To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

My first thought was also that your sister could well be telling the truth.

Regardless, I'd tell her about your mother's death and the burial site. The only doubt for me would be to tell her before or after the funeral.

I'd make this a family decision, after your mother passes away, because it's the family who will have to deal with your sister and will be grieving.

Quotation from the OP: She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies

And the OP's question is whether she should just tell her anyway:
Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

So not simply about funerals. But actually wanting to keep the fact that she's dead a secret from her daughter.

Your poor sister. This is horrible.

You may be struggling to conceive of a reason other than the mother being vindictive but I'm not. The daughter could equally be a vindictive person and the mother wants to avoid the rest of the family being faced with a messy funeral.

I read the rest of the OP's posts in context of the first. Of course she does not want her to know WHEN she dies because she might turn up at the funeral. Not that she does not want her to ever know that she has passed. It is also interesting that the mother does not want her burial site to be known. This suggests she is worried that her daughter may do something unseemly. My first thought is not that she wants to deny her daughter a place to grieve. The mother is worried about something to go that far to ask that a place of burial be kept a secret.

For some reason people are judging people they don't know rather than accept either side could be at fault and equally either side could be telling the truth. We don't know.

Let your mother rest in peace. They are her wishes. She must have good reason.

'She must have good reason'.

Yeah, so that the general public can carry on in the belief that the sister brought it on herself/was troubled, rather than admitting that she said she was abused by her step father. Disgusting.

OP, if you have a good relationship with your mum and feel uncomfortable about what she has asked of you, can you not discuss it with her? Perhaps there is a compromise here ... eg agree not to tell your sister when your mum dies, but that after an interval that feels right to you, you can tell her?

I'm really surprised at some of these responses. No contact means no contact. Other people are not entitled to information about your health or death. It's simply respecting someone's wishes and privacy.

If you don't want to see someone when they are alive why on earth do you want to be contacted to be told of funeral arrangements?
I was contacted when my estranged dad died. Considering I didn't want to see him when he was alive I didn't want to see him dead either.

She must have good reason?

For cutting her innocent grandchildren out of her life then claiming to suffer for it?

I find this thread bizarre - why on earth are people speculating about what the your sister and stepfather did or didn't do in complete absence of the facts? Talk about projection.

Personally, I think your mother has no right to impose this 'rule' on you - esp regarding never telling your sister. It will leave you with guilt whatever you do, and you don't deserve that. I'd tell your mother she is being out of line.

For those quoting facts about those who lie, perhaps it would be more useful to have more detail rather than merely saying people lie. Lying is very very rare (take into consideration that even those who have been abused can struggle to prove it, and many I've worked with have spent years trying to believe it wasn't true, dissociating, thinking they are evil and have misremembered when actually they haven't - there have been times when clients have told others they've lied to stop the process rather than actually lying ) so I do wonder how accurate the stats are. But even if they are true, the stats show it Is unusual. It is much less likely than someone telling the truth

MadMags
I'm sure her mother did not make this decision based on a whim and fancy. Of course she must have had good reasons and they are her reasons. We may disagree or question her reasons but to assume she had no good reason is ridiculous.

The mother is not asking the OP to do anything. She is asking her to not to something. The OP is not being obliged to call or contact her sister. The mother's wishes should be respected in death. It is a sad world where we are made to think that our dying requests will be trampled on simply because we are dead.

In life and death, the OP's mother want nothing to do with her daughter. Very sad but why would the estranged daughter want to forge some sort of connection after death?

Less likely but not unusual. There is a significant minority. Do no, it is not unusual but yes, it is less likely that accusations of abuse are lies. Nevertheless, to sit in an armchair and claim that the OP's father is guilty and the daughter must by default be telling the truth is ridiculous.

*so no, not unusual

I don't think it matters whther the sister is telling the truth

The OP does not know for sure

She must make her own decision

What is very wrong (IMO) is for the mother to dictate what goes on after her death

But people dictate what goes on after their death all the time. How is that unreasonable? People have wills, they dictate what happens to their money, their body, their assets, their pets, and even in some cases their children.

Anotheroneofthese - yes, people can dictate what happens to their stuff to some degree (wills have been overturned by courts and families can just decide amongst themselves to devide money differently if they don't think it's fair/right) - but they don't get to control other people's relationships from beyond the grave, so by refusing to allow the sister to be told, the mother is ensuring the OP can't talk to her sister after death.

I would presume the mother worries the sister will either make a scene at the funeral (but then why not say she can't be told until after the funeral, why not at all?), or is worried the sister will go to the police once her mother can no longer be hurt by that (regardless of if the mother thinks the sister's alligations are true or false).

I am literally your sister. (Not literally but as in I've experienced what she's experienced).

I categorically think you should tell her if your mother dies. If you include details of the funeral then fine, and if you don't include the details and she asks you for them then I think you should tell her.

I'm presuming I might be told if my mother dies. Or for all I know she has died. Anyway, not that I'd go to the funeral but it would make me think "hooray" and it would be a good thing for me to know.

A very delicate situation though. And you're plonk in the middle of it so you're in a shitty spot and it's not nice to be the go-between. Or the don't-go-between, as the case may be.

I have been NC with my "Mother", half siblings and all other family members for 30 years. (Very similar circumstances to OP's half sister but I definitely didn't have MH issues)

Not sure who is still alive although I discovered accidentally - via the internet - that maternal GM died about 12 years ago and an uncle died 2 years ago. Mother will be in her 80's if she is still alive. Have I ever wanted to know? Have I hell! That ship sailed about 25 years ago.
I suspect OP's half sister may well feel the same by now.

There is no way in hell they will be informed if/when I pop my clogs either. As far as I am concerned I have been an orphan for over half my life. (Never knew my father anyway.). The happiest 30 years of my life.

IMO, shouldn't be any problem with OP "Respecting DM's wishes" anyway as it sounds as if DM is just being narcissistic. I doubt her long lost "DD" gives a flying fig!!

We don't know if OP's sister lies or tells the truth and therefore, shouldn't attack her. It's a 50/50 at the moment unless OP could give us a little bit more information.

Anotheroneofthose

These are adult relationships and she has no *legal8 right to dictate them, unlike your examples. In addition, I think that it paints her in a bad light, morally..

Onecutefox

The OP won't be back. This is probably too hard for her to hear. She doesn't owe us any more information, but I hope she's still reading.

The mother is not dictating the relationship between the sisters. She is simply saying she wants no relationship with her daughter after her death. She has disowned her daughter. She does not want her at her funeral or to know her grave site. The mother has not said she must not ever informed the sister. She just does not want her to know immediately when it happens. The sister is unlikely to be surprised by the mother's wish.

Oh goodness, , the old MN chestnut 'the mother is being narcissistic'.

Anotherone

Well, since she'll be dead, that pretty much puts paid to the relationship