The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

elmleaves It's not you. With POF, everyone goes through really active and really quiet periods. Do you have a mix of photos up? TBH, you'll get interest even if you only have the one, but for more results, you'll want a couple, ideally one that shows your full profile (I think men are scared of messaging a woman who is too fat/too skinny for their tastes so sometimes err on the side of no contact if they can't quite figure it out).

Sometimes it can take a while for a chat to become fun. Often you know from the first message whether it's someone you can bothered talking to further...

Give it time. Loads of people on POF; if nothing after a week, tweak your profile slightly so it changes your position in the search algorithm. Then wait again.

Thank you so much everyone. It is lovely to have support on here. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be experienced enough to help you all out too!
I only have 2 pics - one face and one full length so they definitely get an idea of my size but I maybe need another full length. I don't often have my photo taken. I'm also struggling a bit about who to rule out on looks- I find it hard to know whether someone is attractive to me without meeting them but at the same time I don't want to waste anyone's time chatting when I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be attracted to them on a first date - I've always ended up in relationships with friends so this is completely new territory for me. I'm also useless at knowing how attractive I am to others so no idea if I'm trying to punch above my weight

Personally, if I see someone with 'I don't have meet me so just message me' on someone's profile that puts me off them a bit. Everyone on PoF has match, I believe, it's just that it's a lot more work to see your mutual matches if you haven't paid.

And it's a cliche line, like someone saying they work hard and play hard or like drinking wine with a DVD or walks on the beach.

I agree though, the best way for you to get talking to someone whose profile you like, who you possibly may fancy, is by messaging them

I don't have many full length photos of me, I use a few face shots and a couple of me doing a activity (had to get dd to take photos of me).

There are ways of checking who has liked your profile/matched, if you go to your emails, sometimes they go into my junk folder, the email states who has matched you and then you can search their name on POF, it's a bit of a pain but you can do it.

What LM said - its more work to see which of your 'meet mes' you may like, matching up email alerts and stuff. Probably not worth it. I've only ever bothered messaging a couple of the mutual matches and they didn't reply - possibly one did, I can't remember.

So most people don't use it much. You can see from the little yellow dot on someone's profile whether they're a premium member, anyone who isn't doesn't have the full meet me function.

Saying 'I don't have meet me so message me' is the same as saying 'I can't be bothered to put any effort in, or paying for the feature. But I want to make it explicitly clear that I expect you to do all the work, don't expect me to do any'

Which is only a tiny niggle, but.. there are a hundred other profiles of women who don't say the same old thing. All things being equal, I'll message one of them first

So, what makes a profile interesting to you guys? I feel like when I write about myself it comes across as really boring! I just don't know how to make myself interesting.

It's different for everyone elm but for me:

Show you're funny, interesting, well traveled or at least able to hold a conversation about the world. No lists of dislikes (although lists of likes are fine) no bitterness or distrust. No negativity.

Try and sell the idea of yourself as a happy person who enjoys life and wants someone to share it with, rather than as a person who is sad, desperate or mistrusting. None of this 'been hurt before' or 'looking for my knight in shining armour' bollocks as those will just attract men looking for victims.

You're putting your best face forward so you can pick and choose from the ones that interest you. If politics, religion, the environment or TOWIE is very important to you, then state that. If it's just a mild preference or no preference at all, then don't. You're not trying to put people off with your profile you're trying to make yourself interesting enough for people to message.

Not too long, not too short.

That probably covers it.

Thanks Bant. All taken on board, would anyone fancy looking at my profile to see what might need to change?

elmleaves I don't mind taking a look if you PM me, but it does sound like it's early days for you and you just want to wait it out a bit!

Oh Pringlecat how happy I was to find this thread again .... I just need to nip out and am looking forward to coming back and reading up all the posts & having a whine about my current Tinder match

I've had a look at elmleaves's profile and she does come across well, so it's just a case of being patient! I think she just needs to retake one photo and then she's got a great profile. As I said, everyone goes through quiet and busy periods on POF.

Lottie987 I haven't used Tinder yet. I'm thinking about joining later in the year... Still skeptical (are you sure it's not just a hook-up app?), but a few of you seem to have had some success from it so I'm willing to give it a go. Just going to take a little break from OLD first though...

Thanks for the profile help everyone. I'm going to sit back and relax for the meantime and see where it takes me

I went out with mr truck. He's really attractive but talks a lot. Can't decide if I want to see him again or not. He never wants kids. I have kids.

So the date planned with the policeman earlier in the week didn't materialise, our chats just dried up mid week and I wasn't going to chase him! Got matched with another guy on tinder so been chatting with him for last few days, we've moved onto WhatsApp now which is progress I suppose. The only thing is he hasn't asked me on a date yet, I think he's still struggling from being dumped 3 months ago. Sounds like he liked her a lot and still doesn't really know why she ended it. God why do I have to find the emotionally unavailable ones?! I've agreed to wait until he feels ready to date, don't want to put pressure on him as I enjoy exchanging messages and we speak on the phone a couple of times a day. But how long is reasonable to wait?! He's going away Thursday for 4 days so I'm thinking if he doesn't initiate a meet up after then I'll just leave it. Thoughts?

yoomoo I think there are quite a few people on OLD who are there to try and take their mind off their ex and recent splits. I dated someone who was clearly not over his ex after a 5 year split , I got fed up with him talking about her and how she cheated on him. I would stay clear of anyone who still hasn't got over a split, they are looking for a rebound or they are one of those people who are just scared to be on their own. I think a person needs to be happy with their own company for a bit before jumping into another relationship.

Elm - definitely wait for a bit and enjoy it when they do message!

I think I'm being too slow / cautious with Mr Green. We've had 4 dates so far usually once a week due to work and child care issues for me. I really do like him and it seems to be mutual as he's always keen to book another date in but we haven't kissed yet. There's a spark and it felt close yesterday but I'm quite shy (come out of a 11 year relationship/marriage with a young baby in tow) and I'm scared of going for it. He seems quite similar in shyness stakes too. It also never seems like the right setting but guess I'm just over thinking this.
Also, a lot of you seem to know a lot about your dates future intentions like views on marriage, children etc. I haven't dated for a long time but are these topics you generally chat about? I'm scared to bring them up incase he runs for the hills but at the same time I don't want to invest and then we both don't want the same things....

coffee - try to think of it not as 'making him run for the hills'. Think of it as finding out if you're right for each other. You're not trying to make yourself appear to be what he wants, nor he you - you should be finding out if you're both already what the other person wants, or not.

This is the point where you can be open and discuss what you're looking for. If he doesn't want the same as you then that's your answer. It's better you call things off now before you find out later on that you (or he) had been assuming too much.

If you want a kiss, there are ways you can engineer a situation where it's natural. If he's more than an inch or so taller than you, then if you're leaving a place with him and there is a step, stop him when you're on the step above and turn and face him and talk about something. If a man wants to kiss you, he's 90% likely to do it in that situation, when your faces are at equal heights, and when you're at a natural threshold between one place and another. Presumably you want him to initiate it but you can initiate him initiating it, if you know what I mean.

Hey look. Psychology :)

Thank you Bant, funny you should say about the step thing as that was sort of how we were yesterday but I got shy (it's like being a teenager again 😳) and also weirdly id rather he initiated it (daft I know). We are due to see each other this week and will be putting your advice into practise!

Queenofthedrivensnow He might never want kids because he has a medical condition he doesn't want to pass on as opposed to is against being a stepfather. Are you ultimately looking for a potential stepfather anyway? Or something more casual? Presumable he knows you have kids already?

Can't decide if I'm just feeling meh after so many OLDs or if I have genuinely given up on the idea of a life partner. I think I'd like to date someone now and keep my own life and my own space. I used to want to fall in love, move in together, get married, that sort of thing. I don't know if I'll ever want to get married again.

yoomoo I ditch the emotionally unavailable ones straight away. From experience, to do otherwise is wasting your time and theirs. So many men who have only just left a failed relationship seem to be online - I am not going to the woman who helps them get over their ex and then gets thrown away.

coffeeandchocolate4 It's not something I'd discuss early on, but I don't date people who have profiles that say they're looking for something completely different to me. So I pre-screen them out.

Like Bant says, engineer a kiss. If no kiss by the third date, I'd be out by now... You need to kiss him soon to check whether that spark is really there! Good luck and enjoy yourself!

Yellow I don't like the sound of that. Are you happy? What are you getting out of this? Remember you are the prize! With regards to stepping back with dignity; this is your life. You don't need to apologise or make excuses for people who are taking away from your life rather than adding to it. I gather you'll still see him so can't NC,but you can totally move on emotionally from him. If you want to. You shouldn't blame yourself for being too invested; he sounds like he's misrepresented himself. You're not at fault. You sound lovely. Way too good to put up with that shit. xx

Thanks pringle and love you are right! I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable to expect to have been asked on a date after 4 days of chatting?! Will give it until he's back from holiday and if nothing by then will just let it go.
This dating stuff is bloody awful, just chatting to another guy on tinder who had a pretty weird obsession with 'mummy' told me they got mistaken for a couple last night as there was a lot of kissing and cuddling. WTAF 😩 Why can't I find someone nice and normal! Think I'm going to give up with this OLD malarkey!

Had a message from someone who's only an inch taller than me. And whilst he looks kinda cute in his photos, there's no full length photo showing exactly how short he is. Not making that mistake again... Now that I know height is actually a deal breaker for me, I'm not going to avoid.

Also from someone who looks like a Beatle. I thought I was pretty tolerant of hair, having wasted 7 years of my life on a rapidly balding bald man, but it turns out there is something worse than no hair: it's cutting your hair so it looks like that. I... don't get it.

Honestly, the more OLD I do, the more I feel like an awful, judgemental person.