Am I being unreasonable? Or is this woman literally the most pig-headed person in the world?

[user1498466918]

Bit of a long one here – sorry!

I met my fiancee when he was separated from his then-wife, with whom he has two kids. When we met they'd been living apart for a few months and were planning a divorce.

When we got together he told me about his situation, and explained that although he doesn't get on well with her, she's agreed to let him see the kids whenever he wants (she insisted on full custody when they split - saying that he could see them whenever he likes. He didn't have enough money to fight this and she's been as good as her word). He is a doting father.

After we'd been dating for a few months (while the divorce was being finalised) she agreed to let me meet their kids (now 7 and 5). She then abruptly changed her mind the day I was due to meet them. I was a bit frustrated by the whole situation (was weird never having met them and being in love with their father/hearing so much about them from him) but wanted to see things from her point of view and had only been with him for a few months anyway.

I assumed that she'd mellow with time. WRONG! Fast forward FOUR years (we've been living together for the last three).

Due to her demanding job, she lives abroad with the kids, and he visits them several times a year and Skypes them a few times a week. This is hardly ideal, but her work requires it and it works for now.

Things are always very awkward between them (the moment the kids go to bed they stop talking and ignore each other) but the kids seem to be happy and absolutely adore their dad.

She, however, has remained bitter to the last, refusing to let me meet them as this was just him being "selfish" and "not putting the kids first." We recently got engaged, and he messaged her to give her the news before it was made public so she'd have time to digest. From what I can see, he has really tried at every point to be amicable for the sake of the children, but she is having none of it.

Anyway, you'd think that now we were getting married I could meet the kids, but ... nope. Apparently she still "doesn't see how they could possibly benefit" from meeting me. He's tried explaining that I am a huge part of his life, am here to stay and that the kids could only benefit from getting to know me as I'LL BE AROUND FOR EVER, but she is having none of it. He is understandably really upset about this, but doesn't know what can be done apart from seek legal action and get joint custody rights (he's worried that if he goes against her wishes she can stop him from seeing the kids).

So what do I do? I've really REALLY tried seeing things from her point of view over the last few years, but this feels pretty absurd now. I mean, how can their kids not benefit from knowing such a large part of their fathers' life? And how will they feel when they find out that their mother has refused to allow them to meet their stepmother? Won't they be upset to not be involved in the wedding? Wouldn't it have been better to grow up knowing me rather than suddenly being told about me xxx years down the line?

What can I do? Am I being mad here? Is this woman as mad/bitter as I think, or am I being unreasonable?

Tips/ideas appreciated.

Thanks :)

The ex should be making just as much effort in flying the kids over as its her job the reason why they are abroad, A child has a right to know where they come from.

My ex walked out on me with a small baby and toddler and didn't bother at all went on to have two more kids doesn't mean I spend the rest of my life being bitter about it. 4 years later still going on she sounds like she needs therapy.

Great post Wanna.

Unfortunately for every unbeliveably feckless dad who is uninvolved financially and emotionally with their DC, there are mothers who are unbelievably spiteful and vindictive and ALWAYS will be.

I know it's not the done thing on here to ever suggest women can be in the wrong but sometimes they really fucking are. The situation the OP describes is the tip of the iceberg...I know first hand of children being moved to a different address without dad being told, there by preventing contact, and school refusing to give any info 'as mum said not to' even though dad had PR. Or a truly horrendous situation where the fact a child had become gravely, indeed terminally ill was concealed and mum persuaded various bodies to conspire with her in concealing that info.

So I'd tell the OP that they should get something legally agreed. But even if it is then don't expect their mum to adhere to it.

Totally agree wannabe

That's awful velvet, Its so sad

Moving your kids every two years is selfish as fuck so she clearly doesn't have their best interests at heart anyway

Plenty of people in the forces do this. It's very common. Are you saying as parents they should not be in the military? You also don't know if she was in this role before they decided to have children or even when he married her. It would appear it's highly possible, they clearly decided to have a second child whilst this was the case.

I don't know what she does, but it could be she is military,

The ex should be making just as much effort in flying the kids over as its her job the reason why they are abroad, A child has a right to know where they come from.

Eh I think they know who their mum and dad are, why the dramatics?

She does fly over with them, if you read the post properly. Why the fuck should she be making as much effort as him when he's the one who left the country they were living in, sorry but I'm not buying this every two years thing, so the kids are constantly moving schools every two years, yeah, nah, sorry I smell shite.

What dramatics adora? I didn't see where op says she fly's them over? Only that he did?

OP if you are new to MN you need to now that a lot of people project their own situations on here rather than giving sensible advice such as 'you are unnecessary to the children's lives' 'you are only their dads partner' . Almost all step mothers are regarded as heartless floozies who have taken a loving father away from his DW and dcs and should be treated with unconcealed contempt at worst and as a total irrelevance at best.... bitter ? I don't think you sound harsh at all and bitter is the EXACT word to use for a woman who prohibits his partner from meeting especially as they are only 5&7 and will have absolutely no memory of mum and dad ever being together.

I can't believe that some people were seriously advocating you remaining a secret. They are 5&7 ffs! If that were to remain the case and they finally come over to the UK at 18 just how fucked up would you feel to discover your father had had a partner /wife almost your entire life but had never mentioned her and you had never met her.
MN is a parallel universe sometimes where the truly bonkers attempt to normalise the battiest behaviour imaginable.

Back on planet earth this man is the child's father and he needs to grow a pair and get some legal advice. Children cannot be held hostage to one parents whims like this. It is more complicated because of the abroad situation.

1. Are both parents from U.K. ?
2. Are the dc British passport holders?
3. Are they in a Hague convention country

I would seriously advice posting the bare bones of this situation in 'Legal' (how can DH enforce his child contact with dcs abroad) with the questions 1-3 answered . That way you can get some good, accurate non-hysterical advice from some very clever legal beagles who have experience of this type of nonsense.

Good luck !

That the kids have a right to know where they come from, I am sure they do or at least will be told when able to understand, nobody is saying she is denying their roots.

If you go back and read, you will see it quite plainly that she flies over with them, I'd not let my five and seven year old fly on their own either (yes I know they can).

Oh no she said they had been the contact seems to mostly be from him flying over

Sound advice there kittens

I'm getting totally confused now. I don't even know what kittens attack is about. I thought all that was being said to the op was unless she took a court case there is a high chance this woman will continue like this and it will only change when the kids get older?

Why are some folks diving off the deep end about the treatment of step mothers by mumsnetters, kittens post being the weirdest?

Wait, I've missed it......

Do the kids even know you exist?

I feel bad for both you and your DP, the only person benefitting from not telling the kids about you/not letting you meet them is his ex. It's a strange situation that will only get worse as the kids get older and ask more questions about Daddy. I have no advice other than to wait it out All you can do when the kids are old enough to decide to meet you is to put your side of the story across without being nasty about their mum.

What job would involve a move exactly every two years?

Some of this is horrible.
Wanna: his children know about me, in the sense that he's explained "daddy is living with Xxxx" and "mummy and daddy are apart", etc. In what world does him wanting to spend time with them in their own house and (shock! Horror!) put them to bed when he's there mean that "his children aren't important to him" (!) or that he's "still seeing his ex"? Sometimes, things are exactly what they seem and there's no conspiracy behind everything. And btw (can't remember who posted this, sorry) they DO move every 2 years - including going to new international schools each time. Trust me, I wouldn't make any of this shit up.

Yes, but that's only part of the story, he walked out on two very young children and decided to set up home with the op. That's a much bigger part of the story in my view

bluntness that's not what happened at all from the OPs many posts she stated they split up and it was mutual, therefore he never "walked out" the OP met him some months later when the divorce was going through. And they then decided not to follow the ex all around the world on her jobs and set up home in the U.K, quite understandably who would want to follow their ex around for the next 20 years, his life seems to be dictated enough by the ex without his choice of living arrangements being enforced as well.

I maybe reading a different thread, this is what I see.

So he effectively left his kids and moved countries to live with you, I'm not criticising but perhaps that's got something to do with her feelings also

yes, you could look at it that way, but the alternative was to follow her around the world every two years. Not an easy situation. And despite loving him very much, would have understood completely if he wanted to try and make it work with her - but their marriage was irreparably damaged before we even met, so that wasn't an option

I think the outrage over the treatment of stepmothers is the fact that there are posters saying that the children don't need to meet the OP, that she won't be a part of their lives, that not having her in their life is going to be of no consequence to them.

Ah, ok thanks wannabe.

Yes I think you are reading a different thread bluntness if you can't see all that bitter rubbish posted.

Op don't feel you have to explain yourself anymore, I feel for you, Its a shitty position to be in,

Surely the father is having as much contact as he can practically manage at the moment? What he is struggling with is his ex holding him to unrealistic promises about not introducing the children to the OP. The ex holds all the cards here, as contact takes place in her house. Surely the first step is to have contact in his own place, a hotel or self catering or whatever is available where the children are. Then have contact without his ex present. If she won't agree to that then he will know that's the problem that needs addressing.

OP, the DCs should have a home with their father. He should be providing that. Yes, that includes you but she's going to have to get over that.

The problem here isn't you (insomuch that their Dad has a partner) it's that they don't have a home with him. Is he scared of rocking the boat with his XP?

He needs to talk about a custody split. And that may need to involve mediation, solicitor and/or a court.

My DD said to me yesterday 'I thought I'd have two homes but I dont'. XH has not provided a home for his DCs and now they are older they feel it.

Things change and move on, but only if they are made to happen.