The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Thanks Lana I think I'm just a bit paranoid, finding it hard work due to what I went through with ex (who I met on POF), I'm scared of rejection and I think it's stopping me from showing any feelings, I'm worried he will think I just want him for sex because I'm too scared to show any other feelings towards him. I do like him, yesterday was great and we were both really relaxed with each other. I would like to spend more time with him doing things, we have a few things in common which makes it easier.

@LM totally agree with @Lana I would take this as positive too. If you had chemistry in the bedroom, he probably wants to see if it works elsewhere! Good luck with it all, it's so complicated isn't it! I have second date lined up with Mr Motor though not convinced that will happen! He called me everyday since first date but not last night! Have a first date with another iron Next Week, so we will see. Beginning to wonder if I need to just give it a rest for a bit.

Also wondering how @bant got on with date number 4!

I'm waiting for Bants update too.

I think I may have sent the wrong reply to Mr Surfs text and come across that I'm just looking for sex that's not what I am like, I'm just trying not to over invest. I don't know if I should remove my profile from POF, I think he might have removed his or hidden it, I haven't logged in for 2 days.

LM I'd take that as a very good sign! He wants to develop an emotional connection, so it's not purely physical. Try not to let the fear of rejection stop you being yourself. It may not last forever, but if you can be wholly you, you'll have a great time and hopefully learn something about what works for you and what doesn't. You're allowed to have your needs met too; whatever they happen to be.

The thing about fear of rejection is that it's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

Very excited for you!!

Morning.

Date 4 was good. Dinner, drinks, wandering down by the river. Some slightly drunken kissing. Lots of chemistry.

She still didn't do much talking though. I'm meeting her again today, we'll spend the afternoon driving around local places, with no particular destination in mind.

Lovemusic that message from your date is lovely-definitely says he wants a r'ship. Happy for you!

My second date last night (Mr Muddy) didn't ghost me! Yay. Perhaps the curse is broken now!

My first (coffee) date this morning (Mr Engineer) also went well. He is very smily and nice.

I am feeling a bit less stressed about the whole dating thing now. I have a free evening on Thursday so may try and set another first date up then.

I'm now off for non-date social activities for the rest of the weekend!

@bant great, that sounds like a lovely date. Chemistry is rare in my experience, so that's also good! Have to say I am a bit in my she'll too, takes me a long time to come out and am much better in text, doesn't mean I am not interested, just maybe hesitant! Hang on in there Bant, this sounds all good. Good luck today!

Bant Glad you had a good date

and LoveMusic Glad you had positive message from your date

I'm still dating same guy for 2.5 months now. We are both busy so some weeks only meet once but starting to get our schedules better sorted . He is great at keeping in contact and it continues to just be easy yet happy.

Mumfun did you know early on that your schedules didn't work? as in did he tell you his pattern of days?

I ask as I think I may have found an issue with Mr Cook, which relates to this. He isn't free to see me this weekend until tomorrow evening, so we could end up with just 4 hours together. At the moment we have about two hours together Tue or Wed depending on childcare, and 3-4 hr on Thu. We have had time together in the day as he has taken some leave in week (I work P/T) and so far it looked like he had a day and night free every weekend. It turns out that weekends he is due to have his DCs from Fri night until around 3-4pm on Sun. I have a night and day free every weekend.

I feel unsure finding out now that I'm dating someone that I can't spend a weekend evening with. I like independence and seeing friends, but this means I can't have a partner night out. Is it strange that I'm finding this out now after a month?

Lana I'm in this situation with Mr Surf, he has taken time off work to see me on a Friday but weekends are tricky as I have my dc's Saturday and he likes to spend the weekend with friends, it's hard to see how it will work but I guess things can change as you get closer to each other? You could meet each other's children and maybe go out together with friends? At the moment I think I will only be seeing mr Surf once a week at the most and sometimes only for a couple hours.

Thanks LM, did Mr Surf say this at the start to you?

I only found out today that we're not seeing each other tomorrow until later originally he said I had him all day Sun if suited me . I asked him tonight "do you have DCs every Fri and Sat night" and he said "yes". Before this we have had a whole Sun together and have met on a Sat afternoon before. He still seems very, very keen, but I think he's switched things around before to look more available.

Argh. I'm now in the situation where I like him, but don't think he was clear at the start. As it involves his DCs I'll look like a bitch mean person if I query this now?

Mr Surf has been a bit cagey about his free time but recently has said that he works a lot and his friends don't live near him (so he likes to spend the weekend with them/stays over), he does imply that he wants to see me more but I have a feeling friends will always come first. I'm not sure if it will work out but I'm going to give it a go, not over invest and be prepared to walk away if dates don't become more regular.

I think it's really hard to make time when there are kids involved, quite often men have their children at the weekend and woman don't (as kids are with their dads) so when we have free time they don't. Mr Surf doesn't have children but seems he still doesn't have time free when I do.

Thanks LM it's good to write talk about this. I'm finding this difficult to resolve as I have been so clear on wanting regular dating, told him previously that I have dated unavailable men including ones that only had a few hours free each week. He assured me that we would have whole days and he was looking forward to us spending nights together.

It's great that he sees his DCs all weekend, but acting originally as though he didn't has misled me. If I had known the truth then I would have had a choice to make earlier and not now

So I'm totally over invested and need to find a way to stop being it because it's ridiculous.

Mr Courier came back on the scene after dropping off the face of the earth for a few days. He apologised, we talked it through, alls good although I would say I did feel a bit more wary.
We finally met on Thursday. It was great. We got on so well, I'd been worried we'd been talking so long that it wouldn't work, but it did.

He's told me he'd like to meet up again, which is fab too.
Problem is I feel like I'm turning into a crazy person. He's much busier than I am with his own business and his kids and I find myself obsessively checking my phone. I need to stop, I'm not this kind of person.
It's been a while I know but last time I did the whole dating thing I was always quite a cool customer, never gave much away etc now I'm the complete opposite and I don't like it!
How do I stop???

Turn off all the notifications and last seen in whatsapp, if that's what you're using. Put the phone into airplane mode for a while and go do something else. A film, a book, redecorating a bedroom, inventing a perpetual motion device.. whatever.

Why did he drop off the face of the earth?

He'd been ill with a d&v bug, then the kids got it when they were with him, combined with a very busy time at work- it was 5 days he was gone including the last time we messaged on the Saturday. I had noticed, in a non stalker way, that he hadn't been online on whatsapp since the Saturday but figured he'd deleted me or something and so it wasn't updating- I don't even know if that's how whatsapp works! 😂

I told him I understood him and the kids were ill but that going from lots of messages to absolutely none for 5 days made me think I'd been ghosted and that's not nice.
Whether it's the truth or not I don't know but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now and trying to maintain a sensible distance and have boundaries.
Which is proving difficult when I seem to have turned into a nut case 😂

This was before you'd actually met though? In that case it's not ghosting - that only refers to actually having a relationship with someone, and them disappearing.

It's easy to overinvest with someone you're talking to a lot, but until you've actually met them, you're just having a relationship with a fictional character, invented by your own imagination, based upon photos and words on a screen. That isn't the real person, it may be a very close approximation but it could also be radically different.

You've met the man once. He's been possibly a bit flaky (5 days without messaging would imply he's not that into you, he was meeting someone else, possibly)

But that's dating..

You've only met him once. Put the phone down for twelve hours or so, wait till you feel breezy and chatty, then message him. This isn't about playing a game and making him wait, it's about taking control of your own actions, which will both make you feel better and also make you more attractive, and less needy, to him.

You are totally right, I am stepping away from my phone. I've got the kids so can even switch it off for a bit.

Movingon I'm usually an over investor too, I have been watching my phone all day. Mr Surf messaged last night and asked me to message him when I arrive safety tomorrow (going away with my dc's) which kind of indicated that he won't be messaging me until then, he's away with friends but I'm still checking my phone every time the bloody thing vibrates. I'm quite glad I'm going away tomorrow so will be too busy to check my phone.

Can I join this thread please. Downloaded tinder a while ago but got freaked out so deleted it. Started again today and have been chatting on and off with someone. I'll be honest, I find it a strange concept chatting to a stranger but I need to give it a go.

At what point should we swap numbers so we can text? What point do I know I actually fancy him? God I'm useless at this.

Lana I think its a fair thing now to sort out what time he has. I would discuss it with him and be clear on the situation.

The schedule thing I have is that I have one night per week where ex has DC . I had booked it up with something else for a while. But that's now finished so we have more time. My guy works shifts including weekends that also vary between early and late. It actually works for me as I am self employed . He often has a day off in the week so we can get together then and I make up time at other times.

God there are so many things to take account of in getting into a new relationship!

Thanks Mumfun I have just seen Mr Cook, talked about it and he was actually happy that I wanted to see more of him!

He would like to work on an every other weekend plan with his ex so we have time at the weekend. He sees his DCs two evenings in the week and said they are an age (teens) where he is often just dropping them at friends during weekends anyhow.

When I said we needed to talk he thought it was final, so was relieved it wasn't. I'm so relieved we can talk, usually this is the stage where things end and I'm back on OLD. I don't like OLD but everyone on this thread is lovely

Date 2 with Mr Bike was brilliant. He's fun, and so far seems v normal! He told me he deleted his dating app after date 1 (although the app he told me he deleted isn't the one we met on ). He's not started his divorce, and he told me they split up 6 mths ago, but I may have seen a pic of him whilst 'browsing' FB; with a wedding ring and his wife, just 2/3 mths ago. I know I shouldn't snoop. But I did. Anyway.

I've hidden all my profiles now as today I'm back in mindset that the guys I seem to attract don't seem to have their shit together, or the ability to be honest and real. I don't know if that's down to how I present myself in my profile?

It seems like OLD can b v rushed. I thought I'd go on lots of dates and have some fun and disappointment, and make some good connections. It seems like I feel obliged to make decisions after one or two meetings, whilst I'm v aware that they're still complete strangers. They seem to want to get to bed so quickly, and if I DTD I get attached, and at this stage I can't even tell if they're honest. So I think that's about my self worth, and I know I need to work on that. I don't even feel like they're really trying to win me; it almost feels like they just want me because I'm there...

Have returned to POF after a couple of weeks away. Posted on here about it I think; one guy I met on there knows an old friend of mine (let's call him Mr MutualFriend) and the other I've been for a walk and drink with but not seen since (Mr Local). Anyhow, have got closer to dtd with Mr MutalFriend but I'm still not comvinced there's a spark there and I don't get excited about seeing him. I think he'll have to be a friend with whom I have a lot in common but nowt more. Am meeting Mr Local for drinks on Thursday and am quite looking forward to it. After our last meeting, we've texted and Whatsapped a fair bit and he seems fairly normal (for POF!). Have also sent a couple of messages to potential dates on POF this morning, so will see where they lead. Good luck to everyone who has a date this week!