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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP cant hold a job and he thinks i dont support him

140 replies

soconfused40 · 21/06/2017 12:56

Hello all. I wrote another post sometime ago regarding this but there is a new situation. DP of two years can not hold a job. He has changed 4 or 5 (i lost count by now) in the last 6 months . It is always their fault , they are always try to make him leave because they are jealous of him or worried about their jobs because he is so good, there is always a bad supervisor that will bully him etc. After the first 2-3 jobs i realized that there is a pattern, it can not all be that bad or that jealous of him so there must be a different reason Despite all that i am always supportive to him and i never raised my concerns.
Lately when he complains about his latest job i am trying to show him another perspective. For example when he says that the supervisor bullies him i am saying that what he describes its within the "normal" , he isnt there to be friends. Or when they installed a system at to ensure that all employees do their job i said that its not that bad they are just trying to ensure that people do what they are paid for.
Apparently that means that "i can not support him", " i always support his enemies", " always taking the side of people who dont like him", "he wants a wife that he can talk to and he doesnt want to tell em things because i dont support him". When i remind him that i supported him every time and i just try to give him different perspective he just carries on, he isnt interested to listen the explanation
I am confused as i dont understand why he would think that. Also i am afraid that he really believes that they are all against him and jealous and thats why he is losing the jobs. We dont live together at the moment and i never supported him financially. But we are planning to get married and then his actions will affect our both lives. Any perspectives, opinions appreciated

OP posts:

Heirhelp · 21/06/2017 12:59

I remember your previous thread. The general advice was to leave your partner unless you are happy with this situation getting worse. I agree with those opinions and think his understanding of enemies and your lack of support will spread to social situations.

Bloomed · 21/06/2017 13:05

I don't see how you can be happy with him. Essentially he'll make you feel confused and unhinged because he's wrongly accusing you.

NellieFiveBellies · 21/06/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redshoeblueshoe · 21/06/2017 13:07

I haven't seen your previous thread, and all I can say is thank goodness you don't live with him.
If he was so amazing they would not be sacking him.
LTB

ElspethFlashman · 21/06/2017 13:08

How do you think the advice on this thread is going to differ? I don't understand what is new?

NoToast · 21/06/2017 13:09

You are starting to become one of 'his enemies' in his mind. If you marry him you will end up supporting him and I hate to think what your life will be like.

Run for the hills. Do NOT marry him.

bibliomania · 21/06/2017 13:10

It's not the struggling in the workplace that would get to me as his inability to accept any responsibility. It's all their fault now; everything in his life will be all your fault as soon as you're married/living together. I guarantee it.

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2017 13:10

There's a saying about playing the video to the end.

If you marry him, do you think he'll suddenly hold down a job?

He resents you now for not supporting him. Do you think he'll suddenly start to not resent you?

He's lost four or five jobs in six months. That is really shocking. Obviously he's doing something right when he's going for interview but then he can't hack it. Think of this like you and him - at the interview stage, when you were dating, you thought he was great and fit for the job, so to speak. Now you're used to him and you can see what he's really like.

Just because you've been with someone for a while it doesn't mean you should marry them. Have a good think about what the future with him would be like.

Northernpowerhouse · 21/06/2017 13:11

Agree with heirhelp . He will end up unable to get a job and friends will fade away and none of it will be his fault. Who do you think he will blame then? He has already started doing that.
Save yourself!

JennyOnAPlate · 21/06/2017 13:12

Don't marry him op. You would regret it massively.

Nabootique · 21/06/2017 13:13

Are you with my ex? They don't improve, trust me. If you move in together you'll end up financially supporting him and he'll feel even less need to work. It was a huge factor in our break up. And for fuck's sake don't have children with him.

minmooch · 21/06/2017 13:13

Don't live with him. Don't marry him. Don't have kids with him. He will make your life a misery.

There are plenty of people out there who are nice, genuine, and can hold down and keep a job.

You know that what he says cannot be right. He is one of those people who think everyone is out to 'get' them. My father is like this and he was a drain on my mother and now she has gone he is a drain on me. Do not, for gods sake, tie yourself in any way to a man like this.

wotabastard · 21/06/2017 13:14

What a relief you don't live together, aren't financially bound to him and have kids!

You can just walk away....and discover a new chapter of your life and new people, relationships, fun, without him in it.

You know deep down that it makes sense!

2014newme · 21/06/2017 13:15

He's a waste of space. Bin him.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 21/06/2017 13:15

I too remember your previous thread and although you are trying to be "reasonable" - in that you are attempting reasoning with him, it won't work as there is a fundamental gap between your positions.

He has clearly got a hugely inflated idea of his own skills and abilities.
If at any point he is unable to twist reality to a view where he is not perfect he places the fault with someone else..or perhaps he claims he is not interested in having the skill or trait that he cant demonstrate?

He gets fired - its someone else's fault.
You are not supportive of his reality - you will become the scapegoat for his bad feelings.
You are dealing with a classic, red flag waving, narcissist. Of course you can't reason with him - he doesn't respect your point of view unless its the same as his. He doesn't respect anyone's point of view except his own.

You marry him and he will suck you dry like a vampire, and expect you to thank him for the privilege.

AdalindSchade · 21/06/2017 13:16

Don't marry him for goodness sake! He has a persecution complex and issues with authority. He's probably always been like that and always will be.

wotabastard · 21/06/2017 13:24

I am confused as i dont understand why he would think that.

His brain is wired in a completely different way to 'normal' thinking folk though. You will never be able to understand, your entire relationship and potential marriage will be very confusing, sickening, upsetting and will regularly make you question his and your own sanity.

You have the power to end this and live a happy, productive life without him. Please believe that.

What are you ultimately wanting from these posts? For someone to say it'll be ok and he'll definitely change by tea time tomorrow and see the world in a reasonable way, get a job and hold it until retirement. That's not going to happen. Ever, unfortunately, I don't think.

TheNaze73 · 21/06/2017 13:25

You have my full sympathy.

I would have no respect for an entitled, workshy slacker

kkkkaty123 · 21/06/2017 13:27

I'm never one to give this sort of advice on here ever. So when I say what I'm going to say please know that I'm talking from experience. Please please DO NOT marry him. Iv lived the live you may enter and it's a nightmare. My exh had a huge attitude problem. The opportunities he fucked up over the years because of the chip on his shoulder is mind boggling. The pattern was always the same too. I can't tell u how many jobs he had. I had no security at all. In the end I left him. He is still the same. He has not changed. My now dh has been I. The same profession for 26 years.

kkkkaty123 · 21/06/2017 13:29

All the posters on here have hit the nail on the head op. Please listen to them.

StormTreader · 21/06/2017 13:32

I remember your previous thread too, he isnt shy about also blaming you for everything in his life he doesnt like, is he?

TheRadiantAerynSun · 21/06/2017 13:33

I know people like this.

Always someone else's fault, always a drama, always an excuse, always a reason why they can't do the very basic things that most other people manage just fine.

He's a loser.

He will suck you dry, both emotionally and financially and when it all goes wrong he will make it all your fault.

Sack him off now. He'll still blame you, but it'll damage you less in the long term.

Dontlaugh · 21/06/2017 13:35

Guess what? There ARE lovely hardworking decent men in the world who would love to meet you.
Guess what else? Your DP isn't one of them.
Lose him and find a man who deserves you.

BangkokBlues · 21/06/2017 13:35

What a relief you don't live together, aren't financially bound to him and have kids!

^THIS THIS THIS

OP please do not get any more entangled with him. He sounds unstable and that paranoid behavior will be exhausting. Can you really bare a lifetime of hearing him complain about everyone wronging him all this time?

Some people are not 'normal'. They do not have normal reactions to other people, to situations, etc.

The bus driver will give them a dirty look, bosses will bully them, the hotel owner will be taking the piss, friends will have mortally offended them. On and on an fucking on.

Get away now whilst you still can. He is a toxic person.

Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 13:36

LTB.

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