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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:07

I have no idea, I presumed they had a system, found my maiden name, birth cert. to find my dads name or something, look him up somehow. I know they meantioned directory enquiries to find the aunt

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:09

you need a name and local area to find a phone number tho

SmileysPeoples · 13/04/2007 21:09

Dear God Quootie.

I've been away, but was lurking and have re registered just for you.(added a 's')

Insist on the mother and baby unit. Do not let Ds go anywher. It may feel like a sign to everyone that you really can't cope and one they will have to react to, but it will be a decison you will regret.

Imagine Ds tonigt, with strangers, terrified and confused. That will be how it will feel for him. You at your lowest and him totally unstimaulated are better than that. He would feel like you feel now.

Try to drag your lioness 'fight anything for my boy' feeling back from somewhere. You've lost it tempoarily as you hurt so much. If you can't do that just get the help to get throuh t he days till the feelings come back.

tTis will not last forever. I promise. You will not feel like forver, people can help, things will change.

I want to help you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You're my favourite MNer ever remember???

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:09

I would have thought so, everyone seems to know my business right now

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:09

they would have to be certain they were calling the right person, in case they divulged info into the wrong hands

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:10

I was thinking about that thread the other day (so vian) Thanks. I feel the "lioness" inside abit again, but it does go away again .

OP posts:
lulumama · 13/04/2007 21:10

welcome back smileyspeoples!

i have to say i agree with lou........how on earth did they get him?

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:11

quootie that is normal tho

noone feels like they can cope all the time

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:12

i just dont understand how ss or whoever it was could find your father with no name or contact details from you, and why they would divulge personal information to someone without your express permission?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:12

I really do not know. Erm, we have a rare ish surname (maiden) maybe thats why they got him? Scary to think they ringing random people

OP posts:
kimi · 13/04/2007 21:12

QP love, unless you are trying to contact him to tell him his stuff is now a bonfire, he is a twat spawned from a mad mother, he is a useless excuse for a dad and to fuck off and NEVER contact you again, WHY OH WHY are you trying to track him down, (bangs head on the wall emotioncon)

lulumama · 13/04/2007 21:13

defijitely seems odd

does MIL or DH or your mum have his detials?

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:14

i agree with kimi

i thought you had a differnt surname from him quootie?

sounds like i am harrassing you but i am just confused

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:14

*vian = vain

OP posts:
kimi · 13/04/2007 21:16

Someone agrees with ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Kimi dies of shock)

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:17

lol

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:17

I really have no idea how they tracked my dad. I presumed as I said they had a database, like the police or something. It wouldnt be that hard, would it? Find my maiden name, find old address when dad lived with us, then track him from there?

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:20

but it would be easier for them to just ask for his name and last known address from you, surely?

we need someone who works in ss to tell us if it is standard practice for them to contact family members without consent, or if they can indeed track them without being gieven any detailks

did you give them your maiden name?

kimi · 13/04/2007 21:21

Hang on I missed a bit Why are they looking for your dad?

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:21

she syas they called him to ask if he could help, but she hadnt given them any details about him

lou33 · 13/04/2007 21:21

and she hasnt spoken to him for a year

SmileysPeoples · 13/04/2007 21:21

I've been lookimg out for you whilst lurking and wondered where you'd gone.

See, not forgotten you!!

The lioness will get lost, your own feelings and hurt will consume you. but it's there. You know, and we all know, how much you love him.

A griefstricken, depressed, self absorbed mother, who despite that loves you with all her being and is, and has always been, the central person in your whole little life, is better than no mummy. Even for one night.

He will cope with this. focus on yourself and getting the help. That is the best thing for him.

Listen to what Lulumama said; project yourself forward to him being 3yrs, with a happy confident mummy and no recollection of watching Tv for 3 wks solid when 1.

You won't be able to imagine how you might get to that right now. But please listen you will get there, you can. You absolutley can.

You are so much better than you think you are. I can tell that even just from MN. I could always tell that.

Give yourself a chance.Braek the cylce.

Make it about DS and you.

lulumama · 13/04/2007 21:22

it would take more than an hour to find someone, esp with no details surely

and without your consent

what is going on?

Quootiepie · 13/04/2007 21:24

thanks smileys

I didnt ask them to contact him, didnt give maiden name (but surely it wouldnt be hard to find out?) or anything. I dont even know where he lives

OP posts:
SmileysPeoples · 13/04/2007 21:25

Hi Lulumama!!

So pleased you remembered me!!

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