? Maybe you could call Women's Aid and find out if there is a course like that in your area or if they run something similiar?

Start to identify help now, as much as you can, before Wednesday - so that you already have the beginnings of a crutch which is not him.

I know people often don't feel strong enough to go when others would...but you can start to identify help. Not just over whether this man stays in your life or not, but for yourself, to find the strength and enjoyment you can have in life irrespective of ANY relationship.

Good luck, QP - you are worth anything that good luck blows your way - but the good things you go out and seek for yourself will be worth even more.

Take 'this life' away from him then - so he has to fight to get it back - and come on holiday with me!!

And, do take the ADs.

lulu i think thats a great idea, reason to go out every day, affectionate and company!

and i dont really like dogs

i know there is a 'freedom' course run by east berkshire womens aid, can find venue for you

QP - I think you should just print what Blu just posted and put it somewhere important for you to read regularly...great advice.

Yes, Blu is a star, she has helped me loads over the last couple of years!
Do talk to your HV if you can, QP. My HV helped me out so much & still is!

excellent post from Blu

so you are taking him back and everything we said was pointless then?

i might sound harsh here, but i am thinking you never had any intention of leaving him in the first place , now

i'm done on this thread

I've just read this thread. Sorry you are having such a very tough time, QP. I agree very much with blu. Your situation obviously feels very overwhelming and I think that in the first instance you probably need to concentrate on improving your health, especially if leaving your husband doesn't really feel like an option to you yet. You are not alone in that. Many many women go through long cycles of being ill treated, splitting, getting back together, being ill treated etc etc etc before they feel able to make a permanent break. If you don't feel you can leave at least give yourself the best chance of feeling a bit better within your current arrangement. As 2 first baby steps, start taking your anti-depressants and get out of the house with your baby at least once a day. Next get yourself on the list for some counselling and sort out your money so that you have some control when he is not around. I think something like Cognitive Analytic Therapy might really help and it is something your mental health team should know about, i would guess. Even if you cannot split from your husband right now, try not let him deter you from these steps.

On another note, ringing social services to say you want your son to be put into care permanently could have very long term repercussions for you and him. If social services ajudged that you were not capable of caring for him (and you asking for him to be removed could be evidence enough in certain circumstances) you could have a protracted period away from him, even if you later changed your mind. In the first instance social services will always look for kinship carers, so the chances of him going to your mother-in-law are very high.

I hope you continue to feel a bit more positive, whatever you decide. Take care of yourself and your son, QP.