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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 03/07/2017 07:31

Remember, leaving without a key, taken alone, is not dramatic, but in reality it is done to make sure you don't go out & have a life, as you won't be there to let him back in. & then he moans that you aren't waiting at the door, & he has to wait for you get up/stop cooking/come downstairs to open......
In reality he isn't leaving without a key, he is locking you in.
another EA trait, trying to ostracise, & limit contact with friends & family.

ohamIreally · 03/07/2017 07:43

Mix yes he is locking her in! That's exactly what's happening.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2017 10:26

I thought exactly the same. By "forgetting" his key he is controlling what you do OP, even when he's not there.

I bet he takes your car sometimes too so you can't use it and he hasn't managed to fix his tyre

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 11:24

Start standing your ground first, if he forgets his key, tough, he's an adult and will have to stay with his mum or call a locksmith. Don't be in for him. If he wants to borrow your car, no, fix your tyre yourself.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 11:30

He has been taking my car a lot over the past few weeks although he has asked first if he can and I have agreed to it. He asked yesterday to take it to the shop and I said no as I might need to go out. The way I see it is, his car worked fine for him the other day when he stormed out to wherever he went after our argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 11:43

I can't drive his car as it's too big and I'm only used to driving an automatic.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 11:49

You need to start saying no more often! If he hasen't taken his key, tough, he's an adult, he can sort himself out.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 11:50

Start by being assertive first, you will start to feel more empowered! It will take him by surprise, if he's shit, call him up on his behaviour everytime.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 11:59

Thanks everyone. It might just be my imagination/paranoia but on the few times I have said no over the past few days, I am met with a few seconds of surprise and discontentment. It has made me realise how Iittle I was saying no before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 12:01

I think he sees it as my way of trying to cause an argument again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 12:03

So he wants you in your box, and to put up and shut up. Start small, by being assertive, it will give you more confidence to leave in the long run. Next time he tries the same thing, huffing and threatening to go to his mum, tell him to stay there permanently.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 12:04

Start saying no, or if he forgets his key, tough cheese. Don't be afraid of him, get your families support, if you know they are there for you, you can break free of this.

misit · 03/07/2017 12:07

You're doing well OP, standing up for yourself can became strangely addictive, just make sure you remain calm.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 12:21

So you have to meek and mild, and put up and shut up, or he sees you as being difficult is you try to speak up or be assertive, right be assertive, be the strong woman you are.

DAMNgina · 03/07/2017 12:24

You're doing it OP , you're building up your strength, confidence and emotional resources.

This isn't about what he thinks, says or does, it's about you and how you deal with it.

I'm really impressed - keep on going.

kittybiscuits · 03/07/2017 12:28

If he forgets his keys, go out to the cinema and put your phone on silent. Later, when he's hopping, just say 'Oh. Maybe take your keys next time'

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 03/07/2017 12:31

He is using you to subsidize his life.
Time-his time is more important than yours (phone, training).
Money-his money is more important than yours (buy your own drink for the pizza, your car to save petrol in his).
When he has to make an expenditure, time or money, he wants the 5 min standing ovation to recognize his condescension to acknowledge you and your existence.
I can guess the mother of his child dumped him because it just isn't worth the frustration 24/7/365. That kind of relentless frustration does lead to anger (rightly so) and he knows this. It is part of the grand manipulation: when you get angry- there you go - psycho.
This is stress. This kind of stress will make you ill. Physically ill and mentally ill. It just isn't mentally (or Physically) healthy for you to be around him.
Staying with him is keeping your mental state tamped down. It will only get worse.
You can survive somewhat. But you can not thrive again in your life while you are under the influence of his behavior towards you. You can not heal until the harming insult is removed.
Good luck, be strong. Well done on saying "no"!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 12:33

That is why op has to start small, start saying no you cannot use my car, you have your own. No you have to remember your keys, if you don't tough.

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 12:40

What a sad thread.

OP, you sound ground down and world weary and all because of man you've only been dating for 9 months. It all sounds so depressing and tedious. Sometimes you just have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your own happiness and wellbeing. This relationship is crap - it's isn't working and it WILL get worse - your BF won't change so you are going to have to do something about it. It's not easy and its sad whenever a relationship fails but sometimes splitting up is the only answer.

Do you even like and respect your BF? He sounds like an immature selfish idiot to me Confused

Would you really want someone like him to be the father of your children Hmm. Don't you think you owe your 'future' children a decent father?

PickAChew · 03/07/2017 12:45

Ex used to expect eternal gratitude every time he "did me a favour" ie did something towards pulling his weight. Fucking manchild.

i remembered to add the beer DH likes to the Sainsbury's order that arrived, this morning, as well as the rum we both like. Maybe I should wait for him to get home from work and then show him, like an excited puppy. Or just stick it in the fridge and remind him that I need some paint from the DIY store he'll be driving past, tomorrow. You know, just work together because that's what couples do.

wilmawebb · 03/07/2017 12:54

I think you should ask him to move out as you now realise that you rushed into living together too quickly. See how your relationship goes when you're not under the same roof. I wonder how much you'll see of him and what sort of effort he'll make in your relationship.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/07/2017 12:56

I've been there OP but was stupid enough to have a baby. Now have a non-molestation order in place

Mix56 · 03/07/2017 13:06

He presumably made an effort to have the time/ see/date you before he moved in...
Be frank, & say you enjoyed the "courting", now you are together, he is abusing the situation, he has his feet under the table he is treating you like his mother, to sort out all the domestic stuff, & carry on his life as if you are a maid. & it is not what you aspire to as an intelligent self sufficient woman. better be alone than to be treated like an unpaid servant/provider/baby sitter/
"On yer bike", could never be more succinct

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 13:10

OP, you don't have to play any games, or try anything. You are allowed to leave a relationship. Even if he was a lovely man (which he isn't - he's an abusive cunt), you could leave the relationship at any point JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.

You don't have to put up with this. Really, you don't. And it's not difficult. You just have to say it. And, as I said, you can have help.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 13:20

I have suffered from depression for a number of years and have another issue which I can't discuss here. Thinking about it, I probably shouldn't have been starting a relationship or moving in with anyone as I wasn't mentally ready. I'll have to fight my own demons first.

I just want to have a normal, happy life and settle down with someone who treats me well. One of my biggest regrets was wasting 8 years with my last partner who strung me along saying we would get married and have children 'someday'. 'Someday' never came, of course.

OP posts:
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