The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Ah well, my second date for tomorrow may be off. MissTattoo hasn't read my whatsapp messages today, and was out for a beer with someone last night, and staying at her sisters. But not going for a drink with her sister.

So, probably, a date. And no messaging since.

Ho hum. Back to pof. Bollocks.

Bant does sound like she might have had a date. I tell other irons 'I'm going out with a friend' when I'm going on a date , I hope we are wrong and she messages you at some point.

I have come off of POF for a bit, I found myself going on there checking up on Mr Surf, went on there yesterday and when I clicked on his profile it comes up with no photo saying 'photo is private'? Does this mean his profile is hidden? Also where we are linked through whatsapp his Fb profile comes up on my 'people you may know' which is fine but yesterday another profile came up, his first name but a different sir name, all the other detail indicate it's him, similar photos (no actual face shots of him), same place of education etc..etc.. ,he only has 2 friends on this account and it's 2 females from Nigeria. So has he got a 2nd Fb account or has his account been hacked/cloned? Anyway it's made me very suspicious and unsure of meeting him again. I can't really question him or he will know I have been snooping .

So looks like that's me done on POF for the summer, I can't really do the date no thing once the dc's are off school due to ex not wanting to look after his dc's.

*LoveMusic that does sound odd. Could he have set up a second FB account to use for Tinder as some people do?

I'm half wondering if I should ditch both the Spaniard and Mr PT.

I've been thinking about the Spaniard and I think his height does bother me. I don't know if it's his short height or the fact that my significant ex was also short and that man is awful, but I am finding the height a serious turn off.

The Spaniard can't grow taller, but Mr PT could turn smarter. Yeah, realistically, he's not going to.

I could just have some fun with Mr PT. I've never done that before, but it would be fun. Not every man has to be potential long term relationship material, right? Would that be true to myself? I don't know. I think it's the current dry spell that is clouding my judgement...

Maybe neither is right for me. Not right now, not right ever.

Mr PT would be fun in bed, but the more time I spend with him, the stupider I think he is. He's definitely nice but dim.

pavonia you could be right, he's away this weekend visiting family so he might have set a tinder account up so he could see what's on offer when he's away? Just seems odd that he has 2 friends on that profile that look like dodgy (porn style) profiles.

He has messaged me today even though I assumed after his last message that he wouldn't be messaging this weekend (told me about his long drive and said 'have a nice weekend').

I'm going to try not to over think too much, it's just frustrating that we have both been really busy so haven't had a date in 2 weeks so instead of getting to know each other I have been left guessing and snooping.

LoveM from the start it didn't sound as though Mr Surf was reliable, and this latest thing with fb sounds v dodgy. I think you're right If he is genuine you would have had date 2 and you would know more. I'm annoyed for you that your ex doesn't help. I had a battle to get my ex to help, but it was worth pursuing to have time off. Keep asking and see if DCs can ask too - you need a break even if not dating just for regular life .

Pringle I think ditch nicely The Spaniard after all as physically you are really doubtful. I would have fun with Mr PT, but I would be ok if things ended after DTD. If you have doubts then would you have fun?

Bant she may genuinely have got drunk with a friend, but it may be a date, you in the meantime can check out pof and have other dates too. Have you sent her a "hello" type message see what you get back?

Lana whenever I ask ex to look after them he makes an excuse, I know he has 2 weeks off in the summer holiday but I doubt he will ask to have the dc's. Dd1 doesn't want to go with him tomorrow as he doesn't do anything with them (last week he took them food shopping). I don't think I will ever be able to date, I can leave dd1 but not dd2 due to her having special needs .

He sounds an idiot LoveM I hope you have supportive friends!

It makes me feel angry to hear about parents choosing not to be parents after separation. I have had to repeatedly tell my ex that he isn't doing me a favour when he has our DCs, he is in fact being the dad that they deserve.

I'm honest with dates that my ex is not very flexible with childcare and that we didn't have a smooth break up. Rather than put dates off they seem happy to know it's final and not a temporary split.

So instead of hiding my profile I have changed a few of my photos in a last attempt to get some irons before the summer holidays. I am now talking to Mr Fish and Mr up the road (he's very local). I'm not going to sit around and wait for Mr Surf, I need to keep my options open 😛

LM

One of the wisest things I ever heard on this thread was 'when a man tells you who he is, listen'

Mr surf is unavailable. He has rest days - either because he doesn't value you to want to spend his time with you, or because he's actively trying to put you in your place, behind his hobbies.

Even if things were to progress with him, they're not going to get better than they are now. Is this what you want? Confusion, suspicion, waiting around...?

Just drop him and move on. Tell him that it's obviously not working out because you haven't seen him, and more to the point you haven't spent free time chatting on the phone to get to know each other, working around your availability issues.

Move on, you're worth more than this

smeaton pity date because we work together and he had already told me that he doesn't date people from work and he had never looked at me that way.

We had been chatting quite a bit and a few other small details made me think that he actually likes me but I also wanted to trust his word. He is OLD and telling me all about his dates. He had two dates with a girl he really liked (as in he deactivated his OLD profile) but she didn't correspond. That's why we met for a drink and when he asked me out.

He made me feel confident though and we met. Date was good. He told me I was gorgeous since the moment I arrived. We had dinner, then drinks, we kissed. He told me he had liked me all along but working together was a no. We walked by the lake, made out, he uberes me home and he ended spending the night. We had sex in the morning and it was good.

He held my hand all the way to the office, and asked me if we could see each other again. Random texts to tell me that he is thinking of me and asked me for some alone time yesterday (just walkwd to the subway together and kissed goodbye).

So apparently he wants a second date and has said all the right things. Problem is he has not only checked his OLD profile but changed all his "about me" and nickname today.

I thought I had made a friend and was really enjoying it without the complications of dating but now that we have kissed and even had sex I feel hurt heis still looking around. I know it is only one date but it was not iykwim. Please, give me some advice ao I don't feel so crappy.

Btw, separated for two years after 6 years with XH. This was my first date since separation. I have two DC, 2 and 4 so not lota of time and I am not OLD. Also a expat, no family here

Thanks DivorceDating for your thoughts and I'm pleased your smitten with your Iron. From what you've described, you deserve some life/fun/happy times.

I told Mr Green the basics (it's clear from my OLD profile my position) but he was probing for more. TBH I found it a bit weird talking about my son etc as if he wouldn't want to hear about him but he seemed genuinely interested, so I hope that's positive!

Sillygoose there is a chance that he doesn't really think he has a chance with you, hence making himself feel better with altered profile but you say "apparently he wants a second date and has said all the right things". That's still a positive start.

Smeaton three dates but uncertainty and one kiss sounds like a fairly slow pace. Has she said she would like to take things at a slow pace?

Coffee and DD sounds like you both have promising dates.

I'm feeling I really like Mr Cook, but I don't want to like him too much and get hurt. He hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm constantly analysing to see what his issues may be. We kiss lots, but haven't DTD despite seeing each other for about 3 weeks including some whole days..We've got close a few times frustration may be affecting my judgement .

Bant you are right, although we do talk on the phone but the conversation isn't that great (only seems interested in himself, doesn't really ask questions about me).

I now have a date next Sunday with Mr Fish, we chatted on whatsapp until late last night, we have a few things in common and he showed interest in the things we don't have in common, I explained my situation with the dc's and lack of child care and he was happy to be flexible and meet up on the only day I have child free, I'm not sure if I find physically atractive but that could change.

Hi everyone, I've been on POF and ok cupid on and off for a few years, never had an actual date, I don't think I've really ever been ready, I've been separated for about 2 and a half years, have two DC, 14 and 10.
I find most of the messages I get are from men who are totally different from me or just nowhere near my type. I also find that a lot are into travelling, and very adventurous stuff etc. I do not have anyone to look after my DC so don't go out that much.
I think I'm more ready to meet Someone now to have some company in the evenings and weekends and someone to come with me for company when I take the kids out for the day and they are of playing, whilst I'm usually sat on a bench on my own.
I'm wondering if I'm more likely to meet someone with similar interests and lifestyle who has a child/children and whether I should join a single parent dating site? However the ones I know of a paid sites, I'm not really willing to pay, are there any free ones out there?

PurpleBurtle

To be honest I don't think you are likely to be able to make progress on the dating front unless you have at least a little child free time on evenings/weekends. Could you arrange a childcare swap with a friend?

The ones that seem to be looking for a companion for their travels are of no interest to me either, I can't afford it!

I think there are pluses and minuses to dating other parents. The children may not get along, you may have your kids at different times etc. On the other hand men with children of their own may understand your situation better (or not as they seldom have their children full time).

I don't know anything about single parent dating sites. Many people on the big dating sites have children therefore I don't really see the need for a specialist in that regard.

PurpleB I also initially went into OLD wanting company when I take DCs out. The reality I have found is that it takes time, and many dates, to know someone to get to that point. I have dated 13 men over an 11 month period and only one of them spent real time with us as a group. Two others briefly met my DCs.

It's hard to know if someone has potential unless you can meet in person, even getting through date one can be an achievement, but it's worth trying ask me in 6 month if it's still worth it

It's hard to get childcare when your child has special needs, I already get childcare one evening a week as I work, sometimes even that's hard to find , my eldest is almost 14 and I trust her to keep an eye on dd2 for a couple hours so I could meet at a local pub but wouldn't want to be too far away. I don't really have many friends that can help out and my family are not very helpful.

If I was to find someone then they could come back to my house after a few dates as my dd's are at that age where they do their own thing in their rooms, I could easily sit in the garden or cook a meal for a date and hardly notice the dd's were here, but I need to get to a 3rd or 4th date first .

purple you sound similar to me, dc's are becoming more independent but not old enough to leave for the evening. I find myself sat on a bench in a park whilst dc's do their own things, I spend the evenings sat on my own as they are in their rooms and it gets quite lonely.

I get one child free evening/day a week and thought my situation was difficult enough, so I sympathise. It takes a long time to get to know someone when you can't spend much time with them. My youngest is 5 so I couldn't have anyone here until I really felt I knew them.

I've got a 2nd date booked this week. He sends long, interesting and interested messages every evening, but I get nothing through the day. The conversation can be in full swing then just nothing until the next evening. I'm now starting to think this is sign that he's just not that interested, which is a shame because I like him. Unless I'm wanting too much? And he's just super relaxed about the whole thing? It's just odd how I can send something and then radio silence till 930 or so the next night. And I know I shouldn't look, but he is on WhatsApp all day. Am I rushing things/is it too much to want more contact?

I think this is the problem I'm going to have, I would like to know someone quite well before introducing to kids but I also don't have the freedom to go on several dates whenever I want. Unfortunately my ex is still a bit of a pain and will only see them on a Sunday afternoon and even then turns up at 3 or 4pm and hangs around for a few hrs then goes, and its never consistent. He very rarely has them over his house. My parents were my main childcare backup when I was desperate but they have now moved 70 miles away! I ideally would like to meet someone in real life but again as I don't go out too often this is unlikely so looks as though online dating is the only option...oh well I keep persevering!

Blimey, after writing that I realise I'm being a bit over the top. It's only been one date not sure why I've reverted to teenager mode

I'm checking the rules again.

I realised that my previous relationships, which were pretty much completely carried out over WhatsApp (much to my disappointment) were also pretty toxic. I've vowed to do things differently this time. So mustn't read too much into the texting thing. Must chill and let it develop at its own pace

Anothernew I have that issue too! I'm beginning to think it might just be a man thing... I guess I just like to talk to people I'm interested in and then you start doubting their interest etc because you can't work out why they don't want to talk to you allll day too but I'm trying to stop myself thinking about it too much

This whole dating thing is frustrating