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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 03/07/2017 13:25

feline, do you get some counselling &/or appropriate meds to help your depression ?
Living with this guy can only make it worse.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 13:31

I'm not on any medication at the minute and my dr. doesn't want to give me anything until I've been to see a counsellor. She said it will take at least 12 weeks me to get an appointment with anyone so that's another 8 weeks minimum. I took antidepressants for about 5 years before but stopped a couple of years ago as felt I could/should try to cope without them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 13:32

Thank you to everyone for all your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 03/07/2017 13:35

You have already made quite some progress from your first post, you are starting to see through him and starting to assert yourself. Baby steps are steps in the right direction.

Keep saying no and it will get easier, lean on your sister if you think she can help you, keep talking on here. You are stronger then you think and you come across as a lovely person, you will get there.

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 13:37

Op, perhaps save the thread and have another look through it at a later date. There is a lot to take in. Also try and get some support from your family and friends if you can. I know it's only been 9 months but it's always difficult breaking up with people. It sounds like it has to be done though

RippleEffects · 03/07/2017 13:46

I'm not sure normal, in the way it is in books/ films, exists. Life has ups and downs and a whole range of stuff going on.

My dad has a saying we couldn't understand happy without a concept of sad. It helps me when I'm feeling sad to remember there is an alternative.

When XH left I realised I no longer had an identity. One of the things I really wished I'd done, and always maintain I'll do subsequently, is keep a few things of me for me. So whether its a hobby, or regular meet up with friends, going swimming or a monthly pampering session, its a line of identity and personal time about me.

It is baby steps to find your way forwards from here but I wondered if you would find it useful if you could join a club/ take a class that gives you something thats social and not about your relationship.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 16:28

I was thinking of taking up a class myself so thank you for that suggestion. When I was doing the Couch to 5k, I was committed to doing exercise at least twice a week for 10 weeks and it really helped. I've let it slide again though.

Of course, me like a fool, came home and prepared dinner afterwards as knew my boyfriend wouldn't be home for a bit. If I take up any sort of class or activity now I won't be doing that. At the minute, I would prefer to hold out and say I'm not hungry and see how long it takes him to get up and make something for himself.

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 03/07/2017 16:35

A class/hobby is a great idea OP.

I wonder if you could just start living the single life by stealth - so just make yourself your own dinner, only wash your own clothes, do your washing up only.

Turn him into a flatmate.

Just whilst you build yourself up?

And stop referring to our friend as a 'fool'

Talk yourself up, you're a intelligent, strong woman.

RippleEffects · 03/07/2017 16:36

Nose and face springs to mind. Do you want to reduce yourself to his level and start game playing?

Why not save something back or buy a ready meal when you know you're going to be out?

Self respect is really, really important. Live as you'd like to live. Don't let bad behaviour or lack of reciprocity in him lead you to fall into adding to the animosity. He could turn it back on you and use it to knock your growing confidence.

I need to listen to my own advice and get excercising too. Its such a vicious circle, feel a little low so don't bother today, feel a bit worse for not doing it, then its even more effort next time and so the decline continues!

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/07/2017 17:18

OP, again, I am speaking from experience - you need to run for the hills and don't look back. If you settle down with this man it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/07/2017 17:23

Why not take advantage of the extra income from him paying half the rent to pay for a private counsellor?

Good on you for saying no more often.

Stop cooking the dinner! Be strict with yourself. You might need to go cold turkey on wifework if you can't trust yourself. Have your main meal at lunch time at work, have a quick sandwich in the evening on your own standing up at the counter. Do only your own washing. Maybe don't wash the sheets, towels, clean the toilet or do hoovering for a couple of weeks. Decide he cannot borrow your car ever again. Be out every time he comes back from training - couch to 5k? Recovery walk? The world won't fall apart for a couple of weeks of No I Won't in your own mind. It will help you to realise how much Yes, I'll Let That Happen you were doing before.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 19:45

Thank you for the suggestion. My gp has actually recommended a professional/ qualified hypnotherapist that I can pay for privately as it's not available on the nhs. She thinks this might help me more than therapy as I'm inclined to shut down and just tell a counsellor what I think they want to hear.

Tonight before he went out (out from 6.15 until 8.30) he said to me jokingly, "oh, if you're in Tesco I'm all out of peanut butter and jam." I told him I wouldn't be going to the shop today and he said, "But I went yesterday. I suppose the big shop is my job, then?". Again, all said half-jokingly. My eyes are well and truly opened. I won't be going near the shop tonight whereas before I would have felt guilty he wouldn't have his breakfast items. I will be out on a walk when he gets home.

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 03/07/2017 19:49

Great update OP, you're grey rocking him naturally, which is exactly what you need.

And you're woke to his 'joking' tactic.

Very impressed, you've come so far.

What do you think about the hypno?

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 19:56

I think the hypnotherapy might be the way to go although it will be expensive. My gp did say that the hypnotherapist is a really lovely person and if I say to him about the cost he will probably reduce it. He also works as a CBT therapist at my HP's health centre and she said he's excellent at what he does. It's now just about psyching myself up to make the call and book an appointment.

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 03/07/2017 19:58

Yes they can be expensive but actually really worth it - can you email instead of calling?

RippleEffects · 03/07/2017 20:23

Not quite the same but I injured my back some years ago. I was in constant pain and it affected every waking moment. My GP suggested going private as NHS wait was long and then not direct to what I needed. I agonised over the cost (guilt of money on myself).

Without any doubt, having done it now, I'd do it again.

You are worth it. This is about buying self respect and control of your own life. No one can put a price on that. If you can find the money, its an investment that will no doubt be worth every penny.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/07/2017 20:41

The great thing about hypnotherapy is that you could start tonight.

www.hypnosisdownloads.com/difficult-people

Ok, so these downloads are not as precisely targeted on your specific issues as a face to face therapist would be but you've already said you'd probably lie to the therapist so you might as well start on the cheap version first Grin

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 20:43

Haaaaa brilliant. Thanks so much Runrabbit! Will start tonight! :-)

OP posts:
Mix56 · 03/07/2017 20:59

If he needed peanut butter for his own personal diet, why didn't he buy it yesterday?
Just say "you personal protein/foods for your hobby is not part of my fucking budget ......

Mix56 · 03/07/2017 21:00

"your " soz, typo

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 03/07/2017 21:06

He said he forgot to get them, coincidentally.

I'm panicking now. I've made sure I'm out for him getting home at 8.30 and have just now had a missed call from him but no message. How do I react to this as don't want to be a game player?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 03/07/2017 21:10

You missed the call so no need to respond.

And if he's left his key behind, tough shit.

AdalindSchade · 03/07/2017 21:13

Don't do anything. Wait and see if he calls again or texts.
Did he leave his key again?

Orangetoffee · 03/07/2017 21:20

Missed call without a message is nothing important in our house, no need to reply.

picketfences · 03/07/2017 21:24

Hmm if I got a missed call from DH I would generally call back when I noticed or dropped him a message.

Although he would usually always follow with a text so I would know what it is about. But if he didn't I would call or text him. "Just saw missed call, phone was on silent, all ok?"