Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mystery earrings

999 replies

MarilynMonsoon · 23/06/2017 13:33

Not sure where else to get advice for this.

DP works away sometimes, we've not had trust issues before and I'm usually happy to wave him off. He was in a hotel for two night midweek this week and nothing out of the ordinary behaviour wise prior to that.

Was going through some of his packing to tidy up/sort laundry - not snooping I have to add, I've never felt he might be doing anything behind my back, but in his wash bag I found a pair of earrings that aren't mine. They are not a gift because I don't have pierced ears.

Since his return he's been affectionate and normal if a bit glued to his phone, but he does a lot of work on it so again not out of the ordinary.

I feel really confused, I've never had a reason not to trust him but I can't shake the sight of those earrings. Returned them to bag but took a pic on my phone. What do I do?

OP posts:
rightwhine · 25/06/2017 09:46

Take heart from the fact that he's pissed off with you for ruining his fantasy of life with glamorous anna boleyski! And not only that he's lost his nice comfortable life at home and is now hit rock bottom on his mates sofa!
So for every rant or wanky text, you can give a secret smile at the mess he's unhappily found himself in. This certainly wasn't part of his grand master plan. Leaving you wasn't part of the pain when he thought he could have his cake and eat it. You don't need to retaliate! He knows he's ballsed up himself and is angry at himself. This might be the time to calmly ask him if he's had an affair before. You may well get the truth whilst he's so intent on blaming you!
The less you show you are hurt and upset the more irritated he will be. Stay calm and watch him squirm.

SoENFJ · 25/06/2017 09:46

Oh Marilyn, It's always the way! the love your personality a bit, they love being challenged at first... then they want to be challenged by 27 year olds and they want you to put their dinner in front of them, but not pasta, we had pasta laaaaast night. God, so boring and predictable. actually this is such a blessing for you to see all of this now at the incredibly young age of 32. I left my asshole at 37 with dc and I felt undateable because I'd no job and no money but two dependents. This is a good bench mark for the future. If a man who who gave every sign of enjoying your personality in the early days then seems to want a more muted version of you later on when you're officially together Confused that is a warning sign of something bad!

Refilona · 25/06/2017 09:49

I wish he was reading all of this so he could see how pathetic we all think he is!

Original poster
MarilynMonsoon · 25/06/2017 09:49

'If a man who who gave every sign of enjoying your personality in the early days then seems to want a more muted version of you later on when you're officially together'

Omg that's exactly what it was like

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 25/06/2017 09:52

SO. ..... I think you're very right

Head high OP. You have found out just how cruel he is

noenemee · 25/06/2017 09:56

I am an 'unreasonable bitch'

Any more of that talk reply only with 'you wanted challenging'

So sorry this has happened, given some time it'll all work out for the best, for you at least.

picketfences · 25/06/2017 09:59

Agree with other posters that he is up shit creek as From Russia With Love doesn't want a proper relationship with him, so he is being super nasty to you to make you feel unlovable and desperate, in the hope he will crush you enough to beg him to come back.

He is truly the lowest of the low.

Forget about him, just focus on yourself and spend your precious energy doing all you can to live well - that is the best revenge in the end.

Take care OP, onwards and upwards! Xx

SoENFJ · 25/06/2017 10:01

yeh, I don't get it why do that. I've had that a few times too. They love that you're not a wet lettuce and it's all sparks but then when you're going out they want you to be a wet lettuce Confused

ShinyGirl · 25/06/2017 10:23

Onwards and upwards.

Is his mate single? He sounds nice.

flibberdee · 25/06/2017 10:28

I was thinking that Shiny, got the makings of a real romance novel here!

ChameFangeNail · 25/06/2017 10:29

yeh, I don't get it why do that. I've had that a few times too. They love that you're not a wet lettuce and it's all sparks but then when you're going out they want you to be a wet lettuce

In my experience, the ones who do this are the Ines who hate women.

OP you are doing brilliantly. He's fuming because you fucked it up for him and the Russian before he had a chance to lock it down properly.

Now he looks like a bit of a sad knob, sofa surfing with a mate and approaching his credit limit. If she's that much of a catch, she won't want to stick with Mr Mediocre. Snd now, neither do you.

She was probably put last night getting chatted up by some first division footballers and he knows it.

He's too much of a prick to posses the insight needed to understand that this is all his fault. So he's blaming you. Yawn.

Keep on keeping on. Send his stupid stuff to his work.

By this time next year I predict you'll be happier than you have been in four years with this bellend.

Cupcakey · 25/06/2017 10:31

Just read the whole thread, I am so sorry he's a total shit bag.
One day at a time and you will feel stronger.
Karma will hopefully kick his butt one day. I think he's lashing out at you because he feels like an utter shitbag and also because has been caught! I'm guessing Russian Bolynski will run a mile now the shit got real!!! Let off as much steam as you can to your lovely friend she sounds like a total diamond!!
CakeWineFlowersGin
xx

sadie9 · 25/06/2017 10:31

If it were me, I'd try to be a pillar of reasonableness. He is just trying to come up with a load of reasons to justify his awful behaviour....i.e. that because you are x, y and z then he had a right to do it.
I would not reply to texts, or engage in point scoring, reply with a simple and mature reply...otherwise you are playing into the drama of it. If you fire insults at him in texts, it gives him more ammunition to fire back at you.
So tell him 'sure, I can drop off the clothes to your friends house, that's no problem.' Whatever. Every relationship is exciting and challenging at the start, but yeah, someone has to cook the dinner night after night, wash the underpants and the electricity bill has to be paid. They only like to be 'challenged' in a way that suits them.

nachogazpacho · 25/06/2017 10:41

In a couple of weeks time he'll be turning up drunk and calling you cold hearted for not taking him back. He's fucked up big time and just starting to realise it.

nachogazpacho · 25/06/2017 10:46

If it was all rosey with ow he would not be sending you abuse. Only reason he is doing that is he is blaming you for the whole fuck up. The ow must have told him she didn't want him.

So he has lost you for nothing.

Cue him going off the rails and being a total arsehole. You'll have his mate intervening and telling you how he's a broken man etc.

CremeFresh · 25/06/2017 10:52

Good idea to speak to your landlord asap- unfortunately you can't just leave your flat (I'm sure you know that) as you will be liable for the remaining rent . You will have to communicate with him about this , I'd send him a text today , hit him while he's still reeling from things not going his way, keep it business like and don't get drawn into any other discussion apart from what's happening with the lease and where he wants his belongings sent.

Original poster
MarilynMonsoon · 25/06/2017 10:54

His mate has text. Exp is making noises about coming back because he's on the tenancy agreement, so he says he's going to get him drunk over the Grand Prix so I don't have to deal with it until tomorrow, bless his heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarilynMonsoon · 25/06/2017 10:55

I'll communicate re the flat with him tomorrow, businesslike and calm, whiles he is hungover

OP posts:
Cupcakey · 25/06/2017 11:00

His mate sounds awesome !!!!!

CremeFresh · 25/06/2017 11:01

Yay for his mate!

Guiltypleasures001 · 25/06/2017 11:04

Sorry for your troubles op, what a tossed

Dont suppose his mate is free and single and worth a shag? 😉

Lovegaultier · 25/06/2017 11:07

So now he's a free agent, he's not seeing the lovely Anne at all. That's very telling isn't it?

CremeFresh · 25/06/2017 11:08

Hoe long is your tenancy agreement ? Has it now gone to a periodic tenancy ?

user1494187262 · 25/06/2017 11:11

FFS people, the last thing Marilyn needs is to complicate this even further. Please steer clear of his mate.

KitNCaboodle · 25/06/2017 11:13

I'm laughing at Anne Boleynski. Is he Henry the Oaf?

Agree with pp who said he's lashing out because things haven't gone as planned.

Like the sound of the friend. Nice bloke.