To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Or another way of reading it is that a woman chose her husband's side over her vulnerable adult child to the point of cutting off contact with her and her own grandchildren for a decade, and is still trying to punish her from beyond the grave?

Obviously, none of us on here knows the truth, but it's one possible interpretation of what you've said...? It's certainly not unknown for families to close ranks and deny abuse.

Wow I am sorry but what a toxic, vindictive woman your mother is. Cannot imagine ever being like that to a child of mine.

She could be telling the truth, she could be mentally ill - so she punishes this way? Horrible

Talk about taking NC beyond the grave...

What happened to "we believe you"?

I think I'd go totally selfish on this one.
If telling sister meant that she would be disruptive when I was grieving or vandalise the grave: then sod her. I'd tell her details sometime later or maybe never.

If she could be sympathetic or supportive or not hostile, then I'd tell her sooner.

I'm not a fan of "dying wishes." My mom had a few that have just turned into total PITAs. I will try hard not to dictate dying wishes to DC.

How can you be so certain your sister is lying about the abuse? Very, very rarely do people lie about being sexually abused as children, especially at the hands of their own father.

How can you know whether the sexual allegations are true or not? Really, you cannot. Thousands and thousands of abuse cases happen within families and often by "nice kind plausible" men. A victim with any sort of MH difficultly is perfect because nobody will believe them against the plausible man. Just be really careful there OP.

Anyway. Your sister deserves to know when her mother is dead. Whatever has a dead person got to gain by keeping a secret? Fine if they are estranged don't have her at the funeral. But imo it's her right to know

How can you be sure it was a lie?

Presumably there will be nothing in your mother's will for her daughter or grandchildren so nothing to disclose there. I would wait a significant time before mentioning it to your sister but not go out of your way to talk to her or tell her where the grave it. If your father is still alive I would do whatever he wants.

Tell your mother you will respect her wishes. Then when she dies tell your sister. Your sister knowing where she is buried will have no impact on your mother. She will be gone. Your sister will not be able to cause her any upset at all. But it could cause a massive amount of upset to your sister to miss out on her chance to pay her final respects to her mother.

I am in your sister's position; my father abused me, but my mother refuses to believe or accept it. My sister sides with them.
So I haven't spoken to any of them for over ten years.
Yes, my mother moans and wails to all that will listen that she doesn't know why she has no access to her grandchildren, that I'm cruel and vindictive.
No- I will not put my daughters in harm's way.
Don't tell your sister- likely she'll not want to know, tbh, for her own preservation.

I have known several cases where individuals have disclosed abuse as children (which has led to their MH problems) and they have been ostracised by their families, who blame them for causing trouble.
Denial and blaming the victim is easier than unpicking the family history.

Your DM doesn't want her to know.
Your DSis probably doesn't want to know.
So don't tell her.

FWIW I believe your DSis.

I believe your sister too.

I'd like to hear the other side of the story, because this could be me! Similar timescale of estrangement. No sexual abuse allegations, but I was physically abused by my stepfather and mother, along with emotional abuse. I expect mine have a similar story about me.

How does your sister feel? I said I didn't want to hear from mine ever again when I went no contact. I wouldn't want to know if any of them had died.

It always makes me incredibly sad when I hear of women who put their new men before their existing children.

Your sister deserves to know when her mother has died. Put yourself in her shoes, OP. What would happen if your mother had left your father for someone else. Then either he had sexually abused you and she'd refused to believe you over him, preferring to play happy families with the 'new' daughter, or you'd had a mental breakdown and she'd turned her back on you. What do you think should happen to YOU in that case when YOUR mother dies? Have a bit of compassion for fuck sake.

Denial and blaming the victim is easier than unpicking the family history.

That's what my family did. I'm guessing my brother and sister sided with them, as always, as I never heard from them again.

Some people with mental health issues lie all the time! I went to university with someone who lied about everybody. She'd tell you what x did to her at the party, x wasn't at the party. She'd point to y and tell you he's staring at me look, he would be chatting up another girl, he's following me everywhere, I'm standing next to her, y doesn't notice she exists, never looks at her and is busy chatting someone up... Then she'd tell you what someone said about you last night, you were in the same room as them, they never said anything like that. Then she'd go tell people that you lied/stole/bitched/hit... You know you didn't. She lied about everything and everybody, including sexual assault from men who had never been anywhere near her. Liars lie about everything and anything.

I don't know if ops sister is like that but people like that do exist and I've come across a few of them. If she is then the hurt she will have caused is immense and I wouldn't blame them for wanting nothing to do with her. Those who know her will know...

Did your sister admit that it was a lie? If not, why are you so sure?

I think your mother is very wrong to ask you not to tell your sister. She should tell you to do whatever feels right to you.

It seems she has put her own feelings above both of her daughters more than once.

for all of you who aren't being believed. I believe you.

Well there are two seperate issues.

Whether it's true
And whether she should be told her mother has died.

I suspect there's some truth in it.

HOWEVER

That doesn't alter the terrible estrangement that has occurred and the wounds that has left, presumably on both sides.

I had a family member on their deathbed make me promise not to tell their sister they had died. The sister has life long undiagnosed MH issues, I suspect a major personality disorder. The dying person was afraid they would cause a dreadful scene at the funeral and upset everyone.

So instead we put the death notice in the national paper 24 hrs before the funeral. It was leaving it up to Fate. Have to admit we were worried they would turn up and we would have to deal with drama in the middle of our grief. They didn't see the notice as it happens and only found out a few days later. They showed no grief, only rage, so I think it was the right call.

So perhaps you could do that instead?

I would tell your sister.
Whatever has happened in the past, I think it would be mean not to tell her.

In saying that... She may have been abused and unless she's a compulsive liar about everything then she probably was. Children are forty times more likely to be abused by a non biological male in the home. Sexual abuse of stepchildren is very common.

I would wait until after the funeral and then tell your sister so that she can feel the overwhelming dense of relief that her mother is dead.