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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Pixiefish · 14/04/2007 10:56

Morning Qp. Hope you're feeling a little better today xx

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/04/2007 11:49

Just got back from the swings, was really nice to be outside. Crisis team rung and asked how I was, thats all thats happeneing really - they will ring later or tomorrow.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 14/04/2007 11:58

Hi QP

It's lovely to hear you talking so much more positive today. You had a lot of people worried last night. I hope you have turned a little corner and are now ready to move forward. We are all here for you

Have a lovely day with your little boy xx

jenk1 · 14/04/2007 12:57

QP, hello

I was severely depressed after both of my children were born and into their childhood with DS and up to 18months with DD.

I like you couldnt cope with cooking meals and used to get very stressed over the house not being cleaned.

Sometimes when i was really bad, we lived off sandwiches and soup and crips, the kids loved it-called it a picnic, sometimes i ordered take away, its ok to not prepare an Annabel whts her face meal for your kids, fruit works, i still cut up lots of fruit on a plate for them if its hot and they have that with yoghurt and crisps, i couldnt bear the though of going out the front door to go shopping so i used to do mine online for a while, its great, its like therapy choosing what you want, it used to cheer me up, my DH worked nights at the time and didnt drive, he was asleep during the day so i was practically a single mother with 2 kids and very depressed.

you are doing soo well, take each day as it comes and if it helps (it did me and i still do it today) write a list of what you want to accomplish that day or the night before.

i used to put things like:

8am put washing on
8.30 breakfast and wash pots
9am empty washing and hang up
10am cup of tea and sit down/play with DS

something along these lines you will be surprised when you look at what you,ve done that day, it gives you a real sense of acheivement.

HTH

Cashncarry · 14/04/2007 15:32

Hello QP - have caught up on your thread and feel so proud of you (in a strange, I don't really know you kind of way)

The emotional stress you're under is unimaginable and coupled with what sounds like depression I think you've done incredibly well. You obviously set very high standards for yourself (clean highchair, spotless house, wholesome meals) which is great, but take a tip from a slattern and let it go sometimes

I'm glad the crisis team are giving you a call every now and then - hopefully they will give you some longterm help to support you through this difficult stage. Have a great time meeting up with MNers this weekend - I'm very as none of the buggers live that close to me.

You've had tons of good advice so I won't babble on but please remember that you are an excellent mother and obviously care for your DS a great deal. That dinner you "threw" together during such a distressing time is an inspiration to a lazy bum like me

fussymummy · 14/04/2007 15:56

Hi Quootie How's it going today hun?

So glad you got out to the park in this lovely weather we have today.

If you ever get that you can't sleep, and i know with depression this happens a lot (speaking from experience), Lay on the sofa with a pillow and blanket/duvet, and put on the most boring tv channel you can find, and as stupid as it sounds you will fall asleep.

Don't try too hard to cook 'proper' meals.

Even now my kids quite often get picnic dinners and they love it.

So long as they're fed and kept warm and loved, kids are generally happy with that.

As for playing, my lot have loads of toys and my 3 year old daughter is walking around playing with 2 cardboard kitchen roll tubes!!!

So if your little lad plays with the same toy for days on end or sits and watches cbeebies all day don't beat yourself up about it, just see how happy he is.

He has his lovely mummy all to himself xx

Dinosaur · 14/04/2007 16:00

QP, just another message of support and best wishes - I don't really "know" you on mn, although we spoke at the Xmas meet-up - but I know a bit of what you've been through, and I think you are very brave.

beegee · 14/04/2007 17:00

Hi QP - just popped on here to say - so lovely seeing you earlier. Your DS is a credit to you - all smiles and cuddles. He's a cracker.

You're doing an amazing job. Keep going - be strong - (d)h is worthless in my eyes and you desreve (and will have one day) better. Trust me on that.

Great ideas jenk1. All for lists - really helps to focus a tired/overactive mind.

Big hugs - you're very loved xxx

snowwonder · 14/04/2007 17:04

that really kind of you beegee you sound like a great friend

ScoobyDooooo · 14/04/2007 17:12

Hi Qp hope your feeling a tad better today, good tosee you have been out to the park with your ds & friends it is a beautiful day.

Life can & will get better for you, these things take time, you have alot of support here for you which is also lovely.

Remember if you need a hand give me a shout

Blu · 14/04/2007 17:27

QP - glad you had a bit of sunshine, and some company.

I was thinking about you as I did the washing up this morning - and how brilliant it was that you saw off your MIL last night and didn't cave in. She sounds a v nasty woman, imo - and over nobody's dead body (as you said last night!) should she ever get the chance to look after your darling DS!.

Do tell the crisis team if you feel yourself sliding - did you tell them the extent of the distress you felt last night?

Well done for all you have got yourself through since this time esterday. I hope you get a little rest tonight.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/04/2007 17:47

Just woke up from a nap on the sofa DS had a long, late nap too He had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast (which I learned to do off MN last week ) and lentil soup (tin!) and bread for lunch. Just about to do dinner. Was sliding earlier alot, but feel better now Just off to do dinner, thanks for all the posts, you guys are really and truely the best x x x x x x x x x

OP posts:
jenk1 · 14/04/2007 18:32

scrambled eggs on toast, what a brilliant breakfast, u know what my 2 had this morning? one had a banana and the other coco pops and then mcdonalds for dinner

DS used to live off heinz lentil soup when he was a toddler, i used to cut up bread into little triangles with ham on and he used to call them his boats!!!!!

"Nursery food" is what my mum used to call it things like scrambled eggs,beans,tin of something on toast, mash with cheese,beans.
anything that can go in a toaster or in a microwave, i still do it now and DS is 10, you are doing GREAT, keep posting.

Pinkchampagne · 14/04/2007 18:34

my children had Weetabix & Coco pops!
Be proud of yourself!!

lou33 · 14/04/2007 18:34

i have no idea what mine had because they got up and fed themselves!

do i win?

donnie · 14/04/2007 18:36

you sound a lot better today quootiepie. I am really glad.

Pinkchampagne · 14/04/2007 18:38

LOL, lou! I would allow mine to do that if I could trust them not to kill each other & destroy my kitchen in the process!!

littleducks · 14/04/2007 18:46

Sounds like a good day, does it sound corny if i say i am proud of you? My dd has been very clingy and upset, think its teething but she wont me anywhere near to check for teeth! Lady next door suggested giving her a frozen banana to chomp on, so i bought one but couldnt decide if i should freeze it peeled or with skin on! But she hasnt been drnking milk so i have 'concrete tits' like when she was a newborn!

So thats my day relayed.

lou33 · 14/04/2007 18:55

oh they do that too pc!

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/04/2007 19:06

I presume freeze with skin on? Little bit proud of myself for not just giving him toast for breakfast, that I bothered to scramble some eggs He is finishing dinner at mo, I even had some!

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 14/04/2007 19:07

You are sounding lots stronger today, QP.

ChipButty · 14/04/2007 19:18

Have been thinking about you a lot since last night QP and really pleased you have got through the day so well. Stay strong!! xx

saffy202 · 14/04/2007 20:19

Another one who's been thinking of you today
So pleased to hear you are a lot more positive.

lulumama · 14/04/2007 20:20

no skin on frozen banana ! works very well, as does a big chilled carrot stick

AlphaLolly · 14/04/2007 20:40

Hi QP

How are you today?

Seems like the sunshine shone on you today, and shone inside and out of you. Bet your ds had a great day with you on the swings.

So whats for breakfast? If its scrambled eggs, can you send some my way.......... It's my favourite.

Thought about you all day, was going to have a MN free day but had to check you were here.

Keep strong, keep smiling and keep loving your ds and yourself.

AL xx

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