The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Coffeeandchoc I had some questions. I was worried about asking them. But I thought it was important so I did. It was comical. He misunderstood initially and reacted like I was proposing marriage and kids. I died of embarrassment. Except, actually it was fine. It's better that he knows the real you, including the things that are important to you. And it's important that you get his take on those things too

Bant always says what I'm thinking, but better

Oh, btw, I'm properly smitten. After thinking I was just going to do a bit of dating, have some fun (and disappointment), I'm fairly sure I've stumbled upon something very, very special

Mr Surf finally text late yesterday, just a simple boring text, I haven't replied, I might not bother, not really sure what to do anymore, one minute he's keen and then he disappears.

Yesterday I thought I would un hide my profile on POF just to have a look (was with a friend and showing them how POF works). Came across a profile that I really liked, he is a scruffy biker, not my usual type but what he had written in his profile grabbed my attention, he was almost describing me (apart from the biker thing), this morning I sent him a message, I rarely message anyone and I doubt I will get a reply.

Having found OLD a total washout several times in the past, I this weekend in a fit of loneliness decided that as I never met anyone in real life anywhere who was single, despite clubs, hobbies, loads of friends who know I am looking (including lots of female ones, but none have any single friends either), I probably had to give OLD yet another go. Although why it would be any more successful this time...

Already after literally 48 hours I'm finding it depressing. I have a bit of a photographic memory and I see the same photos or profiles that were on POF when I was there 2 years ago. I did some searches - 5 years either side of me, non smoker, must have car and no kids. I found four photos that I found reasonably attractive. One had no other photos and literally one sentence on their profile, so no. One had a very long profile and we had not one interest in common, so no. That left just two, both of whom I sent a message to.

Not expecting any responses, that's not what's depressing. What's depressing is seeing so many people still on there that I remember, which just gives the impression that most people don't find success there. And that I find so few to even consider messaging when you guys seem to be dating all over the shop.

Clearly, I have to move to a really, really big city to stand any hope!

Yep. I have been in and off of POF for 2 years and each time I go back on it's the same old faces, some that I have dated or chatted too, I get a lot of 'why are you still single?' (Um, maybe because this place is full of weirdos and people looking for a hook up rather than a relationship). It is a bit depressing but when you struggle to find time to meet people in RL what choice do we have?

Mr truck doesn't want kids because most of his social group are separated and he thinks it's wrong to take the risk and put kids through a split. He is currently supporting a friend through family courts and has a relationship with a mum and found saying goodbye to the child very difficult. He was a bit of an over sharer but I wonder if this is due to not spending a lot of time with people who arnt long term friends.

I have felt for a long time I don't want another baby ruled out before the relationship has even started. I'm v unsure if I even want another I just resent the caveat.

On the other hand he was honest and upfront. I think if he relaxed a bit we could have a laugh together but I'm not sure.

Mr surf needs to be blocked are we all agreed?

I don't know 'Queen' I don't understand him but I have been a bit shit with communication too, I'm tempted just to back off and see if he chases. His last message just said 'let me know when you are free' that was over 24 hours after I messaged him. When I am with him it's great but the texting is rubbish. I am busy today so I think I'm just going to leave it and see what happens, if he's interested he will try a bit harder?

It's good that Mr truck is upfront about kids, I don't really want anymore, done my time (well half way through).

Lovemusic Finding time to meet people in real life is not the problem. It's literally FINDING single people anywhere. Seriously, doesn't matter what hobby, club, group, bar - there are never single women around. As I say, I have many female friends as well as male friends and none of them know any single women (well, within my sort of age range, 35-45). Several of my hobbies are actually far more female oriented (ie, far more women there than men) just not single unless they are in their early 20s or 50s.

Pringle hope you had good holiday. I agree with you, that you shouldn't set up dates with short-ish men if you know honestly they are just not your type.

Love why not see Mr Biker? It sounds like Mr Surf just has you as a back up plan and you have been very patient!

Shatners living in a city helps I think, but I have seen some people stay on OLD over the year I have searched.

Queen I wouldn't want more DCs and I'm upfront, but if you are younger (I'm 40s) I can see that it may be debatable for you.

I have past the one month stage with Mr Cook and had / have 3 issues to overcome. 1) Getting time together - this has been fairly well resolved 2) he didn't make it clear that he is not divorced - not a deal breaker but I think he should have been upfront 3) he has big ideas but not sure if he has finances and I want to pay my part not for him too. Aside from that we get on well and have fun.

Another thing I don't get. The option of "prefer not to say" under whether you want children or not. I get "undecided/open" and obviously "do want" and "don't want".

But why would you prefer not to say? It's a pretty fundamental question - possibly the most important question for the majority of people in their 30s I would have thought.

Well. Some developments since my update last night. I've gone from smitten to confused, fed up and not really surprised at all. I know men chase until they win you, then they pause and decide whether they actually want a relationship. I know that. I was the one who wasn't in a rush. He's thinking about the future. Then I tell him I don't do casual (re dtd), I want something serious. Cue him suddenly unsure if this is what he wants. Pffft. I'm a bit down, but laughing at the irony. I'm waiting to see if I'll hear from him today.

Shatners I dislike the 'prefer not to say' option. It makes me think that getting info out of them will be like getting blood out of a stone I mean, for goodness sake. What's the big bloody secret?

Oh God, I'd forgotten how annoying I found things like distances in the search functions. Search for women within a 50 mile radius and the list includes places that are 60, 70, 80 miles away. They used to say "ah, not by road by but the crow flies" (ie, if you could go in a dead straight line) but Leicester is almost a dead straight line, almost totally Roman road the whole way and is 75 miles.

Already like this within the first three days. This was not a good move, was it?

Chin up Shatners; those who don't believe in magic will never find it

Pringle please go out with Mr Beetle so we can have him on here

Another yes just when it looks easy something comes up. Sometimes a deal breaker sometimes an 'issue'. My problem with issues that I'm coming across with Mr Cook relate to his relationship with his ex. She still controls what he does. feeling more undecided all the time

Isn't 'prefer not to say' just the default option on some questions? So it's not like they're trying to hide anything, they just didn't necessarily choose an explicit option?

Also, some people don't want to say whether they already have kids, and may think that 'no' or even 'undecided' may let people know that they already have them. Possibly.

I don't go for women who definitely want kids, as it's very unlikely that I'd want more, but I'm quite happy with 'no, 'undecided' or 'prefer not to say'

I have seen people say 'prefer not to say' when it asks if they have children, now I find that a little odd as you either do or you don't?

I don't really like the 'prefer not to say' option, it's not hard to say yes or no, especially with the questions such as 'do you drink' and 'do you smoke?' Yes the wanting children thing can be a bit of a tricky one.

Mr Surf sent me another text asking if I'm ok as I had not replied to his other text.

Mr Biker replied to my message with quite a long reply, I wrote back but he hasn't replied since even though he showed up as being online most of the day, I think I might have scared him off

Bant No, it's not default, you have to select it and the "do you want kids" is a separate question to "do you have kids".

I'm wary of saying I have kids I feel a bit vulnerable

Why vulnerable 'Queen'? Surely if you lie or say 'prefer not to say' you come across like you have something to hide?

Because there are weirdos out there why may prey on single mums.

They're vanishingly rare, but they're out there. The less information you can give about yourself on a public site like OLD, the more secure you are.

However, it's a pretty fundamental thing to disclose.

shatner - yes they're separate questions but of course they're related. People who don't have children are less likely to say they don't want more than those who do.

I would be pretty annoyed if someone lied about not having children.

People prey on woman wether they have children or not, it's not as though the kids are going to be involved early on in a relationship but surely it's good to know that they exist before dating someone?
Saying that I dated someone who forgot he had children, he also seemed to forget that he had a pregnant wife too .

But saying 'prefer not to say' isn't lying about having children. It's saying that they prefer not to disclose that information.

People can do with that what they will. Lying and saying they have children, or heavily implying it, well that's wrong.

But this wasn't about whether they have kids, its about whether they want them.

Personally I 'prefer not to say' what my income is online. I'm fine to say my height, my hair colour, my marital status and all that.

lovemusic - the concern, as far as I understand it, is that the weirdos prey on women with children in order to get to the children..