He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

Ok I know this isn't thread about the shopping but can I make a suggestion? One of those magnetic notebooks on the fridge where you write down stuff you are out of or about to be out of. A menu plan for the week so you have stuff in. And do a big online shop. Or take it in turns to do the shop. And if anyone forgets anything they get it themselves if they are that desperate.

I know it's a small issue in th scheme of things but it's making me twitch!

We don't respond to missed calls from each other. Not because we are meanies but because if it was important there would have been a text follow up. Missed call with no text means idle chat wanted or accidental pocket phone call.

If you want a laugh text him "Missed call from you. Guess you wanted to know if I wanted anything from the shop while you are there? Please get me some X for breakfast. Cheers love x"

sorry, people do miss phone calls, it happens, my H walked home 3K this lunchtime, (in the heat) as I missed his calls...... genuine mistake/crossed wires.... bof

I do wonder what is going through his little head at the moment. Until about a week ago his life was peachy, now all of a sudden his GF has grown a backbone and has started standing up to him. Poor little mite must be getting a nasty shock! I don't think he knows what to do.

One think to be prepared for tho, is that he wants to play a game where he is dominant and in control all the time, and he is used to you playing along. Now you're not. If you refuse to play his game, he will probably seek out someone else who will play his game i.e. Another woman.

Not saying this for any other reason that I think it's best you are prepared in case this happens. Sounds like you don't want to be with him and are not confident enough to leave, so this could actually be a good resolution for you as he would be the one to leave, but I would just hate for you to be caught of guard. Once he realises you're not playing anymore he will probably seek out a new playmate.

How do I react to this as don't want to be a game player?

Sorry but you are being a total game player. Imagine how you would feel if you found out your partner was changing the way he acted towards you and withdrawing from you and planning to dump you and talking through his every move in the relationship with a bunch of people on the internet.

Getting advice on a problem is one thing but this thread feels like it's gone beyond, bear in mind nobody here has the full story of your relationship and the advice you are getting might not actually be the best way to handle things.

If you want to end the relationship end it but don't spend time stringing him along and reporting back your gossip to a bunch of people on the internet. Why don't you decide what feels like the right thing to do? Nobody here should tell you whether you should answer your phone or go home or what yo say to him - if you're doing what everyone here says to do you're not being yourself and you are playing him. He's in a relationship with you, not mumsnet!

I understand you are in a difficult situation and it's hard to leave and hard to stay but I don't think it is right to be sharing your day to day relationship on here or fair to be playing a game with him regarding how to treat him. It sounds like he is far from perfect but your behaviour now trying to catch him out comes across as awful to me and so deceitful.

If I found out my DP was changing the way he treated me because he was discussing every aspect of my behaviour on an Internet forum and getting advice on every move he made I would feel totally betrayed and would want to end it immediately.

You sound like a lovely woman, and I'm really glad you have started to wake up to how much he's been taking advantage of you, and that you value yourself enough to go for therapy- it's an investment in you.

I don't think this is the right relationship for you, but you haven't wasted too much of your time, especially if it has led you to reevaluate what you can really expect from a life partner. I understand that you really want a family, which is all the more reason to free yourself up to find somebody who is up to the task. I don't think it would be a picnic for any child to be brought into this situation: growing up to see their mother being bullied and emotionally manipulated, and learning to walk on eggshells themself, which would probably set them up for their own adulthood of dysfunctional relationships.

You deserve so much better than this, and so do the children you hope to have.

Keep going- you sound stronger with every post. You will get there. Just try not to let it drag out too long.

When you have been manipulated it is hard to trust yourself to know what is normal and what is not. Or even to be sure you are being manipulated. Maybe you are the bad guy yourself?

Anonymous forums are great for helping you with that.

You are finding out if it is you being weird or him. You are considering how your behaviour has played a part in creating a situation that leaves you unhappy. You are modifying your behaviour accordingly. You are observing to see what effect that has. You can't trust your own reactions so you seek the opinion of others. That is a sensible mature response imo.

Did you call him back in the end?

I apologise to you Totoro and can see where you're coming from. I really do get your point and am sorry that this thread has gone beyond what you find acceptable.

I am going to sign off now to take a raincheck and decide for myself what is the best course of action. Thank you to everybody for supporting me and I didn't mean it to come across that I was trying to manipulate him. I just never saw before how he was manipulating me.

You've all been wonderful. Thanks so much. I truly appreciate it.

Ok OP - you do what you need to do, but this thread is specifically here to people to get advice about relationships from a large community, many of whom have valuable life experience.

You've come so far from your first post, I know you're going to be ok if you keep moving in the same direction.

Good luck with the hypno, stay strong.

Its a bit sad that OP, who has admitted to having poor esteem, and has admitted that she doesnt know if she is right or wrong in many cases (quite often a sign of an abusive relationship in the first place) has been scared off this thread by one poster who reinforced all her insecurities.
Way to go
I think it is easy to distinguish the jokey 'suggestions' from the serious ones. She specifically said she didnt want to game play, and she isnt. She is finding her feet and finding her boundaries and observing what happens when she enforces them - thats not game playing. We dont know what might happen - maybe her boyfriend is just a major piss taker who takes advantage just because he can, but when she stands up he catches himself on? Unlikely I know, but still a possibility
She isnt changing her behaviour and withdrawing - she is stopping being a doormat and expecting equality and respect in her relationship. Thats not game playing - thats behaving normally.

I wonder if that poster might be the boyfriend

I wonder if that poster might be the boyfriend

I thought that too - but although weirdly AS search doesn't work with their name, someone with that name has been posting for at least a year if you use the general search.

I guess everyone has a right to post their opinion, and not everyone does understand emotional abuse and manipulation, it effects on you mental and emotional health and how isolating it is.

I hope OP values ALL the other posts over that one though.

MyNewBear sometimes its cathartic for people to be open to total strangers. She has sought advice on the Relationships section after all. I don't call it game playing at all, I call it being assertive, and op eyes are opening, suddenly she is seeing the wood from the trees. I hope her new found assertiveness carries on and gives her the confidence to leave this individual. She also needs to explore counselling and hypnotherapy which can help her.

Jeez feline don't say sorry to Toroto! Their post is pretty twatty. Could it be your OH?

Anyway, you are doing well and your eyes are opening. Good for you!

I didn't mean it to come across that I was trying to manipulate him

Sometimes you have to mirror their behaviour to show them what it feels like - it's like training a child

You forget your keys - you get locked out

Don't go to the shops? No food for breakfast

Normal natural consequences

I never remind DH to take keys - he just does - if for any reason he can't get in them I'm happy to help - but he takes responsibility for having forgotten

No harm in testing the waters - sometimes it's the only way to find the truth

Jesus feline your self esteem is so low that one critical post has scared you off your thread and had you apologising!
You're being abused by your partner and you need support to leave him. Never apologise for seeking support and do not feel guilty.

Well done MyNewBearTotoro. A vulnerable poster with low self-esteem came on here looking for advice and support and you've persuaded her that she is an awful person who has been behaving in an unreasonable way.

What exactly do you think the point of these boards is?

I mentioned about game playing in an earlier post too. I'd like to ellaborate because you seam to be growing in strength from all the support on here, formulating your own positive way forward. It would be a shame to leave that support if you've found it helpful. I appreciate that your emotions are fragile and I'm sorry if the mention of game play has added to your angst.

Currently I read things as your life is focused around his needs being superior to yours. I've no doubt this situation has evolved and you're of generous nature so have slowly done what you can to please him.

For what ever reason you've suddenly seen how life has become and no longer want to be the dogsbody and a second class citizen in your own home (good on you).

That creates time and gives you some energy to expend in another way.

By not game playing I mean don't replace the energy you spent doing things for him, with energy spent doing things to antagonise him.

Its your newfound time and energy. Use it positively. Do things for you to make your life how you want it to be. The world does't revolve around him. Your world needs to start by revolving around you and your needs/ wants!

Your world needs to start by revolving around you and your needs/ wants!

I agree with this - even the little points

Do you want to stay home because he forgot a key? No
Do you want to go to the shop for him when he's out and passing a shop? No
Do you want to spend your time shopping when you could both take turns -

It's all relevant

If anyone is playing games it is him. I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot his peanutbutter and jam on purpose, just so he could 'punish' you for not coming to the shop with him.

Keep asserting yourself, he is an adult who can look after himself. And keep asking yourself would he do the same for you?

I agree, he is the one playing games and being EA towards the op. MYNEWBEAR this is a relationships forum, where people come to have support and to have some handholding if they are going through a rough patch or in a bad relationship. Sometimes its easier to talk to faceless people you don't know, than to ones who do, they are going to be more objective as they don't know you or the partner. So no more unhelpful comments please.

OP, I'm shocked that you feel the need to apologise to a poster who give you a ticking off. That's quite worrying for so many reasons, mainly that you respond so strongly to disapproval from a stranger.

I'm sure that most of us would like you to update us sometime and let us know how your getting on.

Wow MyNewBearTotoro
Nice supportive thread there.
Many threads on MN pan out like this.
Are you the boyfriend?
We are all here to help. support, listen, and do it with compassion to the poster and give the best advice we can based on our own experiences.
That's the joy of MN.
So many wonderful women who have been there and done it so can advise with hindsight.
That's what this board is all about!
It is certainly not about making the OP doubt herself even more after months with an emotional abuser.
People can't see straight and they need the advice given here.
Don't start taking that away from people who come on here for support.
Not Cool!!!

Abusive people don't like to seek help and they don't like their partners to discuss their dirty linen in public. It's private. Abuse is always private.

As I tell my children, when someone tells you to keep secret something troubling, that there is exactly the time to tell someone.

When someone tells you that you mustn't talk about your troubling co-situation with outsiders because you will be in trouble, because it is your fault, because people will blame you, reject you, hate you, then you must run to tell as many people as possible.

Abuse needs secrecy. Abuse needs shame. Abuse needs the victim to apologise for being abused. But above all, abuse needs your silence.

I bet he would indeed hate you talking to people about his behaviour. I bet he would loathe you taking advice on how to react in a normal way. I bet he already hates how you are refusing to do his bidding. I bet he will leave when he knows you won't keep secret how he has taken advantage of you, especially if you no longer permit it.