To abide by my mother's wishes and not let my sister know when she has died?

[Bonjelica]

Half-sister has been estranged for nearly 10 years. She has MH issues, had a breakdown and started accusing my parents of doing awful things to her when she was a child. She insinuated my father (her stepfather) sexually abused her. This was a lie and is unforgivable. My mother took the painful decision to have no further contact with her and therefore her children because of this and has suffered greatly for not knowing how her grandchildren are.
Since then she has posted occasional nasty messages on Facebook but we have not heard anything else from her.

Mum is now 75 and has been in ill health for the last year. She has stated clearly that she does not want my sister to know when she dies, to be invited to the funeral, or to know where she is buried.

This doesn't sit right with me but I have to honour her wishes don't I? Despite being extremely angry with my sister (still), I think she at least deserves to be told when she passes.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

What is difficult to think about is your own father sexual abusing your half sister. Sounds like your DM wasnt prepared to split her family up due to her dd disclosure. Do you understand how hard that will be for her to come forward and admit that even if she denied it after not being believe it can be a coping mechanism for not being believed in the first place all her mh problems could be linked to this and she has been wrote off.

I know you believe she was lying about the abuse, but just think for a moment IF there was truth in it, what would you do differently now? If you believed her would you feel differently about your mum, would you try to reconcile them, would you want a relationship with your sister and her children? You have a lot invested in not believing her but there are gains to be had from having a relationship with her too.

Why would someone lie about this?

Oh, OP, the more you update, the more I believe your sister.
She was distant and a perfectionist. But not a liar, eh, until she saw the counsellor?
Why would she make this up?
OP I hope you are keeping your children safe.

I think it is incredibly cruel to not be told that your own mother has died.
I can't help thinking that abuse could be the cause of her MH problems.

It’s not about whether the accusations are true or not, it’s not a forensic case.

It’s about reassuring your mother that she will get a decent and respectful send-off, and you start the process by promising whatever it is that’ll make her last days as peaceful as possible, even if you have to lie through your teeth.

You can’t know how your half-sister will react, but I dare say that contacting her with that kind of news, some years later, with the info that the funeral is, say, next Tuesday, will probably not be in her best interests. That would be too much info crammed in too short a timescale. It would be better to let her know some time after the formalities have been concluded.

I’m sorry that you’ve been burdened with this. We do like to think in terms of happy families, but there are truths and there are lies, and it’s a very hard situation when circumstances mean that those collide and you’re stuck in the middle.

I'd tell your dsis after the funeral, but certainly not give further details of your dmum's resting place.

I was abused by my father - my mother and brother both know - in fact my father told my brother when he was drunk many years ago. I am the one who is ostracised. Families where abuse happens are not very functional.

Counselling will bring feelings to the surface and I am not sure it is usual to state a parent is abusive when they aren't.

I think Alc nailed it.

I disagree as if the mother has colluded in the denial of abuse and written off her daughter and grandchildren then I wouldn't care how peaceful her final days were and that funeral wishes were respected.

My mum minimises my abuse. A can't remember being a virgin😔

She can't cope with the idea of letting me down. So the son of a friend who put his cock in my mouth before I even started school was too young to know what he was doing. My uncle couldn't have done much more than touch me up and try to snog me when I was 12/13 because he was impotent. I can imagine it is even easier to turn a blind eye when it is your husband 😟

@Ikillallplants that's awful I'm so sorry

What kind of mother doesn't want her DD to know she has died?

Irrespective of what has or has not happened, this disgusts me.

Wow, your sister (having never before been a liar, with no history of mental health issues and no previous for being manipulative), having undergone counselling finds the courage to confront her family about historical abuse. She is ostracised and deemed nasty by her own family! Not content with ten years of no contact, your Mother demands that you continue to ostracise your sister after her death. Keeping her death from her. It sounds like your sister and her counsellor were spot on!!! What awful parents!!! How any Mother could react or behave that way shows a sociopathic narcissistic side that speaks volumes about the abuse your poor sister went through! It sounds like she had a lucky escape! With the added benefit of ensuring that her children are safe!!!

Grace I'm the kind of mother who's son won't be informed if I die, so I will disgust you. Don't worry too much though, if anyone could find my son to tell him, he really wouldn't care.

He doesn't "do" families, that's his choice and I understand.

Oh God OP, I believe your sister. You really need to sit back and reconsider this.

It's much much much more likely that she has mental health problems because she abused than she's lying about abuse because of mental health problems! Trauma causes mental health problems.

It can only be extremely rare for someone to feel that way about a parent for no reason, IMO.

I have a narc relative and have stated that she is not to come to my funeral. The reason is that I don't want my partner to have to deal with her shit at a time when he will already have enough to deal with.

So, assuming the abuse claim was indeed a lie, I would honour your mum's wishes and spare the rest of the family.

However, I would tell her as kindly as possible, once the funeral etc is over. I would also think about what you could maybe give her, if she'd like anything, to remember your mum by.

@smitti Would you specifically state he is not to be informed, or is it simply that he probably couldn't be found in order to tell him? If the latter then it's not the same as the situation in the OP.

Donttouchthethings: I can sympathise. I have a similar relative, MH and undiagnosed personality disorder. She sabotaged every family party for over twenty years - birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, you name it.

A cousin disclosed that they had been abused as a child and she was actually jealous!

Within days she was claiming that her father had abused her from infancy. She will graphically recount multiple instances of these assaults to whomever will listen. It was the reason he demanded access and the family colluded with him.

Except it never happened. Her parents split up when she was a baby and her father emigrated with his new girlfriend within months. She doesn't know that he was 11,000 miles away, so she carries on lying. We have decided not to tell her because she would probably accuse someone else instead.

I am not implying that the OP's DS is not telling the truth but just pointing out that some accusations are unfounded.

I wasn't believed either. My sister took his side. The whole family ostracised me. Apart from my mum. She believed me. It's broken her soul, she had a nervous breakdown because of it because she blames herself but she believed me. My sister, when I told her, she knew it was true... I could see it in her face, that she knew... But it would make her life difficult to turn her back on him. My sexual abuse is an I convenient truth. I think your sister needs listening to and probably a lot of apologising to.

*inconvenient truth

Do as your mother requests. She has made her wishes clear to you. Why disrespect her wishes - she clearly feels very strongly about this.

I have grown up with many examples of abuse, both for me and others I knew.

I am the one who 'turned nasty' and called out my parents on their behaviour. My siblings have sided with them, and they tell everyone I have 'mental health issues'.

I am fully aware that I have been cut out of the will, and will not be told about deaths until a year after followed by a nasty letter from the grave. Vindictive much?

My friend, many years ago, ended up in hospital with mental health issues after the 20th boyfriend of her mother started punching her.

My friend from school had an abusive father, fucking arsehole he was, my blood boils just thinking about him, and she never said anything. She had issues.

A friend from work was abused by her father and her brother. When she finally got the courage to speak up, everyone turned on her. She has MH issues, as she is still in touch with them, whilst they pretend nothing ever happened.

I feel desperately sorry for your sister, given a brief insight into your family, I would explore believing her.