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Original poster

The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

999 replies

pringlecat · 27/06/2017 08:51

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  1. If it's not fun, stop.
  2. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Original poster
pringlecat · 30/06/2017 00:34

LanaDReye I think looks-wise, the only thing off-putting about him is his height. He's only an inch taller than me and I'm very short. But he didn't seem bothered about me wearing heels (and the unattractive thing about short men is generally the complex rather than the height). And being a similar height is good for spooning and, er, other things. Blush

I found him more and more attractive as time marched on and we kept connecting - he was concerned I wouldn't be able to understand him, but I get his accent perfectly.

I don't know. He seems keen to meet again and he seems very genuine. To the point where I actually feel bad having a date lined up for Sunday. I don't think The Spaniard does multiple dates at the same time.

I think he's worth a kiss. When I'm not wearing heels. Kissing is the only way to tell if there's a real spark.

LanaDReye Glad you had a fun evening with Mr Cook. Smile

InfoSec21 I think there's definitely a point (early on) when vanishing is OK and a point where vanishing makes you cruel.

anothernew Another crazy to add to the collection of war stories. Block and move on.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack By all rights, none of us should be single. We have no reason to lie in this thread (per rule 10, even though there is a mix of men and women on this thread, there is no dating the thread, so no reason to try to impress anyone!) and we're all lovely. It's surprising we're all on our own, but at least we're all on our own together whilst we navigate this very modern ordeal.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 30/06/2017 08:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bant · 30/06/2017 08:15

I've been in that situation smeaton - and the same rules that women use work for us.

If she's not making time to talk to you and putting other things in her social life consistently ahead of you, then she's not in the right place to start a relationship. It's one thing if people can't get child-free time, another if you're constantly on the back burner.

So, decide if you want to put up with it, assuming that it's not going to improve. And if you don't, then move on

Smeaton · 30/06/2017 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/06/2017 09:31

Smeaton I'm in the same predicament. Met a guy, seen him a few times but he's a busy guy too so I wait...and wait....and wait...all the while y very limited self esteem gets lower and lower. He's obviously just not that into me, I accept that, so I'm just gonna let it go. If he wants to message me then fine, but I'm not waiting around on him, I'll just let him find out in his own time he won't find anyone as cool as me :)

Mumfun · 30/06/2017 09:41

Yes agree you are also much more attractive not to be hanging around. Live your life. If they want to be with you they will at least make some time to Facetime you or make some significant effort in the time until they can meet you again. I have found it makes life much simpler to expect great behaviour. Either great behaviour happens or you move on. Simple except feelings can get in the way

seasidesally · 30/06/2017 10:00

Smeaton this may sound harsh but if you both were texting 100+ a day she did have the time/made the effort

if its now just a handful and she says she is to busy i would stand back and see if she responds,she clearly can and has made the time and effort before,keep looking online and see how things work out either with her or new irons

also it will keep your mind of her and you may find other woman hat you like

best of luck

InfoSec21 · 30/06/2017 10:16

Agree with above. I've been in a positive also of waiting for messages and also second guessing what the other person was doing and making my own excuses for them just to assure myself it was still going well.

It's always good in the vast majority of cases to remember that people do what they want to do. People message all day when they want to. People stop messaging because that's what they want to do. Zero point second guessing why that is.

I say majority because maybe people were starting to talk about her always being on the phone and now she's had to cool it down. That's second guessing and making excuses or could be the way it is?

Is there any way you could ask her before it bombs altogether? Could just say look, it's tailed off massively and I'm just wanting to know if you're still into this, no problem either way I just wanna know etc.

DivorceDating · 30/06/2017 10:21

My experience of dating is as soon as it feels like a game they aren't really interested and it's best to walk away. None of my long term relationships have ever felt like a game or a why haven't they messaged or replied. Only the ones who were messing me about have.

Smeaton · 30/06/2017 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

earthangel797 · 30/06/2017 10:55

pringlecat glad it was a success. Always nice coming away from a date entertaining the idea of date 2. Definitely don't feel bad for having a date with someone else on Sunday. You've got to keep your options open as we all know this is a numbers game. You'd be mad not to go.

Smeaton I don't envy your position. I'd say keep up the contact with her but also keep you options open, I guess its very early days still too.

At the beginning of the week the offers of dates were rolling in, come the weekend most have dropped off radar. OLD is a fickle game!! I set a date with Mr Irish on Monday for tonight but no contact since so i'm not even sure its on or if I can be bothered as will mean hanging about after work for 3 hours. We've only traded a few messages so feel like I don't know much about him at all.

Setting up a date with another guy who I really like the look and sound of but he claims to not be online very often but every single time I go on he's on there. Its puts me off a little but I suppose you could argue if im on then I can't complain!

NearlyFree17 · 30/06/2017 12:13

DivorceDating

"as soon as it feels like a game they aren't really interested and it's best to walk away"

excellent rule of thumb :)

Jonsnowsghost · 30/06/2017 13:01

Probably not going to go further with this guy, actually quite disappointed! Back to the drawing board...

InfoSec21 · 30/06/2017 13:10

Sounds good Smeaton, at least you have a point in time ahead that you can base things on. If she falters on the date, you need to bin it. If she wants the date, she will be there, no question.

Once you get the date, after all your messaging and third date I don't think you'd be blamed for asking her where she sees it going and talking about where you see it going.

LanaDReye · 30/06/2017 18:59

Pringle I had three coffee dates between date 1 and date 2 with Mr Cook it was speed dating within a week 😂. It really helped me to not over-invest, which meant I felt more confident to talk about myself more openlty and ask direct questions. Mr Cook hasn't been put off by my directness and appears to have been straight with me I now need to keep that up even though I fancy him . Therefore, I would recommend going on other dates until Mr Spaniard is ticking more of your main boxes and or physically things move on .

Smeaton have you also decreased messaging? Something I have tried before is to message when I want to, i.e. regularly, then see if my iron messages more as feel encouraged. If yes then interest is there, if not it shows lack of interest as someone with two DCs working 3 to 4 days a week with a mum who needs support and elderly grandparents I can arrange time to meet and a text is 2 min! .

Jonsnow what went wrong?

Smeaton · 30/06/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaDReye · 30/06/2017 19:13

Smeaton I understand that and used to do the same, but then I realised that it was making me really anxious. I wanted to message more and to be messaged more. Messaging more and getting minimal replies sped up my last 'relationship' ending at around 2 months could have dragged on longer as he didn't prioritise me and just wanted me to fit neatly into his life. Sometimes I send three messages in a row to Mr Cook and he replies with a longer message or vice-versa. It does show interest.

Jonsnowsghost · 30/06/2017 19:31

Lana, he's worried about the distance situation but after chatting about it he might be coming round, it doesn't bother me as I'm pretty flexible but if it is an issue for him then obviously I can respect that Smile
Such a shame as he's so lovely!

LanaDReye · 30/06/2017 20:12

Jonsnow if I recall it's 2 hours?

It's doable, but hard work. What happens when you're weeks along and have a spare 2-3 hours and it would take 4 hours worth of travel to enjoy that time? Personally I couldn't face it for more than 6 months, say if someone was on a course. I think you said he visits your area regularly though?

Bant · 30/06/2017 20:21

The distance thing is a sod, jonsnow - it can work in specific circumstances- where you want to keep them at arms length and never get a couple of hours here and there to yourself where you'd like to see them, say - but other than that, unless there's a time limit on it, as Lana says I'd find it difficult too. My last relationship finished because I had to move away for work, and once every other weekend wasn't enough for her.

Jonsnowsghost · 30/06/2017 20:24

Yeah it's a difficult situation. Yes his family and best friend live about 15 minutes away from me which is a kicker! I don't know, I'm just going to go with the flow, I'm not desperate to be in a relationship and if it happens it happens and if not then I can slowly start again.
Work sucks!

YellowAardvark · 30/06/2017 22:21

Smeaton sounds like you have good self control re messaging!

I think it's a hard one to know what to do - waiting for them to message is an unpleasant head space to be in, but so is messaging then waiting for a reply!

I don't have the answers either, all I know is that I've been in situations when I have tortured myself with overthinking it when the person probably has no clue they're in my head at all.

YellowAardvark · 30/06/2017 22:22

I like Lana's advice as well. Interested in what others think, but in this day and age, is it such a bad thing to show your cards?

Bant · 30/06/2017 22:33

smeaton - I also think that you have to just chat as is natural to you. If something interesting occurs to you and you want to tell her, then send the message. Don't feel like you're responding to responses, try and see if it feels natural to have a conversation. If it doesn't feel right or it puts her off, then she's not right for you

Don't try to be someone you're not.

anothernew · 30/06/2017 22:42

Smeaton I do the same a bit. I tend to think of it like chess or tennis. You go, they go, you go. And on and on. But sometimes I don't care so much about turns, especially if they keep me waiting. An extra few relevant messages can tell you a lot I think...

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