To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Sorry, that was too flippant. I do see what you are saying about the funeral. She's trying to control something that she cannot control and it is putting a burden on the OP.

some people should read up on MN campaigns.
Starting with We believe you

Why would she come back, when people who know nothing about the ins and outs stand in judgement against her father and say that they have no doubt he is a rapist and a child molester? Her mother has been denigrated and called a narcissistic. Her family has been insulted. Why would she return? All because people come from a position where it is impossible that the OP's sister may have lied. The OP came here seeking advice and what she received was bile against her family.

some people should read up on MN campaigns.
Starting with We believe you

Definitely! Some people could do with educating on the subject.
Another, you could do with taking a look.

No thanks.

I don't think anything I've said breaches any rule.

By the way, from the OP's post, it can be concluded that she thinks her father is innocent.

Yes, she can think that. It would be really nice and really easy to think that. But she cannot know. The only people who know are her sister and her father

..OP.. I can see that this is a very difficult situation . However as others have said either the allegations are true or she is unwell. Personally I'm inclined to believe her.

If I was in your position I might contact your sister and try to listen again to her. Could you build brudges and take it from there? I would want to make my own mind up...if there is ant truth I would want to know..not least because dc's could be in potential harm.

apologies for typos!

Wonder how people here claiming the mother's wishes should be respected would feel if their own parents cut them out of their wills for some reason. We all know wills can be contested after death by the most reasonable of people. Or if their parents refused to babysit, or refused to loan money that they could afford to loan. Or refused to recognise a step child, or a child out of wedlock. Different examples, yes, but they still call our parents rights/ethics into question. Just because someone has a right doesn't mean it's always right to exercise it and I guess OP needs to assess whose right weighs most heavily on her. Which is why I suggested she not get drawn into her mum's proposal in the first place. Another, the mother choosing to tell OP NOT to do something is still grievous by omission, if not commission. It's not like she's thought it and not expressed it, or told the other daughter directly herself.

Since when did 'We believe you' mean you can shout paedo and that person is presumed guilty without trial or evidence.

We believe you, is surely about supporting those who've been abused, without questioning or probing. Believing and supporting.

Not becoming a virtual vigilante mob

No thanks.

The We Believe You campaign is worth a look. You'd do well to reconsider, Another.

We believe you, is surely about supporting those who've been abused, without questioning or probing. Believing and supporting.

Kind of contradicts your first sentence there, Ripple.

So you can't presume someone is guilty without a trial or evidence, but you have to believe someone without questioning or probing?

Anotheroneofthese

I have no idea whether the OP's sister is telling the truth (though to be fair the OP could be hairy handed just an example)

But from what the OP has said I do know that either her sister was sexually abused or she has MH problems and her entire family turned their collective back on her, and I will judge them for that.

No thanks Windy. What makes you believe that the OP and her mother and the rest of the family did not give her sister the benefit of the doubt? On what basis are you deciding that the OP and the rest of her family did wrong by her sister? You know nothing about what went on. The family may have rejected the sister's claim after much probing, investigating, etc. We don't even know if the authorities were involved. We know nothing beyond what the OP said. Yet yoy prefer not to give the OP the benefit if the doubt and instead accuse her and her family of failing her sister.

If my parents disowned me and I hadn't be in touch with them for 10 years, I really doubt I'd care and I really wouldn't want their wishes to be disrespected if the chose to reject me even in death. Why would I want anything to do with someone if they so emphatically rejects me?

The denigration of the OP, her mother, het father and the rest of her family is shocking.

Windy, your logic is frightening. All I can say is thank God we have a judicial system. Under your watch lots of innocent people would never even get a chance at justice. They would be hung, drawn, and quartered at the mere whiff of an allegation.

Yes, I feel its possible to believe that someone needs support and not to question their distress or the validity of it, without the need to get involved in making a call on legality of act against them (I leave that to the police and legal people) or attack another person.

I agree Ripple

Under your watch lots of innocent people would never even get a chance at justice. They would be hung, drawn, and quartered at the mere whiff of an allegation.

. I only suggested reading the Mumsnet campaign, but you really don't have to You're starting to sound just a bit odd and scary now, Another

So, what exactly is the problem with posters telling OP that it's likely her sister is telling the truth?

Very hyperbolic, I agree

Madmags, I have no problem with that. If you read my posts, it is clear I am against people saying she MUST be telling the truth. I think you were one of the people saying the sister is telling the truth and the father is guilty - that it is unusual for people to cry wolf in these situations.

If the sister was abused, then I doubt that she would want to know about a mother who rejected her and who now wants nothing to do with her in death. If she lied about the abuse, then she has no right to know about the people who must have gone through hell because of her accusation. Over the years 10 neither side have contacted to make amends or to apologise.

Therefore, whether the allegations are true or not, the OP and her sister should respect the mother's dying wishes. Nothing to gain from what I can see.

I've been shunned by both of my parents - nothing for years. Last year this resulted in my sister informing (and somehow blaming me) for my grandfather taking ill, but I was never told he died. I found out via googling his name and finding the obituary about a month after he died. I live a few thousand miles from them. My grandfather and I had been in letter contact for years, he, his cousin, and my uncle and aunt are the only members of my family who've met my kids - and that was once for an afternoon. I can only assume it was my mother's wish I not be told, she wouldn't respond to my emails.

With all that, I still don't see any good telling the estranged sister unless she somehow directly asks afterwards unless you want to use it as an olive branch for further communication which doesn't sound likely. It won't fix anything and, having been the estranged party, being told a snippet and then getting silence was far more painful than just continuing to be told nothing.

How did she know your sister lied? Maybe it was the truth?

Anotheroneofthese

I posted up thread that the OP shouldn't tell her sister.

Not because she "should respect the mother's dying wishes* but because the underlying statement is "mum's dead, family says fuck off".

I'm also not sure why you believe that someone who has been ostracised by their family for 10 years should be giving anything but a flying fuck for their wishes.