To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

This is very difficult situation for you but how do you know that her allegations were false? Is it just because your parents say so or there was an official investigation ? I feel for you but a parent should never ostracize their children like this . She kept the good one and gave up on the "bad" one? This is no mothers behavior in my opinion. I have a very selfish mother myself and i would never and for no reason give up on any of my kids no matter what their problems are. You should try and approach your sister and find our her side of the story and maybe this helps you decide about the funeral

i don't understand why they close ranks. to protect the 'family image'? their lifestyle? keep the status quo? very odd to me, and i hope that i would be able to protect my children no matter what the fall out.

Wonder if the OP is going to come back?

Wonder if the OP is going to come back?

I suspect not.

She came looking for advice and support in the making of a difficult choice, but possibly feels some responses are offering more heat than light.

It is unlikely to be the easiest decision to make. The path of least resistance does tend to be more attractive. However she was considering taking a much rockier route. In that context more heat than light can cause an instinctive rejection of the rockier path, before there's been enough time and space to truely consider the positives of it.

What she is trying to decide may involve wrestling with a strong sense of being disloyal to her parents and her other siblings. That decision influencing aspect will only be harder to keep in check if, when reading accusations levelled at her family here, she feels ever more defensive and protective towards them.

So In her position, if I wanted to give my seeds of doubt over following the last request a chance to properly sprout, I would probably not come back here.

I spent the tenth anniversary of my father's death on my own. I would have visited my mum but she was out to dinner with my sister, aunty and the uncle who touched me up and tried to snog me. That hurt.

My mum isn't a bad person but she is weak and hates to admit any fault.

Families can be very fucked up.

I believe your sister I am afraid 100%.
This is EXACTLY what happens in abusive relationships with parents and siblings. EXACTLY.

Regardless of the truth of your sister's accusations, I think your mother's attitude is very telling. She's positioned herself as the victim of the estrangement for a decade but clearly does not (and never has) wanted to build any bridges; in fact, she wants to make sure that she continues the estrangement from beyond the grave. None of this paints her in a great light.

However, she's dying now and I can imagine you are devastated. I think the thing to do would be to wait until after the funeral and then let your sister know that her mother is dead. She almost certainly won't want to 'pay her respects' but will probably find it useful to know.

I'm estranged from my awful, emotionally abusive father. I assume that someone would let me know when he dies. I have no desire to go to his funeral (or inherit from him - even though he cannot disinherit me legally, being in Scotland). But I would probably want to know he died, if only so I can completely move on. Because then he won't be the utterly awful father that failed me repeatedly throughout my life (and continues to do so as he's never made any attempt to reconcile; because he want interested in a daughter he could no longer manipulate and control) and will just be dead. I can totally imagine him leaving instructions that I should not be told though, purely out of spite.

What an awful situation all round.
I would probably say, but after the funeral.

OP tell your mum to contact your half sister now herself, in life, and to leave you out of her games in death. Sod funeral wishes, frankly, I'd be in touch with my sister to find out more and back her to go to the police, not supporting my parents. Which other children is he / has he been in contact with?

You've gone quiet: has the possibility of your half sister's abuse just hit you? A few times you've been asked why you don't believe her, but no response. If she's made it up, what else has she made up? Children just don't make this crime up. Child sexual abuse is most likely to happen at home at the hands of parents, grandparents etc. Read any report on sexual abuse from NSPCC or or any child protection or safeguarding or even the Yewtree report. Not believing people is the first step towards suppressing the crime and revictimising survivors.

Most step parents are great, but sadly some target people with kids to perpetrate this terrible crime. Just like in domestic violence cases, sexual abusers groom and control families and friends as well as their target. I'm sorry that all 3 of you women have been part of this, but sounds like you all need to come to a place of acceptance, grief and healing. As much as I love and trust my own dad, husband, brother, stepdad, uncles etc (as well as my female family members too, actually), I would still believe my child over them, if they made abuse accusations.

Op if you are still reading - you need to tell your mother you will tell your sister when she dies unless your mother can give you a good reason not to.

Could it be the case shes worried your sister will go to the pool once she's gone? (Even if you are right that it's not true, it could be your mother fears your sister will involve police and make public her allegations once her mum isn't around to be hurt by them anymore.)

No response from the Op. My interpretation of her silence is that she is probably overwhelmed by the strength of the replies. I doubt she will ever believe her sister, which makes this whole situation unbearably sad and depressing.

Tbf, the OP's mother is ill and she's facing up to her dying (and dealing with conversations related to this). That would make this tough, even without the strength of the responses that are suggesting that her family story might not quite be the way she has always thought of it. None of that is easy to deal with.

In any case, I would very much doubt the sister would go to the funeral or contact anyone anyway. When my maternal grandmother died (she was also nasty and abusive; I have a joy of a family), my mother asked me to tell her brother (who she hasn't seen since I was a baby). All we knew was that he had a pitch at a particular market. I had to leave a message with one of his employees (I wrote him a note). He didn't contact me or attend the funeral (I was told, because neither did I). But I would imagine the information gave him some kind of closure.

I'd tell your sister. Your DM sounds a nasty spiteful cruel piece of work. Your loyalties lie with those living.

You don't have to obey her wishes when she is dead if you are not comfortable with it. Not the same situation but when my DH's grandma died his mum and aunty didn't want to tell their brother. This was not what his grandma would have wanted at all but definitely what his grandad would and did ask for. My DH was very uncomfortable with this, as it was much more about his mum and aunty rather than his grandma. They even blocked him on social media so he wouldn't find out. My DH told them he should know, they said they would tell him after the funeral but they didn't this was 2 years ago. My dh couldn't live with the idea of his uncle finding out years down the line (he lives abroad) so he contacted him a month after she had died, his uncle cried that he never got the chance to say goodbye. His uncle chose to move away 25 years ago and leads an alternative lifestyle because of this his dad and sisters wanted nothing to do with him and because of this he never got the chance to mourn his mum. Your duty is to the living not the dead.

The sister may not want to know where your mother is buried.

Your sister may have lies about the abuse (that is not unusual), there is also a chance that she was telling the truth.

It is actually quite unusual to lie about abuse ...

I believe the sister

Er yes it is unusual to lie about CSA!

Sorry, missed the part where your mother is seriously ill, so it must be an extra tough time for everybody. I'm inclined to think though all the more reason to start giving your sister the benefit of the doubt.

It is not unusual and likewise false accusations of rape isn't unusual either. I don't know if the OP's sister is telling the truth. None of us can know that with any certainty. The chance that the OP's father is totally innocent is not zero. The OP's sister could be lying.

To stand in judgement of the OP, her mother, father and the rest of her family is unfair. They are the ones experiencing the situation and may have had strong reasons to conclude that her sister was not telling the truth.

To stand afar and act as judge and jury over the OP and her family is disgraceful. It is one thing to say that the sister might be telling the truth but it is quite another to accuse the father of molesting his stepdaughter and the family of covering up.

You should respect your mother's wishes. The strength of the feeling is clear. I wonder whether your sister has any great desire to know given the nature reason for, and length of the estrangement.

By the way, based on studies on the issue of false child abuse allegations, the findings range from 6% to 35%. Difference in range due in part to how studies accoint for intentional vs unintentional lying.

False allegations of CSA sit at under 10% and a good proportion of these aren't made by the victim, they are made by parents during divorce proceedings.

However, victims not being believed, being ostracised from their families and ending up with mental health problems is common. That kind of punishment often causes victims to withdraw their, truthful, allegations, thereby making them 'false'.

Absolutely, 65%-94% are true but what is your point here? That therefore the OP's sister MUST be telling the truth? That there is no chance that the stepfather is innocent?

False claims are not unusual and the OP needs balanced advice. Not the denigration of her family based on a false idea that it is impossible that her sister made a false accusation. False accusations are not unusual.

OP I don't know if your sister is telling the truth or not. It is not possible to know sitting in my armchair. My view is to respect your mother's wishes. Telling your sister may simply open up old wounds for everyone.

Yes, milady. That would be my motive for telling the OP's sister, to give her some sort of closure. I can't imagine she would want to attend the funeral, given the circumstances.

OP I don't think will return. Difficult for her to reconsider her anger towards her sister for making the accusations, mentioned in the OP (she isn't even sure of the nature of any MH problems from what I recall from the OP) as that would have implications for her own view of and relationship with her father.

I believe her sister.