To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

It sounds like the counselling brought up some issues that she'd suppressed for a long time.

I realise this is your father we're talking about, but it's very odd that after seeing a counsellor this came to light, if there isn't some truth in it.

If she's never had a history of fabricating stories or making such allegations, I'm amazed nobody believed her.

As someone with counselling experience, I can say it brings up issues like CSA....

I struggle to believe her accusation came from nowhere, if she doesn't have a history of lying like this.

As you've been estranged for 10 years, you don't need to seek her out to tell her.

She's obviously been cut out of the family /the will, so leave her to get on with her life.

Not out of respect for your mum, but to save your sister from the pain of being abandoned by her mother.

I wonder why... Even if she wasn't believed.. Why her family.. Mother especially.. Didn't support her in dealing with the mental health problems.

Mental illness is a terrible thing but sometimes you have to let that person who wishes you harm out of your life or they will destroy you and everyone else you hold close. They lie and manipulate and can tear a family apart and sometimes you need to break those ties and live your live without that person in it.

For whatever reason - you mother has made these requests and I think she is entitled to have her wishes respected.

I have a very close family member who made some terrrible accusations against another close famiy member once and I know they weren't true because I witnessed exactly what really happened. It was very sad and distressing for the person who was accused - the accuser gave a performance worthy of an oscar and if I hadn't actually witnessed it I could possibly have believed them. This happened over 10 years ago and I still lose sleep over the fact that if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes - would I have believed the accusations? I have not spoken to or forgiven the accuser since.

I think you have to respect your mothers wishes.

"Very distant" do you mean dissociative? "Turned nasty" do you mean told the truth?
Frankly I hope she's made her own life and so won't benefit from knowing anything about her mother's passing.

Another one who feels sorry for your sister.

Almost every survivor I know has at least one family member who calls them a liar. Sometimes many family members. And step-children and step-grandchildren are often victims when biological children aren't.

That isn't to say that you can't reassure your mother that her wishes will be respected.

IME if someone says they were abused as a child, they were.

I'm another that really feels for your sister. After decades of supporting adults who were abused in childhood I can tell you now I believed every single one of them!

Others are right. Either your sister is telling the truth or is severely mentally unwell. The later is highly unlikely especially if the abuse is all she's "making up".

I think what your mum is asking of you is a horrible. Denying your sister existing doesn't undo the damage. It hightens it. I feel you must tell your mother what she needs to hear but do what is right. I doubt she'd want to come within breathing distance of your dad anyway. Why would she pay her respects to you mum when she's treated her so appallingly?

Food for thought op BUT! It's extremely common for one child to be abused and not the others!

It's extremely common for survivers to distance themselves from their memories and seek the control (in the form of perfectionism) that was taken from them!

It's extremely common for women to say nothing until they become so unwell they have to speak about it. This also usually happens around the time they become parents or aunties of children that might come into contact with their abuser. It makes distancing your self really hard!

IF your step sister is making this up. Then a) why? B) she'd make up other things as well. c) her illness would have began in her teenage years not just appeared as an adult after Counselling.

Like I said. You either tell your mum a) I won't lie to my sister b) yes mum, yes mum (but knowing you'll do it anyway once she's died) c) you tell her that wants she's asking of you is unreasonable and unfair on you!

Do you mind me asking how you are, op? I'm wondering if you've never really processed all of this before, never discussed it outside of the family narrative.

Counterpane, do you not see the difference between the stories here though? An adult after counselling vs an apparently pathological liar?

OP this sounds so difficult but I also think you all need to consider that your DS was not lying.

Sorry, my post should read how old you are

Also wondering how OP can be so sure there was no abuse. This is really tragic.

Thinking a bit further into this, particularly if you are in Scotland. Your mother cannot legally exclude your sister from her will so you will need to let her know. It's called legal rights. Even if your sister is not named in your mums will, she is entitled to a % of some of the estate. She therefore has to be told.

At the moment I feel for your sister. Clearly a huge back story to this though. Are you absolutely sure the abuse comments were lies?

Are you so sure that your mum didn't know about the abuse, hence cutting your sister off to keep it hidden. That's how it sounds massively.

You are clearly only hearing your mother and fathers side of the story. A side which seems to be clearly lacking in compassion and innocence.

As a person who had a very mentally unwell period of about 5 years, I feel really awfully sorry for your sister who was abandoned at her worse point by her 'family'. Leave the poor woman be, away from the remains of your horrible family.

To answer your questions, it's been 10 years with no contact, the chances of your sister contacting now are low, she's hopefully moved on with her life and is happy with her own family who support her, but if she asks and it's after your mum has passed, tell her.

Sorry to hear that your DM is unwell, but your DS should be told.

Sorry but i'm inclined to believe your sister on this one. I think i'd have to tell her afterwards

I agree with many people above

Once people are dead, it's up to the living to decide the relationship with people they've left behind

I think a lot of people's comments on here are so unfair. OP wasn't asking whether the allegations were true/untrue - she was asking about a moral dilemma of informing her sister. Can people just remember that they are asking the OP to question whether her own father was the abuser. Something that she has probably spent years dealing with and has already explored. Very painful indeed. It frustrates me that on here people love jumping to the worst possible case just for the drama and often ignoring the real question asked. OP, for what it's worth I would reluctantly go with my mothers wishes and agree with other posters that if asked at any point in the future - I would tell the truth. However, I have a very trusting and close relationship with my mum and would do anything for her as she would with me so it really depends on your relationship and how rational you think she's being. Good luck and ignore the hideous accusations on here x

I disagree mrsclaus, i suspect this is the first time that the op has properly considered whether sister's allegations are actually true/or that her parents were wrong to discard her mentally ill sister. It was jumping out from the op. The question that was actually asked is irrelevant if the abuse happened neither sister owes the parents anything.

mrsclaus

Yes, child abuse is painful.

Mental health problems are painful

An ill mother is painful

Estrangement is painful

The OP has probably struggled with all these. No-one is making any drama out of it. They are answering the OP's question in the way that makes sense to them

mrsclaus are you seriously accusing posters on here who have shared their own abuse stories are just trying to feed drama?

That's a disgusting thing to say.

It's no wonder you're firmly on the narc mother's side...

Why is your sister a liar
Why is it so inconceivable that she has mental health issues caused by her step father
To be disowned by her mum and not told she has died is awful

Believes her husband over her daughter ... nice

Long answer:
Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this situation, what strikes me is the burden of your mothers request appears to be on your shoulders, although you mention other siblings.
You will never know what's true or not for sure, but whatever you do think carefully about repercussions.
I'm sorry to hear about your sisters issues, but equally her Facebook messages make it sound like contact would be a bad idea. Maybe it is best to leave it, telling her afterwards would only cause other issues.

Short answer: why must it be your issue whether or not your sister has told? There are other people involved and this is not your decision. None of this is your fault.

I think that such a request would give me pause to think about the motives of the person requesting it. To want to control the situation and the relationship beyond death of course suggests someone who is extremely angry and extremely hurt, but it could be more than that

I think it's your mother's life and her death.
It's her choice.