To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Reading that says more about your mother than your sister. It just sounds so cruel and sad. I think your sister should be told once your mother has died. She might not even want to go to the funeral, but she should know.

I would tell her. She deserves to know and have some sort of closure

I am taking all this in.

TBF my sister was fairly stable although very distant and a bit of a perfectionist until she started seeing a counsellor. That is why it was such a massive shock how she turned so nasty. I don't know the exact extent of her MH issues as I have never spoken to her about it directly. I don't think she would cause a scene at the funeral although it is not an option for her to be there. We have other siblings as well that would not countenance it, along with my dad. It was purely letting her know that I was considering. This is all so difficult to think about.

My DH is estranged from a lot of his family, has given instructions if anything happens to him they are not to be informed, put me in a hell of a situation, if he was in Hospital and able he could inform the staff of this, he wont make a will (long sotry, and all to do with his mother walking out when he was a kid) true the dead dont have a voice, but if you make a promise, incredibly difficult, and m hoping it wont happen.

Why don't you believe your sister, op?

How are you sure that her accusations aren't true?

So after 10 years of NC your mother says "don't contact your half sister" and you can't see the abuse being inflicted on you or the hurt that your mother wants to cause your sister.

I'm sorry I find your post extremely difficult to read. What you're saying is that your sister suffers from mental illness and has made allegations against your father ( or inferences) and you therefore conclude that this is a lie. You are obviously extremely ignorant about the impact that child sexual abuse can have on an individual ( mental illness, drug and alcohol problems etc). You do not even for one second consider that the abuse may be true and the mental illness is as a result of that? Clearly your mother didn't believe your sister and has effectively closed the door on her child. Now I appreciate that no-one wants to think that a relative is capable of doing this, but every single abuser is someone's relative. If this allegation is true then your sister has been magnificently failed be her family.

TBF my sister was fairly stable although very distant and a bit of a perfectionist until she started seeing a counsellor. That is why it was such a massive shock how she turned so nasty

When you make the brave step to start counselling, things typically get a lot worse before they start getting better. I feel sorry for your sister that her journey ended up with her being judged as nasty (she will have been going through a very difficult time) and cut off.

tell her when your mother passes. Not doing so will likely add to her MH issues.

She has MH issues

So behaviour may not be her fault? She could be a sick person, not a bad person? Go carefully OP - one's duty is to the living, not the dead.

Why do you not believe her, she may very well be telling the truth. So much abuse happens and the victims are often blamed.

My exh mum didn't tell him when her father died because he'd have trashed the funeral. We all knew he'd died but no one told him because she is right. He would have trashed the funeral. The eulogy he gave at his own fathers funeral was grim too.

Your mother doesn't sound like someone who is reluctantly NC and tortured by missing her precious grandchildren. Wanting her child to not be told of her death or even her burial site sounds cruel and malicious, and frankly wanting to continue to inflict pain from beyond the grave.

Is she's telling these stories because she has MH issues, or does she have MH issues because of her awful experiences?

How can you be so sure she is lying.

@OP - You do realise that perfectionism is a recognised psychological effect of child abuse?

Not saying that's definitely the case here but it's worth thinking about

I agree with what's mostly been said. There very possibly could be a grain of truth to the allegations, and to try to sweep it under the rug, pushed her daughter aside. That's a very harsh thing to do.

Can you tell your half-sister about your mum's ill health and ask her to meet somewhere and to bring her kids. Maybe relationship's could be worked on so that your mum's wishes may be changed and will get to meet her grandkids before she dies?

It sounds like your sister hurts too and is suffering because she's been neglected by her mum.

TBF my sister was fairly stable although very distant and a bit of a perfectionist until she started seeing a counsellor. That is why it was such a massive shock how she turned so nasty

😳 This is ringing alarm bells with me. Do you think that your sister may have been abused but buried her feelings - which then came out in counselling? That the counsellor might have helped her to accept that the abuse was real, which meant your sister had to accept what had happened to her? "Turned so nasty" could easily be her processing the grief and rage.

From what I've read, I feel desperately sorry for your sister. 🙁

yes your sister deserves to be informed. Your mother sounds extremely controlling.

What your dad and other siblings want is probably very important.

I hate to say it, but the children abused by Saville weren't believed either because they were kids who were in a vulnerable state of mind too. Please have a heart-to-heart with your half-sister and talk about her past.

This is chilling to read...

The sister is standing by the story...

I know people who were abused & who weren't believed...

How can you know for certain...?

Is this a reverse?

Because the flippancy, the lack of caring of the sister, the complete cuntiness of the mother...

It makes me hope it is a reverse, tbh.

To put this in perspective, my sister went NC with our mother for the 12 years before mum died. She denounced her at every opportunity. yet my mother's instructions were that her estate be divided equally between us, and we informed my sister when mum died just as we informed all family members.
Be the better person and do the decent thing. Your poor sister.

I would most definitely tell her when your mum dies.

And HER mum dies.