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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
lou33 · 15/04/2007 19:48

how old is he?

SmileysPeoples · 15/04/2007 19:49

Yes, good idea. Remove all his stuff fron the house before he returns. Drop it briefly at MIL, without engaing in any converastion, then he does not have an excuse to 'have to come around'.

Make it very clear he is not welcome, wanted or needed.

Ponce · 15/04/2007 19:49

WHY is htis STILL going on?

what are you still wiht him?
im osryr nbut it htink this threa is meerely perpetuating it

Pinkchampagne · 15/04/2007 19:50

Think he is around 24 from what I remember, lou.

SmileysPeoples · 15/04/2007 19:52

Yes I agree. You have lost all self respect.Anyone with any self respect would not tolerste this behaviour for a minute.

Start to take it back.

If you can cope without him when he buggers off on a whim, you can cope without him at all.

You just need to get the money situation sorted and you can do that.

You will be SO much happier in the long run.

Ponce · 15/04/2007 19:52

yes bin him fgs
eh si a shithead

nappyaddict · 15/04/2007 20:00

i am glad things are back on track hope things with relate go well and that he keeps to his word.

Blu · 15/04/2007 20:02

Hay, QP, I like your '(he say's)' if it means 'but I think differently'!!!

What a prize tosser - how could he do that to you?

Listen, you have the Crisis Team name and number, you have a load of good MN-ers looking out for you with lots of offers o help - together with all those people, you will be ok.

Is the TV stuck on one channel because the battery in the remote needs changing, do you think?

Blu · 15/04/2007 20:04

Taking your bank card, and spending £500 on a phone whole you struggle is truly abusive - you know that, don't you? And practically criminal, where the bank card is concerned.

How could he thieve food from his child??

kimi · 15/04/2007 21:06

QP your not going to like this but.......

He did not leave you over a msn convo, He left you AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN because HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

His family leave you to rot (my guess is) because he lies about you being a nagging needy person.

He has about as much respect for you as I do for a bit of dog poo,

He has done this AGAIN and AGAIN and he will keep doing it until you get some self respect and YOU put a stop to it.

I know we don't know you and I know its your life, BUT you seem like a nice person, you are doing your best to be a great mum, but every time you let this man back in to your life/home you are degrading yourself and your child more and more.

Please please get to your GP get to see a counceller YOU NOT BOTH OF YOU as if you live to be 100 you and your Husband are NEVER going to work or be happy.
I know you think you love him and can't like with out him but thats crap.... you cant live without everything but air and water, you just think you need him because he has made you weak and needy, now is the time YOU need to find that you can be strong.

lulumama · 15/04/2007 21:08

agree agree agree kimi

quootie..you are not seriously contemplating trying to rebuild a relationship with this waste of space are you?????

he does not want nor need to change, no amount of relate will cahnge that

he is violent

selfish

unpredictable

emotionally stunted

abandons you when you most need him

his family are toxic

he is an absent father half the time and a is poor example of how to be a man, to your DS

he steals the food out of his wife and child's mouths

he cannot communicate

sorry if that hurts you, but that is what he is, and you need to see that

lou33 · 15/04/2007 21:12

i agree too

Quootiepie · 15/04/2007 21:13

sorry, didnt realise there was all these posts. It's ok, I can handle blunt Will re-read them when I am abit more alert in a bit x

OP posts:
kimi · 15/04/2007 21:15

The only relationship you have with this person QP is one of abuse, pain, disrespect, and one that will drive you to putting your head in the gas oven or being carted off to the mad house....

WHY OH WHY OH WHY would you even think you want to "rebuild" this toxic and madness filled "relationship".

QP love, I know it will be hard but you have to let him go, in fact you have to make it clear to him HE IS NOT COMING BACK.

kimi · 15/04/2007 21:17

QP if you can't/won't get him out of your life for you do it for your child, before its too late.

I don't think I have ever wanted to shake someone as badly as I do right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pinkchampagne · 15/04/2007 21:18

I agree too I'm afraid. I know it's hard QP, but don't allow this toss pot to continue abusing you.

Quootiepie · 15/04/2007 21:19

I will get some couselling ALONE definatly. I am 50/50 right now because I love him so much, I know it sounds so weak. I wish I was any of you, you all sound so strong and at least have a backbone! I hate dragging this up on here again and again, I feel really pants for doing it but it's like a totally new "thing" everytime, only now when I am re-using a few weeks old thread I am realising there is a major pattern. I cannot become even a normal woman again overnight, I HAVE become needy and whatnot, but I cannot suddenly think"oh, stuff him" and get on with it. I am having more strong moments than not, but, I won't lie, I am very erm... not strong.

OP posts:
lulumama · 15/04/2007 21:21

50 50 to take him back

sorry quootie, but that is absolutely shocking

what does he have to do to make you realise what a shit he is

hit you again? force you to go without so he can buy a phone? tell you he doesn;t love you as much as his own mum??????????????

don;t betray yourself and ds by taking him back

if you do, you are doomed to a sad shitty life, always wondering when he will leave again, and running yourself into the ground trying to live up to his impossible expectations

not one single poster has said, oh give him another chance, does that not tell you something?????

lou33 · 15/04/2007 21:24

also, i think you will find people on here less sympathetic the next time he leaves, when you post about it

and he will do it again, i'd bet money on it

Quootiepie · 15/04/2007 21:25

I really really "get" all this, it's just head Vs. heart. Trust me , I am sitting here thinking "OR, shall I throw everything he owns out into a skip", it's a serious matter in my head. But I cannot say I will do that. I can see why you all want to scream at me

OP posts:
lou33 · 15/04/2007 21:27

a lot of us have been there too, we didnt just wake up and decide to end our marriages on a whim (tho my exh says i did lol)

we understand the head v heart thing, but my god that man has no heart

he treats you like shit

how can you love that?

lulumama · 15/04/2007 21:28

for the sake of your child

make this decision with your head

and i agree with lou, if you take him back, and then you are left again, which you will be , as he has left you multiple times, i guarantee you will get much shorter shrift from people...

not saying you should leave him to make us happy, but for the myriad of reasons that have been posted

and it is not just him, it is MIL too

kimi · 15/04/2007 21:28

Qp love I can assure you I'm not half as strong as a lot of people think, And I have had days where just getting out of bed was the biggest achievement of the day.

One thing I do know s that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

You know deep down you are worth more then this, you know you will not curl up and die with out him, you know that you need to learn to love and respect yourself, THEN AND ONLY THEN will you find someone to be with who will love and respect you.

Yes he is your child's father (and please believe me when I say I mean that in the loosest sence of the word,) BUT he needs to work out that theres more to it then parting with a bit of sperm .

You will get through it really you will.
Sort out the benefit, go to the CAB and change the locks.

custy · 15/04/2007 21:31

i'll bet my arse that once you are on your own 2 feet, strong, independant and proud of yourself for getting through the most difficult time in your life - he will want in your life.

however by that point, you wont want him. he is a terrible man.

kimi · 15/04/2007 21:34

QP love one thing I know s that mumsnet is a wonderful place for support but every time he goes and you take him back you will get less and less support.

If you hit your head off the wall and it hurt you would not keep doing it.

If you found that cheese gave you gutache you would stop eating it

YOU know this man is killing you so why oh why do you keep letting him??????

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