Am I being unreasonable? Or is this woman literally the most pig-headed person in the world?

[user1498466918]

Bit of a long one here – sorry!

I met my fiancee when he was separated from his then-wife, with whom he has two kids. When we met they'd been living apart for a few months and were planning a divorce.

When we got together he told me about his situation, and explained that although he doesn't get on well with her, she's agreed to let him see the kids whenever he wants (she insisted on full custody when they split - saying that he could see them whenever he likes. He didn't have enough money to fight this and she's been as good as her word). He is a doting father.

After we'd been dating for a few months (while the divorce was being finalised) she agreed to let me meet their kids (now 7 and 5). She then abruptly changed her mind the day I was due to meet them. I was a bit frustrated by the whole situation (was weird never having met them and being in love with their father/hearing so much about them from him) but wanted to see things from her point of view and had only been with him for a few months anyway.

I assumed that she'd mellow with time. WRONG! Fast forward FOUR years (we've been living together for the last three).

Due to her demanding job, she lives abroad with the kids, and he visits them several times a year and Skypes them a few times a week. This is hardly ideal, but her work requires it and it works for now.

Things are always very awkward between them (the moment the kids go to bed they stop talking and ignore each other) but the kids seem to be happy and absolutely adore their dad.

She, however, has remained bitter to the last, refusing to let me meet them as this was just him being "selfish" and "not putting the kids first." We recently got engaged, and he messaged her to give her the news before it was made public so she'd have time to digest. From what I can see, he has really tried at every point to be amicable for the sake of the children, but she is having none of it.

Anyway, you'd think that now we were getting married I could meet the kids, but ... nope. Apparently she still "doesn't see how they could possibly benefit" from meeting me. He's tried explaining that I am a huge part of his life, am here to stay and that the kids could only benefit from getting to know me as I'LL BE AROUND FOR EVER, but she is having none of it. He is understandably really upset about this, but doesn't know what can be done apart from seek legal action and get joint custody rights (he's worried that if he goes against her wishes she can stop him from seeing the kids).

So what do I do? I've really REALLY tried seeing things from her point of view over the last few years, but this feels pretty absurd now. I mean, how can their kids not benefit from knowing such a large part of their fathers' life? And how will they feel when they find out that their mother has refused to allow them to meet their stepmother? Won't they be upset to not be involved in the wedding? Wouldn't it have been better to grow up knowing me rather than suddenly being told about me xxx years down the line?

What can I do? Am I being mad here? Is this woman as mad/bitter as I think, or am I being unreasonable?

Tips/ideas appreciated.

Thanks :)

Just to add, there's a real opportunity here for him (and you) to offer the DCs some consistency and stability. If he can do it now, he will reap the rewards when they are older.

Your DP should not be spending money on a wedding when he can't spend money on sorting out this custody mess.

My DC have 2 homes. This set is weird and really doesn't seem at all beneficial for anyone except the ex wife. How on earth can your DP build relationships with kids in this way?

I'd imagine it would be strange for the kids when there a little older and they still haven't met daddy's new wife.
Surely they will feel pushed out when you get married and they STILl haven't met you.
Next time he visits could you go and maybe stay in a hotel and meet them on 'home turf', maybe suggest a meal (dp, you, wife and her partner if she has one and the kids) and make it clear that you don't want to be there step mum and you'll never be there new mummy, you will only ever be .
Can understand her reluctance to let a 5 and 7yr old fly on there own, teenagers maybe, but not thatnyoing.

Kittens - yes
Chips -yes

She can't actually stop you meeting them
She can't stop his parents having a relationship with them
But if she's instilled enough fear in him in anyway then I'm sure he's going to go along with whatever she dictates.
It's a shitty situation and I feel for you.
They're going to have to contend with a lot in life, if you remain stable then at least in the future they will have that
All this "he walked out" bollocks is major projection from other posters.
I just feel sorry for the poor kids in this. A lost opportunity for a meaningful relationship in life with anyone is not a good thing

I think the dad needs legal advice.

Depending on what country ex and the kids live in, dad may not be allowed to bring the kids to the UK because some jurisdictions will assume that preserving the status quo is best for the kids and if dad has done this for a few years then it's best that he continues.
I've read a post on here about a UK mum trapped in Australia because her children with the Aussie husband have been living there for a few years so Australia is legally their home and they can't return to live in the UK.

I realise that the advice will only be relevant for 2 years at a time because she moves. It seems like dad considers legal process to be a last resort but it might be completely hopeless now that he's left it so long.

My dad had a job which meant moving countries regularly so I am that people don't believe it. International Schools have lots of movement because the typical expat contract is 2-3 years long and the difference between an expat and local contract can be massive. (No school fees paid etc)

I think that there's been some shocking misogyny on this thread. OP is not unreasonable for wanting to meet the kids and work towards a solution that involves her. While her presence may not make a massive difference as the kids have an involved mother already, it's not going to harm them is it? How can the kids have a deep relationship with dad without knowing OP?

Likewise the people who slagged off the mum who has a high-flying career and regular moves around the globe- shame on you. Would you rather she work part-time minimum wage jobs and claim benefits? The children will have had amazing adventures and experiences living overseas and it's great that the ex isn't spending all her maintenance on nails and hair 😂

I'm an ex-wife so possibly biased but I can't help but when my ex (and others that I know of) want change because their new woman is pushing for it rather than because they want it. I suspect that the xw suspects this push for change is coming from OP rather than her ex hence shutting it down. Dad really should have sorted this out earlier rather than been passive. I'm not saying that OP has made her fiancée ask for change. I'm suspecting that their conversations about this have been the catalyst and without her around he'd be young and droning.

Those of you who are posting about this horrible woman dragging the children here and there...

And saying he should get custody?!

He let her do that. If it's an awful thing to do, he facilitated it. This has suited him just fine in the past.

The sensible thing would have been for the sahf to stay at home and let her continue to move around. But he wanted to swan off in to the sunset with his new girlfriend. So he did.

Who said he should get custody?

I can't even begin to unravel your the mis info in your post Swedish.

Flumoybear actually asked the op if she/ her partner would consider trying for custody as did ohforfoxsake right above you.

what misinfo is in my post? Several posters have slate the ex for being 'selfish' for giving her children a chance to see the world while going to good schools.

I said custody split.

Swedish
" be a sahf and let her move round" ....err did the ex want that either?
" it suited him just fine" did it? Didn't suit him at all
" but he wanted to swan off into the sunset with his new girlfriend "
"And he did" no he didn't - the op has explained the difficult travel situation and how he maintains contact - you are just projecting some other story

Spiney if you were a stay at home parent to two young children and then split with your partner.

Would you allow your ex to not only have custody most of the year, but to move them around the world every two years?

I fucking wouldn't. I'd fight that shit Chuck Norris Style.

Which makes you wonder if this may have possibly had something to do with him meeting a new woman. Obviously not. of course not. Couldn't be.

Your'e right Swedish it's not what I'd do. But he's not me. Or you. And it takes all types. And the implication is that he should somehow be punished for something you think he has or has not done.

Rather than thinking about his children who deserve the best relationship they can have with him under the circumstances.

Op, I was actually a child in this situation and I have to say this seems all about what YOU want. If your dp really wanted you involved with his kids he would make it happen, open your eyes.
I can honestly say it was hard for my mum when my idiot father introduced me to the latest lady in his life but she let me make my own mind up. All I wanted was time alone with my dad when he did decide to make an appearance, but sure enough there was always a lady friend around trying too hard to be my best friend and generally getting in the way. It was pathetic and bloody annoying.
I am amazed you think they are missing out on not having you in their life! They don't even know you! Where kids are concerned leave your ego at the door, op.

OP, might also be worth paying this on the step parenting section

But OP he can't take legal action for YOU to see them You have ZERO parental responsibility. And I highly doubt he will get long periods of unsupervised contact/overnights under the circumstances (living so far away from the children's home etc and the current arrangement allowing him plentiful access.

You need to realise that you have no rights to these children! Even when you're married! Just leave them be

No, the ex shouldn't stop OP meeting his kids. But neither does she have any responsibility to arrange or enable it. That's down to DP. Ex isn't bitter and nasty because she doesn't want her 5 and 7 year old kids flying alone!
Sorry OP, but otherwise does sound like DP was happy enough with minimal contact before, so he shouldn't bitch about it now things aren't as you would like. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he was the SAHP when the kids were little? So of course the ex would maintain her career. Irrelevant whether it involves regular relocation.
The kids don't need to meet you, at this stage you're not going to play much of a part in their lives. It would be nice if you could, but this should be in a more supportive situation than either flying them unaccompanied or having you at the ex's place. What other options have you proposed?

There's more projection on this thread than I have ever seen before.
Truly astounding

This thread is bizarre.

How can anyone possibly be defending a woman not allowing her ex's fiancé to meet his kids? After years?

Is she planning on preventing them meeting...forever? If not, what's the problem with now?

Truly, truly weird.

The OP has said she would like to meet her future stepchildren (I am
using the legally appropriate phrase here before I get jumped on. In the eyes of the law once married to their father she is their stepmother 'on paper'.) I have two stepchildren but refer to them as my husband's children to others. By law however they are considered as my stepchildren as I am married to their father.... (for those mums who get all aggravated by this title. I have no interest in parenting my husband's children - they have two parents. Doesn't make my title different though. Same for OP).

It is wholly appropriate given the passage of time and status of the relationship that OP should meet the children (albeit it would be on a limited basis that the current visitation allows) and it's actually 'odd' for her not to! To not even meet them is absolute pettiness and bitterness on behalf of their mother and yes the father needs to stand up to his ex.

BUT. Why on earth are posters on here attacking OP for her wanting to do the right and proper thing by meeting her future husband's children? She isn't saying she wants to play 'mum' and probably has no desire to! Why is everyone being so presumptive and gone straight on the attack? (as usual!)

OP, find other stepparenting forums, there is so much venom on here sometimes with people projecting their own frustrations about 'stepparenting' it's unbelievable.

Not allowing the children to meet their dads wife, who he lives with , who he plans to spend the rest of his life with will prevent a close relationship between the dad and kids as they are separated from a huge part of his life (his wife). A good relationship with her is important not just now but into adulthood and having their own children. It's unlikely they will bring their kids to see grandad if they have no relationship with his wife. She's not going to be a new wife for long it's just his wife and it's up to him who he introduces his children to.

Agree the projection on this thread is bizarre.If the ex is preventing the children from meeting the OP then she is in the wrong. Whether the husband left when they were young is irrelevant. It is even irrelevant if she was the OW, yes hurt feelings may have been involved but this is now about the children not the mother. But given the OP has been in the man's life for four years and they are planning to get married, to suggest that she shouldn't want to meet his children is odd in the extreme.

I do maintain however that if the partner had wanted his new partner to meet his DC he would have made it happen by now. I don't buy these stories of how afraid all these poor men are to challenge the status quo for fear the ex kicks off. Yes if they have experience of being turned down by the courts perhaps but he has no experience of that, has simply accepted that this is how it is and now goes and plays happy families with his ex wife a few times a year. If he has minimal contact with his children then this is because he's happy with that arrangement, and he's compartmentalised his life to the extent that he has children somewhere, and a partner somewhere, and never the two shall meet.

OP is not wrong for feeling that after four years she should have met his children. But she needs to get her head out of the sand and realise that the reason she hasn't met his children is because he doesn't want her to. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

So every two years the ex takes two kids out of school and moves them into another, every two years this happens, really?

I agree again with Wanna, I think the arrangement suits this man nice and dandy.

I also don't think anyone is saying the OP should not meet his kids, I assume she has if he skypes regularly? It's not like she's a hidden secret surely.

I think the ex is wrong but who knows what her reasons are, we don't actually know.

I just don't see how the OP not meeting them face to face is harming them in any way; I also think this is more about what the OP wants, nothing wrong with that either; maybe in time OP, once married she will give a bit, especially as the children will be getting older.

OP i would consider it a blessing in disguise if i were you. Sounds like keeping out of the way will be best. I don't see that your dp needs much 'support' with his dc if he only visits them a handful of times a year.

Providing he talks about you and your lives to your dc they will make their own minds up about if they want to meet you and when they are old enough not not need their mothers 'permission' then that can happen.

it sounds like you dp will have little scope to upset the apple cart now seeing as he has pandered to the exw's demands.

My dh has been in a similar situation. Exw woudl not let the dc meet me, attend out wedding etc. he went to court for contact three times and she broke it each time. It costs £1600 a time to take her back to court. each time they had contact with me there would be some kind of incident, police involvement etc.

For a quiet life I now stay out of his dc lives. He sees them eow when they stay at his mums. Its not ideal but as far as dh is concerned its better than not seeing them at all. Exw is happy as they don;t have anything to do with me / my dc / our home and family life.

Of course his kids are entirely screwed up and don't understand.

To be honest i'm ok with it now. No hassle from the exw, no disruption for me and my dc and my dh gets to spend a day a fortnight with his dc, which is a hell of a lot better than not seeing them for 4 months at a time in between court hearings when she witheld contact.