The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

How do you keep a positive outlook on POF? They all just seem like time wasters. Isn't it normal to actually want to meet up after a few good chats? People just seem to want to talk then either try and get dirty so I stop replying or they are normal but disappear. I realise there's probably too much choice for them.

I'm thinking it's not the site for me but I've exhausted all the options on Bumble. Back onto Tinder? I can't decide :(

DivorceDating I gave up on POF. Tried match.com (had to pay for it!) as a couple of people recommended it and its been rubbish.

I've taken your advice folks and have a couple of coffee "dates", although one might be a beer date :) lined up. So hopefully I won't get over-invested in any of them if (when) they vanish afterwards.

jonsnow - look at it this way, if you were too much yourself and scared him off then he wasn't right for you and it would have continued on for a few more dates until you felt comfortable enough to let him see the real you, and he would have been scared off then, possibly after sleeping with him.

It's best to work out if you like each other for who you both are, rather than put on some front which will eventually be seen through.

Divorce - yeah its soul destroying isn't it?

If they're normal but disappear it's because they're talking to someone else more. They're not time wasters, they're just choosing to spend their time on someone else, because you're competing with hundreds of other women for their attention. That's the problem with OD.

I've lost count of the number of conversations I've let wither because I'm talking to multiple people and only one of them is interesting. Be that interesting person. Ask them about themselves, be funny, be slightly flirty but not too much. And they'll ask you out. If they're a dick, if they're not interesting and don't ask you about yourself in return, or just want to talk dirty, drop them early and move on.

Everyone is competing with other people for the time and attention of the decent ones. its a numbers game in more ways than one

Divorce Oddly enough, of all the sites I endured during my time OLD, POF was the only one I actually received any first messages from women, some replies, and a handful of dates. OKCupid I had one date from. Match, EHarmony and Tinder not one match or reply or date.

Bant- thanks for that, makes sense! I haven't dated for a long time so it all takes a bit of getting used to

Bant and I agree then there is the next stage. They seem normal and think you are normal, you see each other more and realise that you both have the wrong assumptions. You could drag a relationship along, but being single is better. So you end it and start again. It's like roulette wheels in roulette wheels with the probability of getting a match on all tables at low odds.

I am becoming so cynical!
Mr Cook sends lovely messages and seems so keen, but I feel a bit closed off. Maybe this is a good thing and really I just need a reality check?
had another nasty message from Mr Angry earlier and that is making me feel more negative too .

I'm the same lana - cynical and tired of it. I message someone, if she replies she may be interesting. If interesting enough (and funny and not obviously mad as a box of frogs) then we may go on a date. If we date we may fancy each other, and have a second date, a third..

Then she'll let her real self come out and it turns out she was actually quite stark staringly mad or bitter or alcoholic or racist or something all along, but I had either been unwilling to see it or she'd hidden it well. And so I call things off and back I go.

This happens for women too, obviously. It's the same for both 'sides'

I'm not a player, or just looking to get someone into bed as a conquest. I'm not stringing anyone along trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, and I'm not lying when I say I want a relationship with someone. But if people pretend to be someone they're not, eventually that will show and it's back to square one.

Its bollocks really.

Bant I do think it's the same for men and women, seems to be my expereanced too, I think most people try so hard at the start to be everything the other person wants, covering up their true personality in hope they don't come across as crazy, hooked up on ex or not having their life up together, after a few dates reality strikes, you have to reveal more about yourself, you ask each other more questions and get to realise that you have very different views on life. It's happened to me so many times, I am quite an open person and I try to be myself, I tend to tell people straight up that my life isn't perfect, that I do have kids with sn's and that I can be a bit of a moody cow but I find men cover up quite a lot.
I have no idea where things will go with Mr Surf, I have a feeling it will go the same way as all the others, he's different than me, has different views on life, different priorities and I don't know if it can work. He has been sending me some nice texts, trying to arrange a 2nd date, trying to be a bit flexible and not getting fed up when I tell him I am busy (I am really busy, not fobbing him off) and he keeps saying that there's no rush but he would like to spend more time with me. I would like to spend more time with him but I don't know how at the moment as I don't know him well enough to invite to my house (when dc's are in bed).

I think in general OLD does make you cynical, I know I am. I go into it now with no hope, no expectations and just to see what happens.

Having a break for now as it's just getting so disheartening. My trouble is I've never been the type to chat to more than one person at a time but of course you end up putting all your eggs in one basket. Met one guy on Tinder, we started off great guns, loads of messaging, met a few times, and then it just started to dwindle. I need to get back onto it when I feel a bit better, be a bit harder about it and multi message and maybe even multi date.

Gawd, never thought at 46 years old this would be my life. I'm relatively attractive, I'm funny (well I think I am) and apparently lovely company and easy to be with, so why is it so flipping hard to find someone decent.

Bant you're right, it is bollocks, complete and utter fuckwittery.

I have had several messages on POF today, am banging my head against a wall.

Message one: Hi princess
Message two: Hello
Message three: Hi sweetheart how are you doing apparent from being hot.
Message four: Hello how r u? (Profile photo of half a head, he's either really short or he's hiding something, suspect married).

I give up

This thread cheers me up so much I am glad you are cynical too, sorry but it's true!

It means that OLD isn't a perfect system and I'm not the one getting it wrong. Knowing it is flawed and disheartening gives me more energy to carry on. Thanks all!

Haven't read for a while today so will come back in a bit, but my heart is racing; just sent Mr Charity a 'sorry it's not going to be a romantic relationship' based on bants a few msgs up. Have never done it before crazy that I'm worried about how he'll take it.

It doesn't really matter that much how he took it, anothernew - you did the right thing, were honest. How he takes that is his own concern. It's sad things don't progress the way we want them but at least he knows its not going to work out and isn't left clueless or strung along.

Bant Lana Betty - i'm in complete agreement. And to add to the OLD fun, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt on the basis that we've invested time, he's the best of a bad bunch, it's so demoralising to be back to square one...,

Ugh. It's so BORING.

Well he replied in a kind of covert put me down kind of way. Like I didn't know my own mind and should give people a chance, and assumed I'd based my decision on one text msg, & my last relationship. Could have been worse. I could have ended up seeing him a few more times and got used to him telling me how to think and behave. I don't think I'm being harsh on him. I knew it. Some of the things he said on our 'coffee' made me squirm; the way he called the waiter, and talked like certain people were beneath him.
I wish I hadn't given him my number; I didn't really want to; I did it because I felt it was expected. Hopefully I've learned my lesson

another sounds like you had a lucky escape, don't reply to his message, just delete his number. I hate having to tell people that I don't want another date, I have had a few that have got a bit funny with me and sent abusive texts, one called me 'damaged goods' .

You definitely did the right thing, another - and now you know he was definitely a bit of a twat. Now block, forget, and move on

Toilet break. He's very short... but we're having a lovely chat. Conversation is flowing well. Will see!

Short is ok Pringle. The best guy I ever knew....the only guy I've ever truely loved actually.....was short. Beautiful things come in small packages and all that.

Thanks for the reality check regarding Mr Online Chat.

Of course he initiated 4 conversations yesterday after ignoring my hints to meet, but what's the rule again - people acting generally weird isn't your fault?

Telling people that you're not interested is hard. It's way easier just to vanish into the night. Both are acceptible in the world of online dating.

We were just talking at work today about the whole philosophy of not being able to control what other people think and therefore not caring. If you tell someone you're not interested and they react like a moron, that's outside of your control and none of your concern. That's their problem. You must always do what is right for you in these situations.

the more Sensitive Copper and I exchange messages, the more I like him and the more I am sure I will never fancy him.

as he has barely flirted (very sweetly) I don't feel I can come out and say this. maybe I should

So, he was short. Which isn't a problem per se; I was just expecting taller from his photos.

We spent 5 hours together, which is a long time. I wasn't sure at first, but we kept conversation going, he angled for a second date a few times, we shared a lot of laughs and I think he really likes me.

Where I have a reservation... if my significant ex was less fat and less bald and Spanish, he would be the Spaniard. This guy is very similar looking but in a "mark two, new and improved" kind of way. It's a little unsettling.

We really got on and despite the different backgrounds, we have some great shared (dark) humour.

Hmm.

He's definitely worth a second date, but as I said, reservations...

Pringle ignore the comparisons as he's a better version . He has potential and a humour connection is a great start!

Mr Cook came to mine, we chatted well and then he showed me how not shy he really is I thought he was sweet but shy . No MB but lots of fun I am going to try to keep my expectations grounded as it feels better when things go well.