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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cant hold a job and he thinks i dont support him

140 replies

soconfused40 · 21/06/2017 12:56

Hello all. I wrote another post sometime ago regarding this but there is a new situation. DP of two years can not hold a job. He has changed 4 or 5 (i lost count by now) in the last 6 months . It is always their fault , they are always try to make him leave because they are jealous of him or worried about their jobs because he is so good, there is always a bad supervisor that will bully him etc. After the first 2-3 jobs i realized that there is a pattern, it can not all be that bad or that jealous of him so there must be a different reason Despite all that i am always supportive to him and i never raised my concerns.
Lately when he complains about his latest job i am trying to show him another perspective. For example when he says that the supervisor bullies him i am saying that what he describes its within the "normal" , he isnt there to be friends. Or when they installed a system at to ensure that all employees do their job i said that its not that bad they are just trying to ensure that people do what they are paid for.
Apparently that means that "i can not support him", " i always support his enemies", " always taking the side of people who dont like him", "he wants a wife that he can talk to and he doesnt want to tell em things because i dont support him". When i remind him that i supported him every time and i just try to give him different perspective he just carries on, he isnt interested to listen the explanation
I am confused as i dont understand why he would think that. Also i am afraid that he really believes that they are all against him and jealous and thats why he is losing the jobs. We dont live together at the moment and i never supported him financially. But we are planning to get married and then his actions will affect our both lives. Any perspectives, opinions appreciated

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 22/06/2017 12:16

You're not bothering anyone. People respond because they want to help. Are you ok?

Please end the relationship. Do you have friends or family to support you? If he is threatening and abusing you over text you may want to consider reporting him to the police.

gamerchick · 22/06/2017 12:19

No keep posting OP, people want to help and give you a boost when you need it. He does sound very unwell, don't be worried abou asking the police to have a word if he makes a pest of himself.

Groovee · 22/06/2017 12:24

You need to end it with him today. What sort of a partner calls their other half a whore just because she didn't bow down to his neediness?

You deserve so much better x

regularbutpanickingabit · 22/06/2017 12:37

Lucky escape, really. Please be ready for the aggression to turn into a pathetic, loved-filled assault to get you back. Or for him to threaten to hurt himself and it would be your fault.
Seriously, get yourself out of this for good.

wotabastard · 22/06/2017 12:41

Yes be prepared for him to turn on the charm! It's bollocks, take no heed.

smitti · 22/06/2017 13:05

I remember your last thread OP, please don't fall for the pleading when it starts.

I genuinely fear for you, he's dangerous.

Haffiana · 22/06/2017 14:14

OP please don't underestimate his need to have you agree with him that everyone is against him and jealous etc of his talents. He WILL try to get you back 'on side' once you make any move to break with him. He will be charming, kind, promise to change, get help , cry - he will promise WHATEVER it takes to get you back. So keep this thread and his texts in a safe place where you can look at them when you need reminding.

Please stand firm. He cannot change. Do not get caught up in his overwhelming need to keep his world view intact and reinforced. It is a sickness. It is stronger than anything that you can do for him.

Elledouble · 22/06/2017 15:56

Glad you're feeling like you're ready to show this waste of space the door - good luck.

superfluffyanimal · 22/06/2017 16:29

Can you ask a friend to come over tonight? drink wine and eat Pizza? or go out? Talk about this to your friends, they will help you to see his behaviour as wrong.

I think that you need to sit down with him or call him and say that you can't continue this relationship, if you were married or had DC I would have suggested counselling or mediation but you are not and seeing how he has flipped in the last 24 hours is showing his true colours.

This whole business of becoming the enemy and vengeance isn't rational, all for what? because you want to have a stable life. He is deluded.

redshoeblueshoe · 22/06/2017 16:53

Have you actually told him that its over ?

Anniegetyourgun · 22/06/2017 17:36

You have a shitty personality and you never supported him, yet he would rather stick with you than share his fabulousness with a more deserving woman. How does that work, then?

NettleTea · 22/06/2017 18:26

Yes I agree, he is trying to scare you down under his thumb by threatening you and making you scared you will lose the wonderfullness that is him. The moment he twigs that you are not biting he will try to turn the tables and turn on the charm. THAT is when you will need us here because it is a cycling script that will start - anger, tears, promises, charm, blame, guilt - he will throw them all at you to pull you back in.

I am expecting him to come up with some bullshit about why all this wasnt his fault either, why it didnt mean what you thought it meant, how it was because x, y, z and he was just sooooooo stressed.

in fact he was just panicking because he was seeing his free ride being withdrawn when he thought he had found someone who would wave his flag forever and allow him to coast through life

You wised up

well done

you are far stronger than you think, and far stronger than you probably feel at the moment

NettleTea · 22/06/2017 18:27

and I would make a little call to 101 non emergency, just to log your concerns because of the threats not to cross the line, and the vengence. Better to take a few precautions that to have to play catch up in a hurry

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2017 18:57

Lucky escape.

When I read your posts I thought of Wendy Cope's poem He Tells Her

He tells her that the Earth is flat—
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

Original poster
soconfused40 · 22/06/2017 19:04

Thank you all so much, your messages help me stay strong . Its a bad day today, i feel drained, dissapointed, hurt. He released all the ugliness he has inside and it shocked me.I hadnt seen the depth of that before. Actually he said that i havent seen anything yet . I feel stupid for not listening to my instinct at the beginning of the relationship . I feel betrayed, the person claiming that he loves me (even today he was saying i love you but you need to change, you need to put me first because you dont. Sadly he was always first but he twists logic so he can support his claims) called me all the names under the sun and threatened me for hours. I dont feel sad for him, the ugliness i saw today its overwhelming but i am sad for the life i was supposed to have and all the years going wasted. I have no support close as i moved close to him recently. I have no idea what happened from yesterday and what made him like this but i am happy i saw this now. Among the things he said is that its all my fault, i ruined the day and he regrets nothing of what he said. I never put him first and i side with his enemies ( who talks like that....) and then i am happy to see him falling down.I did the worst thing and i am a crap partner . When i asked what is that terrible thing that i did the reply was that i love his supervisor who bully him and i support him (never even met the guy but i was trying to make my partner to see that the supervisor just does his job) and then he brought up a story about us playing a game and i let him die and i probably was laughing about it. It feels mental to even bring up a game into this. I am a whore, my character is shit and its fine to hang up the phone on me. He tried to give me instructions to stay on the phone and wait for him to return and dont leave because i would probably go and cheat and if i needed to go to the bathroom ( apart him i only had one more partner in my life for 15 years but somehow i am still a whore) i should not be more than 5 minutes. I replied that i had enough, that i deserve respect and that i can not build a home based on hate , his hate. Then he told me to f off , that he prefers to be alone and not hear my voice because it irritates him and he stopped messaging. All that time i tried to be in the situation as if it was happening to someone else so i can see better through his nonsense and not get much affected (he knows what to say/do to hurt me) and it helped, If it was happening to anyone else i d go and physically take them away from that monster. It is still hurtful though and when i feel weak i think of this and read the messages here. Thank you all again for the support

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 22/06/2017 19:10

I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

I was going to post to say my ex husband had 11 jobs during our 6 year marriage. There was always a bully/someone accusing him of something etc.

Turned out his problems ran a lot deeper. I stuck with it an ended in a women's refuge with my children. The ex hasn't done a single days work since I left him - 12 years ago!

They don't change, but you can.

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2017 19:11

Omg, what an absuive prick. Get away from him op. No one deserves to live like this or be treated like that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2017 19:24

Is there any reason why you would ever have to talk to him again?

RedastheRose · 22/06/2017 19:42

Well done for getting shot of him. He is an emotionally abusive and manipulative prick you are much better off without him. He will always be like this, everything will always be your fault never his, even his problems at work will be blamed on you eventually. If you were more supportive etc. Don't take him back and don't talk to him anymore.

PoorYorick · 22/06/2017 19:49

Christ on a pogo stick. This guy is a grade A nutjob.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2017 19:52

He is abusive.

smitti · 22/06/2017 20:01

You're safe when he's like this, the danger comes when he realises he's overplayed his hand and he tries to get you back.

Stay strong, this is the real him, this is why he cannot keep a job.

Never go back.

Ginmakesitallok · 22/06/2017 20:07

When he's being an arse to you I'd do one of 2 things. Either:

Hang up
Agree with him that you're just not right for each other and then hang up.

Don't feel you have to defend yourself against him, don't waste your energy.

I'd save all his messages and report any threats to police.

TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 22/06/2017 20:11

After reading the first post, I was going to say this has gone up a notch and it sounds frightening. Multiply that by a dozen. He sounds unhinged. If there's any more I'd ring the police.

TisGlorious · 22/06/2017 20:23

This is beyond your everyday nasty. He sounds like he's got Mental Health issues. Fantasy and reality all getting mixed up in his incoherent gibberish.

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