To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Nobody here can believe her sister (or her father for that matter), you don't know these people. Many people lie and if you're unfortunate enough to be around one they may make up despicable lies about you. Many people abuse and if you're unfortunate enough to be vulnerable to them then they'll may abuse you.

Nobody knows what happens here, you can't say a stranger you've never met is guilty of a crime because another stranger you've ever met claims they did. Your ideology may tell you that everybody who has an allegation against them is guilty and that everybody who makes an allegation is truthful. That's simply bullshit. Which is why we have a criminal justice system with trained investigators, legal teams and juries.

I have some questions about the statistics.

What percentage of the accusations included in the studies originated from adults (referring to abuse of themselves in their childhood), as opposed to accusations from children (and adults acting on their behalf) while still in childhood ?

And of that "former child" sub set, what is the break down between accusations reported to the authorities, and those that were made in an unofficial capacity ?

When claims are broken down into sub groups does the rate of false accusation stay pretty much the same, or is it more uneven ?

I hope if you have children, you never ever leave them alone with your parents.

I believe your sister.

Very few people lie about abuse, Hildaog. The statistics bear this out.

I know a few who have. I've met people who lie very convincingly about everything. There are plenty of abused people, there are also plenty of lied about ones and the purpose of the justice system is to decide who is telling the truth.

You don't know anymore than I do who is the victim between these people you've never met.

HildaOg, exactly. It is absolutely preposterous for anyone here to claim with certainty who is and who isn't the victim here. It's bizarre.

I know a few who have.

Well I stand corrected, that's better than stats, your anecdotal evidence.

The stats still show that people lie.

And if liars were so non existent, none of us would ever have met one. If false allegations were non existent, none of us would ever have met someone on the receiving end of one. I've had people lie to my face about things I know didn't happen because I was there but your ideology tells you that everybody who has ever had an allegation made about them is guilty and all people who make allegations are telling the truth. You're blatently wrong but who cares about truth, reality, people, it's the ideology that's important.

And if liars were so non existent, none of us would ever have met one

How silly. This is not an adult statement to make. I prefer to deal with facts/stats (ex teacher). The stats show absolute majority do not lie about such abuse.

The majority don't but some do and nobody knows which category ops dad and her sister are in. It's idiotic for everyone to say that a stranger they never met is guilty because their ideology tells them that another stranger they never met must be telling the truth.

Ideology tells them?

Yes, that's it

But facts/the stats show that it is not uncommon for there to be false claims of child abuse. People do lie about being abused.

Someone asked about whether the stats made clear whether the allegations originated from the child or the adult. I don't know and regardless, the point is simply that people do lie - whether child or adult and there is a chance that the stepfather is innocent. Deciding he is guilty on the flawed assumption that a child or adult would never lie about child abuse is bizarre. Furthermore, for what it's worth, from the OP's posts, her sister made this allegation as an adult.

The majority do tell the truth but there is a substantial minority that don't.

Even if the sister is lying, and the accusations are completely unfounded, what the mother is asking is very wrong. Even if the sister is a mentally unwell liar, cutting her and her children out for life, and then involving your other daughter in twisting the knife from beyond your grave is vindictive. It is really hard to imagine a functional, loving family behaving like this- which is possibly why some posters are inclined to believe that the abuse did occur. Even if it didn't, and the op remains convinced her sister is a liar I really hope she DOESN'T obey her mother in this regard, and can find it within herself to act compassionately in this difficult time.

Deciding he is guilty on the flawed assumption that a child or adult would never lie about child abuse is bizarre

Nobody said an adult or child would never lie about abuse.

Yes, quite so, Squishysquashy

Why should she not adhere to her mother's wishes?

The mother wanted nothing to do with her daughter in life and she wants the same in depth.

It is very sad but it might be for the best all around. If I was the OP's sister, I would not want to know. I'd just think 'we'll have it your way'.

Very, very sad regardless of the rights and wrongs.

I am inclined to believe the sister because being a perfectionist and stable UNTIL she had counselling and then making the accusations sounds more to me like someone who was abused than someone who was not. But none of us here can say with 100% certainty that the sister is telling the truth just that it appears more plausible that she is telling the truth than if she is lying.

Regardless, OP, your mother is placing an awful burden of responsibility on you which is terribly unfair. The only thing that should guide you in this situation is your own conscience. I don't think the dead should get a say in the relationships of the living.

She might not adhere to her mother's wishes because he mother will be dead and the OP might be a less vindictive person than her mother appears to be.

Windy polar, it has been said that the OP's sister must be telling the truth and her step father must be guilty. So on what basis have you and others deemed who must be the victim and who must be guilty? It must be on the flawed logic that no one lies about being victims of child abuse.

How do you determine that the mother is vindictive? The mother may simply want to protect the family from any drama that attending the funeral may cause.

The mother doesn't want her to come to the funeral and she does not want her to know the location of the grave. The OP is free to tell her sister about the death.

Deciding he is guilty on the flawed assumption that a child or adult would never lie about child abuse is bizarre

Nobody said an adult or child would never lie about abuse. Do try reading the thread, Another.

"Why should she not adhere to her mother's wishes?"
Because the mother will not be around to suffer any of the fall out her death will cause. It is her daughters who will have to bear the burden. She has no right to control her daughters' contact with each other in the future.
And the op's sister WILL find out about her mother's death sooner or later. The op has the opportunity to allow her to find out in the gentlest way possible; not be blindsided by facebook/some oblivious friend of a friend of a cousin letting slip at some point in the future. If she does find out that way, she will have to deal with the notion that her whole family hated her too much to tell her (and that is how she will see it). On top of everything else she may have to deal with (and even if she is lying she must be have some pretty heavy mental health issues), can you imagine how the weight of that hatred will feel?
Has the sister not suffered enough? How much more miserable does she have to be made for the mother to feel avenged of the "unforgivable lie"? Will the op's mother only be happy if her estranged daughter is driven to suicide?

Well the mother wants her death to be kept a secret, and her place of burial. That's much more than just wanting to have a calm funeral.

The sister has been NC for a decade. It's not like she's been harassing the family (or the OP would have said so).

Honestly, I'm struggling to think of any non-vindictive reason to insist that your own child is not informed of your death at all.