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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

999 replies

pringlecat · 27/06/2017 08:51

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  1. If it's not fun, stop.
  2. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
motoc · 22/07/2017 11:34

I am on OK cupid app but the nearest person is like 151 miles away :-(

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 11:34

Want to run and iron past the experts-

Plus points - v attractive, not much baggage, employed

Potential red flags -doesn't seem to have any friends, local to area but worked away but forces and I find forces with no friends v odd as they are like the masons that way in my experience. Wants me to come to his house. I have said no, public place only for first meeting, he struggles to understand the issue - wants me to look through his Facebook for reassurance I kind of appreciate the gesture but I'm not doing it!

Think I've answered myself haven't it.

Meanwhile new iron I might call him mr truck suggested we meet at a pub in the day then walk the dogs together - only offer I've said yes to so far! That's tomorrow.

motoc · 22/07/2017 11:36

How long do you all spend chatting to someone on Tinder before meeting or un-matching? I generally delete them after 24 hours as whats the point. I don't know what area's you are all in but i think unless your in a city Tinder is a waste of time?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 11:40

Lovemusic- mr surf needs to go - courtesy isn't a huge effort is it?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 11:42

User148......there's a lot of meh involved in old. If you're not desp to meet him move on but the texting helped you assess that. Move on and see if there's someone you get more excited about

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 11:44

Flower girl that's pathetic - the fb behaviour - have a laugh at their expense x

Lovemusic33 · 22/07/2017 12:21

Queen he has messaged me back now, I'm just finding it annoying that he takes so long to reply to a message. He has asked when we can meet up again, I'm going to leave it a few days and try and work out what I want. I think most of the problems are with me over thinking everything and having huge trust issues. Most men I have dated through POF have turned out to be married, still living with their ex or they have emotional problems.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 12:26

Yy to the emotional problems!!

flowergirl5 · 22/07/2017 12:33

Thanks queen, I am having a laugh at them, can't see it lasting it's all so rushed x

user1488575338 · 22/07/2017 12:40

Lovemusic - try to get a grip on the overthinking, it's the road to insanity. Not only do I overthink but I make up the worse case scenario endings and am convinced that I'm right. This self-sabotaging mindfuckery cost me someone very special.

When I overthink now I turn on my logical button and ask myself where is the proof, how do I actually know these things and the answer is I dont, I have no frickin idea so why am I wasting brain energy.

Lovemusic33 · 22/07/2017 12:44

I need to get a grip, I'm sure not all men are bad, I have just had a run of bad luck Sad. I'm going to try and relax a bit and stop thinking the worse.

motoc · 22/07/2017 12:45

Lovemusic33 He sounds like he is messing you around. There are a lot of fruit cakes on POF. I normally get 'Hi how are you?' and nothing more. I am 34 and get messages from 50 year old's. I think i am giving up on online dating as what is the point keep trying the same thing and still get the same results each time?

Lovemusic33 · 22/07/2017 12:59

I don't know if he's messing me around. I haven't exactly been that open with him and I have probably been a bit cold due to not wanting to get hurt. I have a habit of being far to open early on which has gotten me into trouble. He keeps asking when we can meet up again, says he enjoys spending time with me, he messages every day ( though he's not very chatty), he asks to phone me and I often say I'm busy. I think I am probably looking for problems that might not be there, being over cautious?

OLD is such hard work, talking to men that you know nothing about, you don't know their past, you share no friends and you have no idea if what they are telling you is the truth, you don't know if they are married, if they are a abuser or if they have serious mental health issues. All you have to go on is your gut feeling.

Movingon1611 · 22/07/2017 13:09

Lovemusic I'm the same, I don't trust easily, been hurt too many times, find the whole old thing bizarre and then totally over think everything. I drive people away I know I do but I can't help it.

Thing is I hate all this game playing, waiting to reply to messages to not look too keen etc I'm far too open and honest I think

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 13:13

In my experience the dates that turned in to relationships didn't mess about with not replying Akko the time

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/07/2017 13:15

All the!

motoc · 22/07/2017 13:21

I don't think online dating is a quick way to meet people either. Its very time consuming and disheartening.

motoc · 22/07/2017 13:21

I don't think online dating is a quick way to meet people either. Its very time consuming and disheartening.

motoc · 22/07/2017 13:24

Can i ask Lovemusic33 do you state on your dating profile that you are looking for a relationship or that you just want to meet someone with similar interests and see where it may lead to?

Bant · 22/07/2017 13:30

Well you can do a bit of research too - google image search, Facebook, LinkedIn etc.

Sometimes your gut instinct will be right, sometimes it'll be wrong. But the consequences of ignoring a bad feeling about someone are potentially worse than the consequences of heeding it.

queen - well someone who's former forces with no friends, that's maybe an amber flag in and of itself, not a red one.

However someone who just wants you to come round to his, and doesn't understand why you may be reluctant, that's a reddish flag. Combined with the other, I'd say this is one to avoid. A Facebook profile can be faked. Trust your gut on this one.

lovemusic - I think you should walk away from MrSurf. You're flogging a dead horse here. It's been how long? He's not pushing the right buttons, or you're not pushing the right buttons for him. And you're not even sure he's not married yet?

Not all men are bad. I'm not, and I'm not particularly unusual, I think.

The trick is to know when to give up on something which isn't making you happy, to work out if it's because of you or them or a combination of both, and to have a thick enough skin and ability to learn that you can go back and search for someone who's a better match for you

motoc · 22/07/2017 13:38

There are nice men about but its a minefield finding them.

motoc · 22/07/2017 13:43

Skype is your friend or Snapchat when you want to verify someone. I wouldn't trust photo's on Crapbook or shitagram with a bargepole.

DivorceDating · 22/07/2017 14:03

I agree with @Queenofthedrivensnow as soon as you feel like it's a game then they aren't really interested in my experience. Men don't wait or give mixed signals when they really like you.

I need to listen to my own advice at the moment though and stop being so upset over a few weeks of messaging and six dates with Mr Local. Blergh 😭

Lovemusic33 · 22/07/2017 14:03

motoc I state that I'm looking for a relationship.

Bant its been a month, I last saw him a week ago, I have been away for a week and just got back, he is asking to meet up and seems to be waiting for me to set a date, I can't set a date as I don't know when I have a child free day until I talk to the dcs dad tomorrow or I sort child care. He has indicated that he wants a relationship, he has taken himself off of POF but I haven't. He tells me he's a widow and was in another relationship until recently, he moved here to be with his now ex but then they split, he has no friends near by which is why he travels to see friends at the weekends (or so he says). The issues are with me and trust.

I have hidden my profile on POF but not removed it, I want to take a break from it for the summer due to lack of child care and the time it takes ( I want to spend the summer with my kids ) so if I do continue to see Mr Surf it will probably only be once a week.

flowergirl5 · 22/07/2017 14:19

In the early stages of a new relationship how often do you try and see the other person? I my last relationship we struggled to see each other more than once a week due to child care. Also we were an hours a drive away as well. Guess it's not ideal when you have kids, work etc x