Am I being unreasonable? Or is this woman literally the most pig-headed person in the world?

[user1498466918]

Bit of a long one here – sorry!

I met my fiancee when he was separated from his then-wife, with whom he has two kids. When we met they'd been living apart for a few months and were planning a divorce.

When we got together he told me about his situation, and explained that although he doesn't get on well with her, she's agreed to let him see the kids whenever he wants (she insisted on full custody when they split - saying that he could see them whenever he likes. He didn't have enough money to fight this and she's been as good as her word). He is a doting father.

After we'd been dating for a few months (while the divorce was being finalised) she agreed to let me meet their kids (now 7 and 5). She then abruptly changed her mind the day I was due to meet them. I was a bit frustrated by the whole situation (was weird never having met them and being in love with their father/hearing so much about them from him) but wanted to see things from her point of view and had only been with him for a few months anyway.

I assumed that she'd mellow with time. WRONG! Fast forward FOUR years (we've been living together for the last three).

Due to her demanding job, she lives abroad with the kids, and he visits them several times a year and Skypes them a few times a week. This is hardly ideal, but her work requires it and it works for now.

Things are always very awkward between them (the moment the kids go to bed they stop talking and ignore each other) but the kids seem to be happy and absolutely adore their dad.

She, however, has remained bitter to the last, refusing to let me meet them as this was just him being "selfish" and "not putting the kids first." We recently got engaged, and he messaged her to give her the news before it was made public so she'd have time to digest. From what I can see, he has really tried at every point to be amicable for the sake of the children, but she is having none of it.

Anyway, you'd think that now we were getting married I could meet the kids, but ... nope. Apparently she still "doesn't see how they could possibly benefit" from meeting me. He's tried explaining that I am a huge part of his life, am here to stay and that the kids could only benefit from getting to know me as I'LL BE AROUND FOR EVER, but she is having none of it. He is understandably really upset about this, but doesn't know what can be done apart from seek legal action and get joint custody rights (he's worried that if he goes against her wishes she can stop him from seeing the kids).

So what do I do? I've really REALLY tried seeing things from her point of view over the last few years, but this feels pretty absurd now. I mean, how can their kids not benefit from knowing such a large part of their fathers' life? And how will they feel when they find out that their mother has refused to allow them to meet their stepmother? Won't they be upset to not be involved in the wedding? Wouldn't it have been better to grow up knowing me rather than suddenly being told about me xxx years down the line?

What can I do? Am I being mad here? Is this woman as mad/bitter as I think, or am I being unreasonable?

Tips/ideas appreciated.

Thanks :)

"she has never prevented him from speaking to/seeing the children - just me!"......and you need look no further than this. Bitter woman with the "I don't want him, but I don't want you having him either". She can't stop your relationship with her ex husband, so she's going all out to make sure you never have one with his children. Truly, you need to support your fiancé in getting everything on a legal footing. It really is the only way to deal with this amount of spite.

Some of the responses you have had have been appalling. Conspiracy theories worthy of a soap opera. I stopped reading at your being called his "squeeze". Strange way to spell fiancé. Good luck with your wedding.

Moving every two years is dreadfully unsettling for the children - would he/you consider trying to get custody of them so you think? Perhaps that's what she's frightened of actually, thinking about it!?

Was it never discussed that the children live with your partner, and the ex move around on her own every two years? She could visit them and see them during holidays etc. Just wonder if that was ever discussed?

It is going to more difficult now, because he gave up residency of the children and left them to live in another country. Plus if she really does move on every 2 years you might be dealing with a different country's laws each time.

Thanks AutumnRose8 - appreciated! :)
Flumpybear- agree it's not ideal, but want what's best for them - which is with her. Have discussed the other option too, but would have the same problem the other way round re locations, and would never want to do anything to damage the relationship with their mother. Right now he's doing everything he can to be there for them - visiting as much as possible and speaking regularly. Just wish he could properly involve them in his life, which is with me (to an extent - not wanting to get between anyone!) and his parents, who she doesn't like and are not allowed to see them without her either. I have 4 half brothers I adore and have a wonderful relationship with, and just feel sad that his kids may not have this opportunity - even though I don't want kids of my own, we are still a (small) family, and I want to support my fiancée in having the best relationship he can with his kids/ex. Maybe time will help, though as we've been saying that for four years now not holding out a huge amount of hope :/

Surely the answer is for the children to spend some of the school holidays living with him? His relationship with them needs to be independent of her.

Ohforfoxsake: that would be great, but as I "can't" meet them would need to get around the fact we live together...

Isn't that where gradually developing the relationship between the children and their father will lead, eventually? So if he has them on his own, you can "meet" them via Skype and don't have to ask permission from their mother. Although I'm guessing she either won't agree to him having them on his own, or she'll try and place restrictions on it that you aren't to be involved at all. It would be interesting to see what she says if next time he visits he arranges to stay somewhere else with room for the two children to stay with him.

Honestly, for the kids I'd leave it alone until they are a bit older and once you are both married and she can see that you are not going anywhere, they are not being damaged OP, sorry but it sounds like this is more for your benefit that theirs, they are quite happy and are very young, they probably don't even think about you, no offence.

Just give it time, they will soon want to meet you I am sure, I just hope the ex is over her bitterness by then.

Another poster who apparently knows the children's feelings
The exs feelings and control issues shouldnt come above the father and children's relationship, They should get real time with their father not made to stay at his ex's its ridiculous, And she's doing it because she knows she can get away with it.

Sorry but how can a 5 and 7 year old have feelings towards a woman they have never met, it's not knowing their feelings, they don't have any in that respect.

The OPs partner has allowed this to go on for four years and seemed quite happy to stay over at hers when visiting; I don't think that is the issue; it's probably cheaper and more convenient for him when visiting, he does not live there.

I hope when they are married the ex will relent and allow her kids to go to him and stay, she might even realise this gives her a well earned break!

Ah op. Then yes she sees you as the other woman and that's why she is behaving like this.

Unless he goes for a court order, then I doubt she will change her mind. She was left with very young children indeed. Until the kids get old enough to decide for themselves, I think uou need to wear it.

I'd also say I think your thread title is quite callous based on what actually happened.

Yeah sorry I also read it as him leaving her and the kids to start a new life with you in another country.

But you don't know do u adora? Do u really think the kids don't wonder what daddy's house is like? What its like where he lives when he Skype's them he is obviously at home, they are at ages were its likely those questions are asked why should he have to hide his life from them because their mum says so, Its pathetic

As loopyloppy said - If this were the other way round half the posters on here would be appalled at the prospect of children not meeting the 'new husband' or 'stepfather'.

As is usual on here...stepmother battering. If the OP was saying she had a great relationship with the children in question she would be 'standing on mum's toes'.

Can't. Ever. Win.

It might be pathetic, but if she thinks the marriage could have been repaired if the op hadn't come on the scene it's understandable. Their youngest was less than a year old. I can imagine it wasn't an easy time once he took the decision not to go back to her and to move on with the op.

They should get real time with their father not made to stay at his ex's its ridiculous.

But how else can 'real time with their father' be managed for a five and seven year old who live in a different country to him, see him only a few times a year and can't know him that well, other than staying with his ex in their family home abroad?

My five year old has only just began spending time by himself with his grandparents in my home country not dissimilar situation, in fact, as he sees them maybe five times a year in person, and talks most days on Skype, though he's has often stayed at their house with me and even then, there has been one occasion where we've had to abort and DH had to fly over to get him, because he got very homesick, and a relationship that's primarily on Skype isn't the same as seeing someone regularly. Neither child will remember the time when their father lived with them, after all.

Maybe staying with their father for the school holidays will happen when they're older, but they're very young to be overseas away from their main parent. And it's possible that schooling will mean that they will eventually settle for longer in a country, too, and the OP and her DH will have to decide whether they will live there for the sake of being closer to them.

Also, I can think of two people I know who kept their new relationships transcontinental for years for the sake of being near their children. One couple I know have only just begun to live on the same continent after being married for eight years, because the person with children of school age didn't want to disrupt their lives or take them away from their other parent, despite the other parent not being very involved.

But you don't know do u adora? Do u really think the kids don't wonder what daddy's house is like? What its like where he lives when he Skype's them he is obviously at home, they are at ages were its likely those questions are asked why should he have to hide his life from them because their mum says so, Its pathetic

Erm I think you will find by reading the thread that the OP got with this man a few months after he split from his wife.

How is he hiding his life from them, they wonder what his house is like, sure he can show them when Skyping no or show them pics on his phone, fgs?

Stop twisting my words, I said the kids will not be bothered about meeting his girlfriend (now fiancée) at ages 5 and 7.

The dad decided to leave the Country his kids were in and set up home with OP in another country, nothing wrong with that no but I can see where the ex is coming from also.

I think once their relationship is cemented by marriage she may start to lessen her bitterness, who knows!

I think once their relationship is cemented by marriage she may start to lessen her bitterness, who knows!

I guess it depends on just how hurt she was by it, how hard it was working and bringing up two very young children on her own, away from any family supper system, and what type of person she is,

She's clearly very fucked off though,

As is usual on here...stepmother battering

She's hardly that is she, she's never bloody met them!

Step mother, what a joke, he only sees his kids a few times a year.

But bluntness the op didn't say that that happened did she?
Its not understandable at all to let your bitterness seep through to your children where it effects the relationship with their father.
He decided not to follow her around and have to move every two years because of a job his ex decides to do.
I would never expect an ex to follow me around and have to move every two years because of a decision I had made to do a job. Its ridiculous. And totally understandable.

She pretty much did in her last posts..,?

He decided not to follow her around and have to move every two years because of a job his ex decides to do

Yes, but that's only part of the story, he walked out on two very young children and decided to set up home with the op. That's a much bigger part of the story in my view.

Moving your kids every two years is selfish as fuck so she clearly doesn't have their best interests at heart anyway.

Yeah, and there's never two sides to every story is there.....

Now the ex is going to be bashed as a bad mother, Jesus wept.

People saying that the mother has the right to decide whether the children meet the new partner are being ridiculous. No, she shouldn't have the right to decide and neither would the father be considered allowed to decide if they could meet their mother's new partner.

Plenty of people end relationships where there are young children involved, even women do it, hell, some women even end relationships when they're pregnant and no-one judges them for dating other men before the baby is even born, yet a man does it and the new partner should be considered the OW and the mother's wishes should be put above the children? I don't think so.

But the one in the wrong here is the father. Because if he genuinely wanted his children to meet his new partner then he would have pushed that by now and he hasn't. He left the country his children lived in and moved to the OP's country to live with her. He travels alone back to see his ex and his children and stays with them during that time, and not once has he thought that marrying another woman and potentially starting a family with her might be detremental to the children he already has?

I would bet pound to a penny that the children don't actually know that their parents are separated and that the dad plays happy families with his ex while he's there, staying in her house all together as a family? Doing the bedtime routines etc?

If I'm wrong and the ex is driving this then I would be questioning why the man hasn't challenged it, and how he expects to start a family with the OP when he has children who don't even know about her let alone that they're going to be starting a life together, and how he thinks they could ever be married and potentially have their own children when the existing children he has are bound to be devastated if they were to find out he has a whole new family they don't know about. and anyone who thinks that the children wouldn't be affected by that are living in cloud cuckoo land. You really think that children wouldn't be affected to find out somewhere down the line that their father has a new wife and they potentially have new siblings they've never met? Really? What planet are some of you on?

But tbh this all sounds such a mess that I wouldn't want to be a part of it. And I certainly wouldn't want to be building my own life and family with a man who goes back to stay at his ex wife's house on a regular basis, to play happy families with children who didn't even know that I existed. OP if I were you I would walk away now. The reason he doesn't introduce you to his children is because he doesn't want you to meet them. Either because he's still in a relationship with his ex or because he doesn't see you as his long term future, or because his children aren't that important to him. Either way he's clearly only got his own interests at heart. Please don't marry him, and don't ever consider having children with him.