To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

mrsclaus

Whether or not you feel that I (we) have the right to comment on what we do is immaterial.

In this situation (which ever backstory you choose) I feel for the sister. Pushed out and disowned, having built her own life, could now be faced with those people that cared so little about her intruding and re-igniting alsorts of feelings.

But you want us to solely on the OP as if she will be the only one to suffer.

I'm questioning your mother's motives. It's a very odd request no matter the estrangement. Maybe your mother thinks that if he dies your sister we will have more to say or they have an arrangement between the two of them?

Be prepared to at least believe your sister believes what she is saying. Perfectly happily adjusted people don't need to see therapists in the first place.

Perhaps your mother is trying to ensure the NC continues. If you start talking to your dsis again you might believe her second time round. Sounds like your dm is trying to protect your dad.

I've also had experience in a family where people have called the victim 'mad' and have said 'what a terrible thing to say! X would never do such a thing!'

Personally, if you are questioning the family narrative now, you might want to speak to your dsis before your mum's death. What do you think their response would be?

Before I went NC, I was taken to one side by my parents and asked if I'd be the executor to their will. I was told that as I was their only daughter that was still in the family fold, I was to be given my siblings share of the money from the will as well as my share. But........if my siblings came to claim their share, I had to give it to them. So basically it was like this as an example;

So weird!

I know Cheesebubbles

That was just one of the many many reasons why I went NC.

Would you not have considered that abuse was an underlying reason for your sisters MH issues, was it even investigated or was it swept under the carpet whilst your sister was forced out at a point that she obviously needed you.

No, in your situation I wouldn't tell her. She doesn't need to grieve for your mother (and your mother sure as hell doesn't deserve her remembrance). I'm sure your sister did her grieving 10 years ago when you abandoned her.

Unfortunately I'm in your sisters position. I was abused by a family member too. I didn't tell until a few years later and my mum didn't believe me, she threw me out the house at 17. My brother and sister sided with my mum and the rest of our massive family either don't know about it or don't believe it either. I've literally seen her in the street and she pursed her lips and walked past me. I have mental health issues, problems socially and have had problems with alcohol abuse.

My mum was mostly a good mum as I was growing up although we were poor and quite isolated socially. She tried her best. I think. I often think about if she does pass on and what I'd do. I would want to morn the mum who brought me up but not the woman who abandoned me 15 years ago. I think because of this along with my MH issues it would be best for me if I didn't know when my mum dies or when the funeral happens. The strain of knowing or the thought of her nor wanting me there would probably send me into another breakdown.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you libby but eventually your mother will die and you will find out (eventually) the problem is that if you find out a year later you have to come to terms with a death that's 'old news' and I think it will be very confusing.

I literally cannot fathom how your mother abandoned your sister in such a way... and believe it. Did your mother go NC with your sister - or did your sister cut you all out of her life when she realised that not one of you believed her?

Others have already stated that many issues with MH are triggered either by childhood sexual abuse, or by the comprehension of it having happened. As others have said, it usually resurfaces when you become a parent, or an aunt/uncle yourself. And it doesn't happen to all of the children in a family. Your sister isn't mad, she isn't nasty, and I doubt very much that she infered your father had abused her just for the hell of it.

I believe your sister.

I suspect that she went NC with you all round about the time that she became a parent of small children, herself. That stage where you look at your toddler, and you think how perfect they are (even if they're really not!), and you know... you just know that you would do absolutely anything to keep them safe. And then you start wondering why your own parent(s) couldn't keep you safe - from one of them, or from someone else. And suddenly you're in counselling, and your own family are doing one of two things. They're either supportive of you, because they believe you - even if they don't understand - or they're adding to your pain by telling you that you're nasty, a malicious and manipulative liar, and insane, and trying to rip the family apart just because you feel like it... and you have no choice but to go NC with them for the sake of your own sanity.

My daughter has severe MH issues, and she is a survivor - it turns out - of childhood sexual abuse, carried out by her paternal grandparents. I'd suspected something had happened for a while... but my daughter was still in denial. Just insisted that she was choosing to have absolutely nothing to do with them ever again (her biological father hasn't been in her life at all) - which I respected. She had a mental breakdown about 18 months ago now, and is in counselling on a regular basis. During which the sexual assaults upon her came to the fore. She is very angry with me, because I "allowed" her to go to their house unsupervised from the time she was tiny. I didn't allow any such thing. She was left in the care of my parents, whilst I was working towards a better future for her... and they allowed them access. She has thrown accusation, after accusation at me. She's assaulted me. She's tried to take her own life repeatedly. And whilst she also has NPD, which tends towards making everything about her... not once have I told her that I don't believe her.

Because I do.

Even after everything which she's done to me - and believe me, it's been pretty bad over the last few years - not once have I abandoned her the way that your mother has abandoned your sister. I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because she is my daughter - and I would give my own life in a heartbeat if I thought it would take her pain, what happened to her, away.

I don't know if, in a few years time, my daughter will still be in contact with myself and her brother. She's already threatened NC several times when she's "free of [me] and [my] awful abuse" (basically, I expect her to pick up after herself... she is 21, after all!) and as much as that will hurt - I will respect her choice. If that happens, and I die, then I expect her brother to at least let her make the decision as to whether she wishes to grieve my death... or celebrate it.

Your mother is, in all probability, not being entirely honest with you, OP, and I would suspect that she's not being honest with herself, either. Whether your father abused your sister, or not... he didn't abuse you - and again, that's quite common. My mother was sexually abused as a teenager by her stepfather, yet her younger sister (his biological child) was not. It happens. And even though my grandmother stayed in her marriage for another 40 years... she believed my mother and my aunt. They continue to have a relationship to this day.

Shifting the burden of proof/responsibility onto your shoulders, and those of your other siblings, though... that's cruel. Let your mother continue to believe her version of the truth, by all means, OP... but at least offer an olive branch to your sister so that you can know the actual truth of her life.

Hopefully your sister won't give a shit. I certainly wouldn't after being treated like that by my so called 'mother'. Your mum sounds very spiteful and bitter. She is the one who cut her grandchildren off, she isn't 'missing out' but tbh doesn't deserve any of them anyway.

Your sister's story sounds so much like mine, that at first I thought perhaps you were my very own sister with your OP. Except my father and abuser died three years ago, after which my sister decided to finally cut me out of her life on our mother's instructions.
It hurt deeply. Still does. The worst part is knowing that they all think I somehow brought on the abuse myself. The evil cunt mother told them I deserved it, that I was a difficult child, that I was born evil.
My sister, is continuing the abuse and neglect meted out to me by my parents, as are my siblings. I have a grown up nephew and niece who are deeply embedded in the web of lies.
Not one of them believes me.
Thank fuck my own children have nothing to do with them.
I would think that your sister wants nothing to do with you or your family OP.
I think you are callous and unfeeling

Even if the allegations were completely made up, what your mother is asking of you is neither normal nor reasonable.
I could just about understand (in exceptional circumstances) going nc, and could even understand your mother not wanting your sister invited to the funeral if she was worried about her disrupting it or similar.
But wanting to send a massive fuck you after her death to her own daughter? Why? Out of bitterness and spite, to seek "revenge" beyond the grave? Even if that worsens your sister's mental health?
And putting the burden of that on your shoulders?
And trying to prevent you from having a relationship with your sister and her children? Because by asking you to carry out these wishes, she is also controlling your future relationship with your sister in a very nasty way.
So no, even if the allegations were false (and like pps I suspect they might not be) you do not have a moral obligation to carry out your mother's wishes. The fact that she is even asking you to do this should make you re-examine the "truth" of your family dynamic, even if that means confronting some harsh possibilities.

I had a fleeting thought that you may be one of my three siblings, all of whom have chosen to side with my narc mother, but my abuse wasn't 'direct' sexual abuse, it was exposure to adult sexual behaviour and severe physical and emotional abuse from both parents.

Your OP is something I often think about and have decided that when my mother dies, I will not be going to her funeral. I've been grieving for years for the parents I wished I had. Not them. They're not worthy of the title 'mum and dad'.

Just as your 'mother' isn't worthy. She sounds absolutely awful. Your sister deserves a mother who believed her, one who didn't abandon her when she became ill.

I believe your sister.

CheeseBubbles I think you're right. The mother doesn't want a discussion about the abuse once she's dead and she also wants to keep the upper hand in beyond the grave fuck you. Perfectly perpetuating the abuse.

I would tell her, she has a right to know.

She also has the right to attend the funeral should she so wish. Why the fuck she would want to engage with any of you I don't know however.

I actually thought "Ah the evil witch is dying" as I thought it was about my own mother.
You see, I understand that as I was being abused my siblings were being made to witness it and later had to justify it to themselves with the cunt mother's 'explanations'. Which they accepted so as to not be ostracised. They chose to not believe/minimise what had happened to me.
Even though I can see my sister has been manipulated her who life. I still can not put my own sanity on the line and accept their position

Maybe you should let your DS know now, so that she has the chance to make her peace, with your DM, should she choose to.

Just to say a funeral is a public service believe it or not you can't actually ban someone from attending if they so wish

A simple card to let her know your mother has passed away is fine she can look up the details of the funeral if she wants

Your DM sounds awful to continue the estrangement after she has died smats of someone with something to hide and not a particularly kind nature

I wonder have you actually spoken to your DS to see where all this comes from or have you always just taken what you've been told as gospel

OP do you or your siblings have children? If so do you allow your father unsupervised access to them?

I know the thread has moved on a bit but just wanted to add my experience, I was sexually abused as a child and I told my family. We are now nc with the side of my family that sided with my abuser. Luckily this didn't include my mum and siblings however what I told them has never been spoken of again. When my mothers father died, allegations of his sexual abuse to other family members came out. My mum was banned from his funeral and wasn't put on his headstone. It hurt her immeasurably, I remember going to the grave with her and just siting with her while she cried. She explained to me that while she hated him for what he did to several young girls he was still her dad and the confusion she felt was what was hurting her. We are still nc with all her side of the family as they didn't believe anyone. However the memories and after effects will live forever in the victims. It's hard to tell when you have been abused. I don't know why anyone would make it up, especially when it shakes your family to the core. I have some mental health issues that stem from the severe abuse I suffered. I certainly did not make the abuse up. I would tell your sister. I know you don't want to think about the potential of your dad being an abuser but I would be inclined to believe your sister.

This thread has been a bit triggering for me. It forced me to look again at my siblings' attitudes and the way they all sided with my abusers. But the many posts supporting your sister have also been quite comforting. Wine for me right now.
I hope you manage to see things from your sister's point of view OP, and hope you can come to terms with things for yourself. I would recommend you seek counselling to find your way through it all.

@rightknockered - much love to you right now. I've found your posts very moving and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
I work with adult survivors and so many of them have experienced the same, a family that doesn't believe and blames the innocent child. I hope this thread has allowed you to see that non-abusive people believe you. We believe you, we know you aren't bad, we know it's not and was never your fault.

Another one in your sisters place, I really hope you find it in you to reach out. It's hard reading this but also weirdly comforting to know I'm not alone.

Why do they often close ranks with the abuser, even in the cases where they know for certain the abuse took place? It's so unfair and must add to the devastation felt by the person who has been abused. It's incomprehensible to me.

to everyone in such a situation