The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

drraven - how was it a disaster with Mr Motor? He wanted to have sex on date 2, you didn't. How did that end? Did he get in a huff? Did he refuse to contact you again?

Just because someone wants to sleep with you early on, it doesn't make them a bad person. It's ungentlemanly to suggest it, possibly, and right out of order to try and pressure you. If he did that then he should fuck right off.

But what happened? If he suggested you stay over and you demurred, and he was fine, then that's not a reason to call everything off. If he was a dick about it then you'll just have to accept that people can be charming and attractive but still best avoided.

That said, if he was a bad boy type and you're attracted to that, then maybe breaking the pattern with Mr IT is better

Hi Bant, thank you so much for answering! It was all just a bit awkward really, there was flirting and kissing and then he made it clear he wanted to DTD and I said I didn't. We spoke about it for a bit and then he said he thought he should leave and he did, not in a huff. He said he would call, but didn't. However he did text and say 'I enjoyed meeting you, Good luck with your search' which I took to mean goodbye! It's so hard because it was going so well up until then and we had said we would go for date 3! Really want to message him and ask if we could meet again to talk, but just not sure! I really appreciate you advising with this, really helps!!

Also, am I being weird!

dravensangel you arent being weird at all. it does sound like he was looking for sex, perhaps a FWB. it is his loss, you absolutely did the right thing and i would do the same no matter how much i fancied them! the fact that he left does say alot about him aswell.

i have date no.2 wih Mr.Gym tonight, going for drinks, wonder if we will kiss

draven I agree the "good luck with your search" does sound like he was only interested in sex. I can see how you're tempted to message him but don't think it's a good idea. He might meet up, you might feel more inclined to DTD but he sounds the type to disappear after that anyway.

A guy I was seeing last summer popped up on Tinder this morning. I really liked him but ended it anyway as he was too flakey and very probably seeing other people. It took all my strength to swipe left but I did as there's absolutely no point in re-visiting it....I've been wondering "what if" all day though

I have seen through a few "what if" scenarios.

When I first dated in Aug 16 I had almost met an iron, I'll call Mr Football. We chatted, he seemed lovely, very keen on his son and normal person. When single again months later I spotted him and messaged him, I wondered if he would be perfect and I should have met him first. Met and it was disappointing, all he talked about was his son and he wasn't interesting at all, no spark.

Next one I had messaged on two occasions being single. I had a 6 week 'relationship' and afterwards directly messaged the iron, Mr SciFi, so third time messaging. It seemed like we would be perfect we messaged so well. We met and really didn't connect.

I would say ignore "what ifs" and look for what is happening now!

Yeah other people are right, if you'd DTD he very likely wouldn't have contacted you again and you'd feel worse. And 'good luck in your search' means goodbye. Sorry,

This often happens, you meet someone online and think they're great, meet them in person and they don't match up to your expectation in some way. Shorter, smelly, dull, or in this case just a bloke who's looking for a shag.

So, MrMotor wasn't the same person you thought he was (as if he was, he wouldn't have been a dick) - so you're not actually comparing MrIT to the man you met the other day, you're comparing him to who you thought MrMotor was.

MrMotor wasn't right for you because he's just looking for a shag. MrIT isn't right for you either (although maybe he could grow on you)

You're not being weird. Your twat radar is working pretty well.

Onwards and upwards

Hello @yoomoo I'm in the same boat. Mid divorce and no children. My ex husband is also on all the apps! Using a photo I took of him the night we got engaged (classy).

I just swipe left every time he pops up :)

@divorcedating how far into the process are you? It's so bloomin slow! Cringe!! Mine has photos that were taken on our honeymoon on his dating profiles, in fact in one of them if you look closely enough you can see me in the reflection 😂 Does make me laugh! Maybe I'll give POF a go then and hope I don't get matched!
My date for Saturday is a policeman so I'll call him Mr Plod

@lana, @jellybean, @esk1mo, @bant thank God for this thread! Thank you all so much for your advice, it's been so welcome! I agree we can all have 'what ifs' and they more than likely don't turn out! You are all so wise! On reflection, I think because it was a second date and the first was soooo lovely and apart from that we had a lovely time, it seemed a shame to let it go over what happened! God, why is this so flaming hard!! @esk1mo, Good luck with Mr Gym, kiss details please! @bant your message was very wise and made me laugh, thank you for that! May just give it a rest for now.

I heard a great saying today and I'm now going to be applying it to everything (I'm a chronic overthinker)
"don't believe in everything you think"
I think others may benefit from This advice, might put a post it on my mirror

@yoomoo I filed in May and yes so slow! My ex is not being good about it which is slowing it down. I'm loving dating though. So lovely to be out with nice guys who are polite and ask how my day was and don't treat me like crap.

@jonsnowsghost thank you for that, it's is truly awesome and will be my motto hence forth! Xx

@jonsnowsghost thank you for that, it's is truly awesome and will be my motto hence forth! Xx

You lot are a bad influence! I went in his bedroom tonight when I used to loo. Looked normal :)

Meant to say I went in his bedroom tonight when I was upstairs using the loo. Hope that made sense!

Date 3 with Mr B was just totally lovely!

I'm not talking to anyone else. Dates 4 & 5 are booked. He's done everything right so far and exceeded my expectations in every way. He's coming up with all these great ideas of things we can do, without any pressure, and just seems really genuine. I'm feeling very, very fortunate! And calmly excited. It's very early days, but I'm feeling like I'm in exactly the right place

Would love to join in - can I tag into this thread?

Divorce phew. I'm glad for you re normal bedroom

Johnsnows I've written that on my mirror in a dry wipe pen

Bant I love your insights. You have a great way of explaining how things just are. Your lady friend is very lucky

Dravens it occurred to me that the goodbye ish message from him, could have been him assuming you wouldn't want to see him again?

To those thinking of quitting, I have a slight theory forming... there are plenty of people who have been on the sites for a long ish time, and a good proportion of them may have v good reasons why they're still single you probably can't tell until you've met them once or twice. Tune into your instincts.

However, there are new, fresh people joining all the time. Some of these won't stay on for long. But wouldn't it be great if you happened to catch someone who hadn't been there for long enough to be jaded with the whole thing!

SeanO welcome

@divorce that is a relief! Hope it continues well for you @anothernew I think you may be right as Me Motor messaged me, after me deciding not to message him! Says he wants to meet again and we 'got a bit confused' hmmmm and I agree @bant great insights and lucky lady. I have almost given up many times and I agree with what you say, you never know when someone new may pop up!

Thanks @dravensangel I really like him but I'm still not sure it's mutual. He never messages me straight after we've spent time together (he did the first time we went out) saying he'd enjoyed seeing me or did I get home safe or anything like that.

Is that normal? Makes me feel sad and unsure as in all my previous proper relationships guys have done that. We have seen each other 6 times now and DTD. I suppose I would expect more interest. I never know if or when we'll see each other again. Part of me thinks it's ok and I don't want some big heavy thing and part of me is upset by it. I suppose after last night I'd like to know if we are seeing other people or not but I'd like him to initiate that conversation. Damn intimacy hormones making me crazy!

Divorce I've had a couple of longish relationships like that and the not knowing when I'd see them again drove me crazy enough to vow I'd never put up with it again. It felt like they couldn't even commit to seeing me 24hrs in advance. I ended up not making plans with friends 'just in case'. And in the end, I realised they just weren't that bothered. I've had to find my boundaries and this is a big one. They need to make an effort. I hope this isn't the case with you; it can become toxic, addictive, and painful to extricate yourself from, if you think it's more than it really is. A relationship should have you feeling good about yourself, not confused. You do deserve better, don't you x

@anothernew yes I feel like I need to refer to rules 7 & 8 here really.....

esk1mo how did your 2nd date with Mr Gym go?

anothernew it all sounds really great for you! Nice to meet someone who lets you know where you stand and you are not playing the does he want to see me again guessing game! I'm excited for you. I also like your theory, you are right, new people join OLD all the time and if you can catch one it would be great. I do think dating is a lot about timing and it being the right time.

Divorcedating I've been in that situation and its wearing as you just want to know that you will be seeing them again and not second guessing it. I'd be just like you and wanting him to initiate the are we seeing other people or not conversation. Maybe next time you see him you can kind of steer the conversation in that direction a little and see if he brings it up? Easier said than done though I know.

dravensangel Its good that Mr Motor got in touch with you first. He knows where you stand on the DTD situation and he still chose to get in touch. Did you arrange a 3rd date?

I have a date tonight with a new Iron, Mr Smiley. We haven't chatted much over the past few days so hoping its still on.