Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

Quootiepie,

I haven't posted on your thread as you had lots of support and advice.

What's the worse that could happen if you were to pack him a bag and tell him that you need time to think as to whether you want to continue with his coming and going leaving you and your son with nothing.

It may be if you turn the tables with on him so he is not making the decisions about your life, he may be shocked into sorting himself out.

glad people are saying what I say all the time to you, QP!

He's an immature tosser - and he won't change - or it will take 10 yrs for him to do so!

And BTW - you are strong. Look what you achieved on your DS's birthday after he'd left that time. You were amazing.

you know it makes sense!

it's the what ifs. What if I asked him to leave and he would have changed? What if we had just managed to get to relate etc. What if I had tried that bit harder, then I could say I honestly tried everything. I am so scared of not following my heart now, I almost make a point of doing so. I need counselling for that and maybe something will click in me that would have clicked in all of you.

Surely he has to mature sometime?

quootie....he has had ample time to change

any man with a shred of decency would have realised his behaviour was out of order

IMHO, when he laid his hands on you, he broke the deal and the writing was on the wall

he won;t change, he has no reason to

what if you had kicked him out ages ago - would you be stronger, more confident?

what if you met a decent human being who treated you with much love and respect.

what if - this is the start of a fantastic - rest of your life?

what if you find out that you are a great person and that you dont need some little undermining fucker sapping your confidence to get his kicks - to depend on?

what if this time next year your happy.

here here Kimi and Lulumama!

BTW - it toak me about 3 yrs to leave someone who was a total arse once. I do think it does take many attempts actually, so please don't be disheartened by thinking - oh no, I've been left again....oh, I've taken him back AGAIN. etc I know posters are saying here that their sympathy will run out (and I understand that - my RL friends got v frustrated with me when patterns were repeating themselves) but I think everytime an incident like this happens you get a bit stronger/worn down and one day 'snap' - you won't want him anymore.

A long way of saying - I won't judge you - I'll be here when it happens again - COS IT WILL!

(he'll only change once you do)

what if he carries on treating you like this

what if he beats you badly and puts you in hospital

what if you get pregnant and then get left with 2 or more children

he has a child, he should have started maturing when you got pregnant

beegee, i hear what you are saying, but for as long as i have 'known' QP, she has had the same issues with DP, how long can it go on for?!>!?

QP, I know how hard the head v heart thing is, really I do! Anyone who has followed any of my relationship traumas on here will know that it took me a long time to get the strength to finally end my marriage, so I am far from strong.
My H never walked out on me though & I never allowed him to feel I couldn't cope without him, because I knew that I would find a way.
I wanted things to get better & he would beg me to give him another chance, but I made it clear that I would leave if there was no change & sadly that change never happened, so I am now about to a new house without my husband & I am pretty scared, but I believe that this is the right thing to do. You only get one life & you don't want to spend it struggling & unhappy.

I know it's hard, but please don't let this jerk walk all over you.

well said, Custy

What if you had never met him?
What if he got hit by a bus tomorrow?
What if you wake up to the fact you dont need him?
What if you have cornflakes for breakfast not weetabix?
What if it rains on Monday?
What if you stay with him and waist the rest of your life?
What if you take him back and he goes off again?
What if he get someone else pregnant?

YOU CAN'T LIVE FOR WHAT IF.

Should say move to a new house without my husband!

what custy said

WHAT IF YOU TELL HIM TO PISS OFF, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, MEET SOMEONE GREAT AND NORMAL AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.
WHAT IF YOU DO THAT QP????????????????????????

He hasn't laid a finger on me before or since, I do not think he is like that, but I will not deny emotional abuse to some extent. I hope one day I do snap, but I cannot make myself snap. I mean, I am 20, whats another 6-12 months? For piece of mind. Who knows, one day I may meet someone else and just leave him. Or we do work out. Deep down I know I will not put up with this forever, but it took another man to make me leave my abusive ex (not an affair!). Maybe one day ill change the locks when he is gone, but it'll be when I am ready to end it. I do not feel I am yet. The one thing I am scared of though is I would still be with my ex now if it wasn't for the other person, because I do kinda cling on.

QP - just logged on again to see you're still struggling with your "head vs heart" issue I can see why you struggle, I really can. Most of us, if not all of us, have been in a situation where we are so in love with someone we can't really imagine our lives without them.

BUT I do think the decision has been made for you. Read your thread title - "serial leaver" - it says it all. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but he really doesn't want to be with you. No matter how spotless your house, how happy your DS, how much you let him control you, how you let him get away with being violent to you, how understanding you have been about his bereavement. He has still run away.

I think if you really love him (cliche alert) let him go. He's run away because he can't cope. He's left because he can't get his head around his responsibilities - to his wife and to his son.

Once you let him go, you can start to love yourself. You don't deserve this - you're incredibly brave and stronger than you know. You won't be able to get a chance to prove it to yourself or to him until you make that break. You've already proven to us that you're not as much as a coward as he is - you've struggled with caring for DS this weekend as well as yourself. You're a star and don't let anyone (toxic MIL included) let you think otherwise xx

lulu - i honestly think it can take a while with some.

I'm a strong minded woman who got caught up in a destructive relationship. I put it down to 'love' as to the reason why I couldn't leave him. It toak MANY attempts, unfortunately...but, I finally did it. Awful at the time - but fantastic now - I'm so happy and it now feels like I was in a different lifetime.

Can't believe it toak me so long.

QP's very very young (sorry QP) She's never been in a positive relationship to know what to expect. I'm not that surprised patterns keep repeating themselves, that's all I'm saying.

I do think it's frustrating when you're not 'walking someones walk'. To us he's obviously 'x' - to her he's 'y'. She's in 'love' with him.

y Quootiepie on Sun 15-Apr-07 21:54:41
He hasn't laid a finger on me before or since, I do not think he is like that,

he put his hands on you, he is like that

but I will not deny emotional abuse to some extent.

to some extent !!!

sorry, you are in absolute denial

I hope one day I do snap, but I cannot make myself snap. I mean, I am 20, whats another 6-12 months? For piece of mind.

what is another 6- 12 months ! a long time to live like this, look at in terms of the nexty 50 to 60 years, as that is what life with him will be like

Who knows, one day I may meet someone else and just leave him.

you won;t meet someone else, not while he is in your life as he keeps you too weak and needy to beleive you are worth anything to anyone

Or we do work out. Deep down I know I will not put up with this forever, but it took another man to make me leave my abusive ex (not an affair!).

you are used to abuse, it is not normal

Maybe one day ill change the locks when he is gone, but it'll be when I am ready to end it. I do not feel I am yet. The one thing I am scared of though is I would still be with my ex now if it wasn't for the other person, because I do kinda cling on.

well, i guess you have made your decision

how very sad

i know beegee, but it is glaringly obvious that he is not going to change, i am sorry that i come across as impatient, and maybe too harsh, but at 20, she could be locked into this for ever ! and that is it, too to contemplate

see, to me there hasn't been a problem for 3 years, there has been a problem for 3 days. I see it all on it's own, each thing as it's own thing. I can't tally it all up in my head and judge him by that, because we have been ok inbetween. To me, it's like he's left for the first time and I am contemplating forgiving him and trying again.

Peace of Mind????

You call this peace of mind, that you are afraid to make phone calls or to go out and rely him on this arsewipe, he leaves you every month or two, and you end up a nervous wreck phoning the crisis team?

you need to take a long term view!

all the other times he left, all the other things he said, that were nasty and hurftul

and the fact you recognise him as a serial leaver

By Quootiepie on Sun 15-Apr-07 21:54:41
He hasn't laid a finger on me before or since, I do not think he is like that, but I will not deny emotional abuse to some extent. I hope one day I do snap, but I cannot make myself snap. I mean, I am 20, whats another 6-12 months? For piece of mind. Who knows, one day I may meet someone else and just leave him. Or we do work out. Deep down I know I will not put up with this forever, but it took another man to make me leave my abusive ex (not an affair!). Maybe one day ill change the locks when he is gone, but it'll be when I am ready to end it. I do not feel I am yet. The one thing I am scared of though is I would still be with my ex now if it wasn't for the other person, because I do kinda cling on.

FFS I give up I do I just give up

If he has hit you once that should be once to many.
Abusive to some extent!! does he have to fuck your mother over the kitchen table in front of you before you realise just HOW disrespectful and abusive he is.

Deep down you know (and we all know) you will put up with it for the rest of your life.

Another 6 to 12 months is enough time for him to mess up your head a bit more, and hay ho your child can have another 6/12 months of living in a unhappy madhouse.

And as for cling on, Well I know there is a startrec joke to be had but I cant find anything funny here except the fact you must be funny in the head to put up with it..

KIMI has left the building!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly - you said it - 'serial leaver' - you know what he's like - you're just lieing to yourself so it's ok for you to take him back.